67 lines
2.6 KiB
Markdown
67 lines
2.6 KiB
Markdown
---
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date: 2020-06-10
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weight: 5
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---
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JD and I have been seeing a couples therapist for a few weeks now.
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> Hard left, much?
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There's a reason.
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She's a pretty good therapist. A bit chatty, occasionally prone to anticipating what we're going to say, but that's alright. Still, I've been getting a surprising amount out of the sessions. Surprising in that it's more than I think I'd get out of sessions with just her, and far more than I'd get out of talking with just JD. She's too new to me, and JD and I are too familiar for either one on its own to lead to the amount of learning I'm getting done.
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> Greater than the sum of the parts?
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By a lot, yes. Perhaps it's the context shift inherent in couples therapy: it changes the way JD and I talk to and about each other. Perhaps it's the fact that such therapy is inherently guided: while my therapy sessions with Jessica --- a delightful therapist I like a lot --- can be a bit mixed because sometimes there's no core thread to chase down, we automatically have a topic to talk about, a project to work on here.
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> And so?
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And so, given that I'm one of those 40 million unemployed in the US, and given that I have, as of this week, used up all of my savings, and given that I was denied unemployment benefits due to having been an independent contractor, that's featured quite heavily in our sessions.
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And so this idea of worth as tied to productivity featured heavily in today's--
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> Yesterday's
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--right, I've been awake for too long. This idea of productivity as self-worth featured heavily. In particular, while the idea that I heavily associate my worth as a person with the things that I produce is not new, though it is particularly evident of late, the idea that I have a hard time asking for help specifically because that would mean that I am, in some way, failing *is*. This is the thing that I am learning. I'm learning that I am failing.
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> You are, in a way.
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I am.
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> You fail all the time.
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Yes.
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> You're failing to sleep right now.
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Yes.
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> ...
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???
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> You fell asleep and are writing this the next day.
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Yes.
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> You're always failing.
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Of course.
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> You forgive others their failures. Can you not forgive your own?
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Apparently not. Am I worthy of forgiveness?
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> Not my department.
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Right.
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> Let me throw that back at you. That **is** my department. Are you worthy of forgiveness?
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Of course I am. That's something I can answer immediately on an intellectual level. There is decidedly more hesitation when asked to answer that on an emotional level, though. And when it comes to that third-of-three parts, that part defined by negative space and shadow and blind spots--
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> My neighbor.
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--then no, I am not. Not by a long shot.
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