43 lines
2.0 KiB
TeX
43 lines
2.0 KiB
TeX
\label{ally:6}
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\begin{paracol}{2}
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\begin{leftcolumn}
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\noindent When I was young, back before I knew what mental health entailed, what anxiety and abuse and depression really meant, I was convinced I was having semi-regular mental breakdowns. That was the phrase I used then, because I was unsure of what it meant to have a panic attack.
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This was before LiveJournal, of course. This was before I was writing on the internet, or even really on the internet at all. This was before you.
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\begin{ally}
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No, it wasn't.
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\end{ally}
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Right.
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When I ran away, my dad found my paper journal. I had kept it infrequently, as something about daily journaling to a seventh-grader felt dishonest, stupid. What could I possibly write about?
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In the journal, I mentioned on a few occasions that I'd had a mental breakdown. My dad called me several times over the next few days after my mom found me, and in one of those calls, he yelled at me about that. ``Do you really think you're crazy?'' he said. ``Do you need to be taken to an asylum?''
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I told him no. I whispered it. I murmured it. I wasn't crazy. I didn't need to go to an asylum. I just felt like time stopped for me and the world around me sped up. I just felt like I was holding on by the barest amount of friction on my fingertips. The whorls of my fingerprints providing my only grasp on reality.
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\begin{ally}
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That was me saying hi.
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\end{ally}
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Blunt-force greeting?
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\begin{ally}
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I was quiet as a mouse.
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\end{ally}
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I have the words now. I have the vocabulary. I can say derealization, depersonalization, dissociation. I can say panic attack and anxiety and depression and hypomania. I can say \emph{ah, \textbf{this} is what is happening now}.
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\begin{ally}
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You have emotions now, is what you have. Those were your mental breakdowns.
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\end{ally}
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Dad didn't believe in those. Not for boys. \emph{Mood's a thing for cattle and loveplay}, right? Emotions are for women.
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\begin{ally}
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He was half-right.
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\end{ally}
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I suppose he was.
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\newpage
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\end{leftcolumn}
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\end{paracol}
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