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Madison Scott-Clary
2019-10-25 07:50:15 -07:00
parent 88f5ea7933
commit 77c56f9289
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content/self-harm/suicide/013.md
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@ -15,7 +15,7 @@ I think a long ways.
> You think?
Well, every time I think I've come a long ways, I do something horribly stupid again. Every time I think I'm over all this, I tear at myself. Every time I think I'm getting good at talking about my mental health, I wind up in this pit where I have to destroy myself, to make it physically evident that I'm unwell in some invisible way. I always have. I tried to blind myself in 1996, remember? I tried to lose a finger, a leg. I cut. I burned.
Well, every time I think I've come a long ways, I do something horribly stupid again. Every time I think I'm over all this, I tear at myself. Every time I think I'm getting good at talking about my mental health, I wind up in this pit where I have to destroy myself, to make it physically evident that I'm unwell in some invisible way. I always have. I tried to blind myself when I was ten, remember? I tried to lose a finger, a leg. I cut. I burned.
> Is it about proving that you're unwell?
@ -29,7 +29,7 @@ I still think about it on the daily. I still obsess over it. Now I'm more likely
No, of course not, but look, I'm thirty-three. I'm too old for it to be tragic, too young for it to be a midlife crisis, too healthy for it to be understandable, too sick for it to be a surprise. It would just be sad and weird, not to mention mean to those in my life. I've got that perspective now. I'm thirty-three, I've made it this far, I've worked this hard, and I can at least understand that.
It's easier to just go to bed and wait it out, because yeah, it still blows, but at least now I know it'll pass, and five months down the line, I can do the same dance all over again.
It's easier to just go to bed and wait it out, or maybe just get out the soldering iron for a bit, because yeah, it still blows, but at least now I know it'll pass, and five months down the line, I can do the same dance all over again.
> That seems rather fatalistic.