More ally, book

book/book.tex

@@ -92,7 +92,6 @@
 
   \input{content/self-harm/self-harm.tex}
 
-
   \input{content/self-harm/suicide.tex}
 
   \input{content/gender/gender.tex}
@@ -130,9 +129,13 @@
   \input{content/ally/025.tex}
   \input{content/ally/028.tex}
   \input{content/ally/029.tex}
-  
+
   \input{content/burnout.tex}
 
+  \input{content/ally/030.tex}
+  \input{content/ally/031.tex}
+  \input{content/ally/032.tex}
+
   \null
   \newpage
   \null

book/content/afterword.tex

@@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
-
+\label{afterword}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
 \begin{leftcolumn}
   \noindent {\allyFont ally} began and still exists as a work of interactive fiction presented on the web. The project now exists in book form out of some neurotic sense of completeness. Perhaps, were I able to hold my life in my hands --- truly hold it, feel the pages sliding against one another --- I would be able to somehow digest it a little bit better. Perhaps, were I able to hold it in my hands, I would be able to understand it. Perhaps I would be able to move on.

book/content/ally/001.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:1}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/002.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:2}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/003.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:3}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/004.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:4}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/005.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:5}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/006.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:6}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/007.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:7}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/008.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:8}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
 \begin{rightcolumn*}
   \emph{July 2nd, 2004, shortly after midnight}
@@ -176,7 +177,7 @@ A sigil need not just be lines and curves.
 \begin{ally}
 Or maybe it's just mania.
 \end{ally}
-It may be.
+It may be.\footnote{https://ally.id/mania}
 \newpage
 \end{leftcolumn}
 \end{paracol}

book/content/ally/009.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:9}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 
@@ -27,7 +28,7 @@ Later.
 
 I took a sleep aid. I'm not getting into this now. I was all prepped to write about poly stuff, but you started banging on the door.
 
-Read what I've already written. % birds
+Read what I've already written.
 \newpage
 
 \input{content/birds.tex}

book/content/ally/010.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:10}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/011.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:11}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/012.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:12}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/013.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:13}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/015.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:15}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/016.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:16}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/017.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:17}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/018.tex

@@ -1,12 +1,13 @@
+\label{ally:18}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 
 \begin{ally}
 You are unsettled in your identity.\\
-Boy $\rightarrow$ enby $\rightarrow$ girl $\rightarrow$ trans woman.\\
-Biochemist $\rightarrow$ musician $\rightarrow$ programmer $\rightarrow$ writer.\\
-Gay $\rightarrow$ bi $\rightarrow$ ace $\rightarrow$ pan.\\
-Mono $\rightarrow$ poly.
+Boy $\rightarrow$ enby $\rightarrow$ girl $\rightarrow$ trans woman.\footnote{Page \pageref{gender:gender}}\\
+Biochemist $\rightarrow$ musician\footnote{Page \pageref{writing:music}} $\rightarrow$ programmer\footnote{Page \pageref{writing:software}} $\rightarrow$ writer.\footnote{Page \pageref{writing:writing}}\\
+Gay $\rightarrow$ bi $\rightarrow$ pan $\rightarrow$ ace.\footnote{Page \pageref{sex:sex}}\\
+Mono $\rightarrow$ poly.\footnote{Page \pageref{poly}}
 \end{ally}
 People change.
 

book/content/ally/019.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:19}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/020.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:20}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/021.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:21}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/022.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:22}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/023.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:23}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/024.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:24}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/025.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:25}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/026.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:26}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/027.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:27}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/028.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:28}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/029.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{ally:29}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/ally/030.tex

@@ -0,0 +1,38 @@
+\label{ally:30}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\noindent Does death take more than one form? Can it be anything other than it is? Can it sneak up on you while you aren't looking, and then when next you take a breath, you realize that you are in some afterlife?
+
+\begin{ally}
+I suppose it must, given this lead in.
+\end{ally}
+Have I died? Has some part of me already rotted and sloughed off? Is this, in some very literal way, an afterlife?
+
+\begin{ally}
+Do you feel as though, another seven years having passed, you are moving on from the life that you built up?
+\end{ally}
+Yes.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Then I see no reason not to label it as such.
+\end{ally}
+Perhaps lorxus was right. Perhaps I am writing this at the end of a life.
+
+\begin{ally}
+What are you leaving behind?
+\end{ally}
+I think I'm leaving behind that bit of me who was struggling to live earnestly.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Are you not, now?
+\end{ally}
+No, I think I am. Or, well, I think I am living fairly earnestly. I think what has happened over the last few years is that the struggle changed its shape.
+
+The Madison who was struggling to come to terms with a post-Matthew life is not me any longer. She spent the last seven years mourning him, in a way. She spent the last seven years figuring out how to live without him, throwing away his stuff, leaving behind family and homes and states.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Is this her memoir? Or yours?
+\end{ally}
+I don't know, honestly.
+  \end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}

book/content/ally/031.tex

@@ -0,0 +1,70 @@
+\label{ally:31}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\noindent I've been pulling this all into a book. Like, a physical one. A paperback.
+
+\begin{ally}
+I know.
+\end{ally}
+How do you feel about that?
+
+\begin{ally}
+Not my department.
+\end{ally}
+That feels like an evasion to me. You had opinions on me streaming the process of writing. You had opinions on the process itself: you called me out on writing stuff in commit messages, on having our conversations in comments in the source code. You had opinions on me buying the domain name. Do you have no opinions about our words on something to be bought and sold?
+
+\begin{ally}
+A friend once asked Maddy, ``Why do you shout into the void?''
+\end{ally}
+I write all of this down because the very act of putting it into words brings a sense of clarity that I lack without. By taking these moments of my life and articulating them, I almost automatically get another viewpoint on them.
+
+\begin{ally}
+And by articulating them as a conversation, you get two. That is not the friend's question.
+\end{ally}
+No, I suppose it isn't.
+
+I write for the clarity, but I share out of some perverse need. \emph{The chances that ally will pick up any sizeable audience are slim, so I almost feel like I'm publishing it as an extension of my compulsive need to overshare,} I wrote. I share because I have to.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Does Maddy shout into the void because she must shout into the void?
+\end{ally}
+Perhaps. Sometimes.
+
+Sometimes I have to speak so that someone will hear me out of some desire for feeling justified. I need to be heard, to be seen, so that even if I'm going through something alone, others will know that I am doing so. It's being witnessed.
+
+\begin{ally}
+There is power in the word, as you say, but there is also power in the act of speaking it. There is no value-judgment for me or anyone else to make in that. Words have power, speaking has power.
+\end{ally}
+There is value-judgment in the content, though.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Yes. There is value-judgment in intent, as well. That you are publishing these words is not something that I \textbf{can} have an opinion about.
+\end{ally}
+What about my intent?
+
+\begin{ally}
+Your compulsive need to do overshare is an implicit part of our relationship.
+\end{ally}
+Shall I throw your words in your face?
+
+\begin{ally}
+By all means.
+\end{ally}
+``Am I something to be bought and sold? Am I something to be traded and marketed?''\footnote{https://ally.id/aside/2}
+
+\begin{ally}
+Have you answered the question? \textbf{Am} I something to be bought and sold? Me, here, being a part of yourself.
+\end{ally}
+Since having that conversation, I've released two books, and yes, I suppose you are. I am. We are a brand to be built up and marketed, parceled up and sold to any comer.
+
+``The tragic core to all this,'' I wrote, ``is that I'm not an interesting person.'' I \emph{am} a writer, though. This will be my fourth book, something I never thought I'd say back in seventh grade, when I discovered I actually rather enjoyed writing those silly five paragraph essays. I never thought that I'd be the type of person to sit down and actually write things.
+
+Hell, I never thought I'd be the type of person to sit down and actually finish\ldots{}well, anything. It's the type of thing that continually feels out of reach for me, someone who is up to her neck in stalled projects and who justifies them with phrases like ``the process is the art''.
+
+That said, I can't stop. I can't not make more things. I can't not write. If I have to write, and if, implicit in that need to write is a need for my writing to be read, then yes, you are something to be bought and sold. I am. We are.
+
+\begin{ally}
+See? Not my department.
+\end{ally}
+  \end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}

book/content/ally/032.tex

@@ -0,0 +1,67 @@
+\label{ally:32}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\begin{ally}
+My turn.
+\end{ally}
+Shoot.
+
+\begin{ally}
+You said: ``you are not the project, but there is no project without you.''\footnote{Ibid.}
+\end{ally}
+Yes, that applies to us both.
+
+\begin{ally}
+You have spoken to your compulsive need to overshare, and you have spoken to the fact that the act of writing and selling a book is, in its own way, the act of selling yourself. \textbf{Restless Town} and \textbf{Eigengrau} are not so firmly tied to you, though, and \textbf{Rum and Coke} certainly is not. I don't think you could say the same about this. Speak to your ties to this project.
+\end{ally}
+Do you suspect that it is too personal to sell?
+
+\begin{ally}
+You asked my feelings on the matter.
+\end{ally}
+I'm of two minds on the matter.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Har har.
+\end{ally}
+Thank you. Seriously, though, I can see two different sides of this.
+
+I feel like I'm putting, as Jon Ronson puts it, my maddest edges on display. In the process of pulling the book together, I was forced to reread much of what I had written, and there are parts of it where my words burn too hot, or get too slippery to hold. There's a feverish quality to them. It's something that felt good to write.
+
+These maddest edges are something that are integral to the project. You, after all, are one of the, and this project is named after you.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Is it mad to have a six month long therapy session with an imaginary interlocutor?
+\end{ally}
+This is both more and less than that, and you know it.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Yes.
+\end{ally}
+It would be `mad' were I to believe that you were an actual interlocutor. It would be `mad' were I to present these things as a universal worldview. It would be `mad', awful as that word is, were I anything but deliberate with this project.
+
+As it is, I summoned you. I started pulling down bits of nostalgia when my I was shutting down my Dreamhost account. I got the idea to write, so I did. It was a deliberate effort.
+
+\begin{ally}
+Is that mad?
+\end{ally}
+\ldots{}huh.
+
+\begin{ally}
+A question for another time. Tell me of your two minds.
+\end{ally}
+Right.
+
+On the one hand, I read back through all of this and I find myself tasting blood. Who is this Madison? Is she okay? She seems to be having a rough time of things at times, and at others she doesn't seem wholly sane, or at least not wholly healthy. That's a rough thing for someone to put on display. What would lead someone to do that? Some strange form of self-flagellation?
+
+And on the other, while I'm most certainly not wholly healthy, I am, at my core, a storyteller. A young one, and certainly one of uneven quality, but I'm learning and improving by doing. There are stories to be told here, with my life, and that's what I'm doing. I'm making them interesting. I'm embellishing some of them. Hell, I'm making some stuff up wholesale. And I'm doing all of this for the specific purpose of it being read.
+
+In the end, it's the storyteller that wins out over the concerned, private individual. If I can't \emph{not} overshare, if I must compulsively tell stories, then I'm going to tell the stories I have and I'm going to make them worth reading.
+
+\begin{ally}
+A friend once asked Maddy, ``Why do you shout carefully constructed, thoroughly edited, well rehearsed speeches into the void?''
+\end{ally}
+Maddy replied, ``It pays the bills.''
+
+  \end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}

book/content/birds.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{birds}
 \end{leftcolumn}
 \begin{rightcolumn*}
   \begin{flushright}
@@ -77,5 +78,5 @@ It's dumb. Geese are dumb. There's no reason I should feel any sort of emotion a
 --- @drab\_makyo February 12, 2014
 \end{quotation}
 
-Ritual is like that. There is some level of meaning that's inexpressible except if you can find a way to come at it from the side. Use words like `portent'. Describe it as an odor, a sense, a mystery. Ritual and sensation are wily and wary critters that want nothing less than to be identified, pointed out, made plain. You're supposed to just go along with the ritual and accept the portentous as fact.
+Ritual is like that. There is some level of meaning that's inexpressible except if you can find a way to come at it from the side. Use words like `portent'. Describe it as an odor, a sense, a mystery. Ritual and sensation are wily and wary critters that want nothing less than to be identified, pointed out, made plain. You're supposed to just go along with the ritual and accept the portentous as fact.\footnote{More at https://ally.id/birds}
 \newpage

book/content/burnout.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{burnout}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 \noindent How did I get here?
@@ -61,7 +62,7 @@ That's one of those surprisingly difficult questions. I can't point to a day or
 \begin{ally}
 When did you notice it, then?
 \end{ally}
-Does when I tried to kill myself" count?
+Does ``when I tried to kill myself''\footnote{Page \pageref{selfharm:suicide}} count?
 
 \begin{ally}
 Not my department.
@@ -100,7 +101,7 @@ For a while.
 
 \newpage
 
-\noindent I could very easily get into talking about the ins and outs of working at Canonical and in software, but I don't think that's the point.
+\noindent I could very easily get into talking about the ins and outs of working at Canonical and in software\footnote{Page \pageref{writing:software}}, but I don't think that's the point.
 
 \begin{ally}
 No, it's not.

book/content/dad.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{dad}
 \backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{cccccc}
 \backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{cccccc}
 \backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{cccccc}

book/content/from-within.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{from-within}
 \renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCDDCCFF]
 
 \backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{333a18}

book/content/furry/furry.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{furry:furry}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 
@@ -30,7 +31,7 @@ A friend asks Maddy: what is irony?
 \begin{ally}
 Ah yes, the invisible six-foot-one trans woman with purple hair. That tired old trope.
 \end{ally}
-While I've had fursoñas that were intended to be something better than myself --- Makyo, for a while, was dressed in a nice suit --- more often than not, they've played along similar lines.
+While I've had fursoñas\footnote{https://ally.id/furry/fursona} that were intended to be something better than myself --- Makyo, for a while, was dressed in a nice suit --- more often than not, they've played along similar lines.
 
 Ranna was a gay fox, a bit pudgy, with two tails he readily admitted were an early affectation to differentiate himself from countless other foxes.
 

book/content/furry/margaras.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{furry:margaras}
 \noindent Matthew didn't end when I changed my name. Matthew ended September 14th, 2012.
 
 \begin{ally}
@@ -37,7 +38,7 @@ MegaWolf blinks.
 
 Paladin barks, "It does look like him, without the glasses."
 
-Koray murmurs, "Sorry... I didn't mean to bring ya down"
+Koray murmurs, "Sorry\ldots{} I didn't mean to bring ya down"
 
 Koray murmurs, "I just thought you should all know"
 
@@ -69,13 +70,13 @@ Vetiver sighs. That's unbelievable.
 
 Vetiver quorks, "Dammit."
 
-Himmel says, "That... fucking sucks. .\_."
+Himmel says, "That\ldots{} fucking sucks. .\_."
 
 Cain frowns so fucking hard
 
-Kuttas says, "I'd noticed he hadn't been around in a while..."
+Kuttas says, "I'd noticed he hadn't been around in a while\ldots{}"
 
-Srass says, "Well, he was a little more scarce of late, but..."
+Srass says, "Well, he was a little more scarce of late, but\ldots{}"
 
 Zhorah rumbles, "Wait, what happened?]"
 
@@ -127,9 +128,9 @@ MegaWolf yips
 
 Duelist rubs the back of his head.
 
-Dralen acks, "That's awful. Wut..."
+Dralen acks, "That's awful. Wut\ldots{}"
 
-Cain doesn't know what to think. Margs was awesome. missing doesn't even begin to describe...
+Cain doesn't know what to think. Margs was awesome. missing doesn't even begin to describe\ldots{}
 
 Vetiver is just kind of in shock.
 
@@ -139,11 +140,11 @@ Dachande. not really sure what to say about it, really lost someone good.
 
 Vetiver hugs Dachande. :(
 
-MegaWolf growls softly, "This is actually the first time someone close to me online has died, so I'm just... I don't know."
+MegaWolf growls softly, "This is actually the first time someone close to me online has died, so I'm just\ldots{} I don't know."
 
 Dachande. hugs and holds.
 
-Paladin barks, "We've had other furry deaths. Cyno, Furp ..."
+Paladin barks, "We've had other furry deaths. Cyno, Furp \ldots{}"
 
 MegaWolf growls softly, "I do wonder how many of the ones who quietly faded away are dead."
 
@@ -167,7 +168,7 @@ MegaWolf nips Himmel.
 
 Srass says, "I've lost one other friend my own age, someone I knew in person, but somehow this hit harder."
 
-Cain woofs, "it just feels unreal..."
+Cain woofs, "it just feels unreal\ldots{}"
 
 Srass says, "Yeah, it does."
 
@@ -187,7 +188,7 @@ Vetiver quorks, "Oh, good."
 
 Cain woofs, "I'm trying to reach Equis right now"
 
-Kuttas hehs. Left voicemail... c.c
+Kuttas hehs. Left voicemail\ldots{} c.c
 
 Zhorah dun know anyone from here's number
 
@@ -195,9 +196,9 @@ Himmel says, "I texted him."
 
 Himmel says, "And tweeted."
 
-Kuttas says, "Well, hell. He's gonna have a lot of messages from us, apparently..."
+Kuttas says, "Well, hell. He's gonna have a lot of messages from us, apparently\ldots{}"
 
-JanusFox yips, "Wait... wtf..."
+JanusFox yips, "Wait\ldots{} wtf\ldots{}"
 
 Kuttas pets Djirin, smiling a little.
 
@@ -207,7 +208,7 @@ JanusFox yips, "fuck."
 
 Vetiver quorks, "Always thought he was a really nice guy. He seemed to be a little directionless for a few years, when he was pretty scarce around here, but joining the army seemed to change things for him."
 
-Srass says, "He always seemed so fascinatingly enigmatic to me..."
+Srass says, "He always seemed so fascinatingly enigmatic to me\ldots{}"
 
 Kuttas nods.
 
@@ -219,7 +220,7 @@ Srass says, "He didn't either when he first picked it out -- I forget where he s
 
 Kuttas says, "He's one of the only people here I was immediately comfortable with."
 
-MegaWolf chuckles softly. "And apparently he never updated his pinfo, since about 1999..."
+MegaWolf chuckles softly. "And apparently he never updated his pinfo, since about 1999\ldots{}"
 
 MegaWolf growls softly, "I'd forgotten he wasn't always lynxy"
 
@@ -227,7 +228,7 @@ Srass says, "His prism cat form was pretty. :)"
 
 Himmel says, "Srass: Rudyard Kipling."
 
-Duelist growls quietly, "Oh I got something for that. Known Margs for years....right? Whitest guy in the world, I mean, ya know, look at the pic, right? Kept me in funk-drumming rhythms forever. I mean, funk drumming. Not kidding. He gave me, like 4 funk-drumming music books."
+Duelist growls quietly, "Oh I got something for that. Known Margs for years\ldots{}.right? Whitest guy in the world, I mean, ya know, look at the pic, right? Kept me in funk-drumming rhythms forever. I mean, funk drumming. Not kidding. He gave me, like 4 funk-drumming music books."
 
 MegaWolf growls softly, "Yus. Now I remember it."
 
@@ -255,7 +256,7 @@ Acy arrives from the foyer.
 
 Acy barkbark.
 
-Himmel is just... sad.
+Himmel is just\ldots{} sad.
 
 Acy nose MegaRuff; SpookyFox.
 
@@ -303,7 +304,7 @@ Acy says, "Oh."
 
 JanusFox yips, "Whatever that means."
 
-Srass says, "It could be anything.  Sudden loss of consciousness, problem with his vehicle, swerving to avoid hitting something..."
+Srass says, "It could be anything.  Sudden loss of consciousness, problem with his vehicle, swerving to avoid hitting something\ldots{}"
 
 Kuttas says, "http://tinyurl.com/8tgj9y7"
 
@@ -317,7 +318,7 @@ Dachande. says, "That's local news for ya."
 
 Dralen says deeply, "At 5am, eh? Probably fell asleep at the wheel."
 
-Duelist growls quietly, "There is other news....it's just....strange."
+Duelist growls quietly, "There is other news\ldots{}.it's just\ldots{}.strange."
 
 JanusFox yips, "I will really, really miss that lynx."
 
@@ -325,7 +326,7 @@ Acy says, "Other strange news?"
 
 Duelist - http://www.kirotv.com/news/news/soldier-killed-fiery-unexplained-crash-jblm-guard-/nR4ys/
 
-Duelist growls quietly, "It's...the first article before names were known and such"
+Duelist growls quietly, "It's\ldots{}the first article before names were known and such"
 
 Duelist growls quietly, "It's just bizarre."
 
@@ -339,7 +340,7 @@ Malkoten blinkblinks?  Margs?
 
 Srass says, "Yeah."
 
-Vetiver really hopes that wasn't a...deliberate crash. :(
+Vetiver really hopes that wasn't a\ldots{}deliberate crash. :(
 
 Srass says, "Me too. o.o"
 
@@ -363,7 +364,7 @@ Duelist growls quietly, "I think he lived on base"
 
 JanusFox yips, "Ah."
 
-JanusFox yips, "He had access to firearms anyway... why chance it."
+JanusFox yips, "He had access to firearms anyway\ldots{} why chance it."
 
 JanusFox yips, "Had to be an accident."
 
@@ -385,7 +386,7 @@ Dachande. nods, "They are designed to be in the way. Bleh."
 
 Floid says, "I just figure he would've enjoyed me keeping it weird."
 
-Cain woofs, "yeah, well, I guess you're right... :/"
+Cain woofs, "yeah, well, I guess you're right\ldots{} :/"
 
 JanusFox sigh, "Fuck."
 
@@ -447,7 +448,7 @@ Vetiver quorks, "Margaras died last week."
 
 Duelist growls quietly, "I think its time for a drink."
 
-Kia says, "..."
+Kia says, "\ldots{}"
 
 Kyhwana guessed as much, what happened? :(
 
@@ -493,7 +494,7 @@ Duelist growls quietly, "Yeah, but this is sucky and tragic and un-called for."
 
 Srass nods.
 
-Duelist growls quietly, "That's kinda the problem with a crowd like this tho, ya know a 'relatively new' population...."
+Duelist growls quietly, "That's kinda the problem with a crowd like this tho, ya know a 'relatively new' population\ldots{}."
 
 Duelist growls quietly, "I mean, it's gonna be 50-60 years before we say 'awww yeah, but he was 96 years old, it was his time' kinda thing."
 
@@ -529,7 +530,7 @@ Duelist growls quietly, "Well, a lot of us are probably rather numb at the momen
 
 Kuttas will probably be grepping logs before long. Remembering what good times got recorded.
 
-Duelist growls quietly, "Hence the whole 'I dunno what to do, say, feel' thing...."
+Duelist growls quietly, "Hence the whole 'I dunno what to do, say, feel' thing\ldots{}."
 
 Kyhwana does, he's sad!
 
@@ -561,9 +562,9 @@ Personal bit, please feel free to skip ---
 
 He's one of those people that helped raise me in a way.  Not intentionally, of course, but in the way of an older friend, sort of like how I imagine an older brother helps to raise younger siblings.  Just sort of accidentally leading the way without really knowing any better.  I never had older siblings, and circumstances of my childhood and adolecense led me to seek out those who could play that role.
 
-I don't really know what that means about me, to be honest, that I sought out such a connection in such a place.  I think I've always craved someone in that role, of course, and having leadership more ready to admit fallabilty than my parents felt...refreshing, comforting, something.  Not that everyone's ready to admit fallability, but the ability to even talk about changes in life, even if they're for the negative, really adds a lot more human-ness, a lot more personality to someone in a guiding role than either of my parents offered when I was growing up.
+I don't really know what that means about me, to be honest, that I sought out such a connection in such a place.  I think I've always craved someone in that role, of course, and having leadership more ready to admit fallabilty than my parents felt\ldots{}refreshing, comforting, something.  Not that everyone's ready to admit fallability, but the ability to even talk about changes in life, even if they're for the negative, really adds a lot more human-ness, a lot more personality to someone in a guiding role than either of my parents offered when I was growing up.
 
-Anyway, I'm so glad for the time I had with him.  I'm sad now, sure, but I'll always remember him happily.  Remember singing "K A L A M A Z O Oh what a gaaaal...in Kalamazoooo" at him in high school when my choir sang that song, remember talking about music and all the day to day things in life.  There are a lot of people who fit into this role for me, and I'll be sad to see every one of them leave, no matter how they do so, but for tonight, cheers, Margaras.
+Anyway, I'm so glad for the time I had with him.  I'm sad now, sure, but I'll always remember him happily.  Remember singing "K A L A M A Z O Oh what a gaaaal\ldots{}in Kalamazoooo" at him in high school when my choir sang that song, remember talking about music and all the day to day things in life.  There are a lot of people who fit into this role for me, and I'll be sad to see every one of them leave, no matter how they do so, but for tonight, cheers, Margaras.
 
 All my love.
 
@@ -677,7 +678,7 @@ Kuttas says, "In the end, though, it turns out there's a second bottle opener on
 
 Srass says, "That's one stubborn beer."
 
-Srass says, "A second bottle opener...?"
+Srass says, "A second bottle opener\ldots{}?"
 
 Kuttas says, "Yeah."
 
@@ -781,7 +782,7 @@ Kuttas ahs.
 
 Kuttas says, "Firefox is being retarded, trying to load it via HTTPS. This is pissing me off."
 
-Kuttas says, "Yeah, that's a nice photo..."
+Kuttas says, "Yeah, that's a nice photo\ldots{}"
 
 Srass says, "Well.  What an unbelievably shitty way to start a weekend."
 

book/content/furry/younes.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{furry:younes}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/gender/gender.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{gender:gender}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
 \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/gender/surgery.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{gender:surgery}
 \null
 \vfill
 \begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
@@ -151,7 +152,7 @@
   \vinphantom{then the anaesthesiologist.} I felt myself then a virgin.\\
   I was at this point being prepared for some strange sacrifice,\\
   a process of pain and cutting, of rebirth. A cut, a slice,\\
-  and I would become something more...what? Mature? More complete?\\
+  and I would become something more\ldots{}what? Mature? More complete?\\
   Where I'd never put stock in virginity before --- so obsolete ---\\
   it fits well, now.
 

book/content/induction.tex

@@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
-% TODO just fuck me up tbh
+\label{induction}
 \noindent {\Large\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX] Let's think about a meditation session with you lying down and me sitting next to you and just how it feels to hear your feelings and how it works to let go of what you know as we think about a meditation session with you lying down and me sitting next to you.}
 {\large\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=DDDDDDFF,Ligatures=TeX] Let's dream about the words we use for the numbers we count to relax the mind which focuses so readily on those numbers, counting slowly down from ten, your mind immediately reaching for}
 {\normalsize\fontspec{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=BBBBBBFF,Ligatures=TeX] nine, which is a fine number but always looked hungry to me and so follows eight which knows just what it ate to feel full, and down onto seven lucky seven which is what you need to get what you need but take away one and you get three plus three or three times two which is six and after that five, five fingers on each hand and toes on each foot, five the sum of the Trinity and the duality,}

book/content/jay.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{jay}
 \fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=222288FF,Ligatures=TeX]
 \renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=4444AAFF,Ligatures=TeX]
 \noindent Mom and Jay got married when I was in elementary school. Fourth grade, maybe? It's a bit hazy.
@@ -72,7 +73,7 @@ You'd be away from him. That's a reward.
 \end{ally}
 I hadn't thought of it that way.
 
-The bench, though, was perfect. It faced a dining table, and across from that, the computer which was kept powered off. No reading. No talking. No moving from the bench. If more than one of us were in trouble at the same time, no looking at each other; we sat on opposite ends.
+The bench, though, was perfect. It faced a dining table,\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am moving through the house, and suddenly a flood of brightly colored scorpions starts to pile in through the doors and windows. They're bright and plastic like Creepy Crawlers, but I know they'll be deadly. I have to hide under the dining room table. There is a flash, and then I'm riding on the table like a raft, but I have to be careful, as it is as if it's on a fulcrum and if I row or punt too hard, it will flip over, burying me in scorpions.}} and across from that, the computer which was kept powered off. No reading. No talking. No moving from the bench. If more than one of us were in trouble at the same time, no looking at each other; we sat on opposite ends.
 
 When he started taking up martial arts, he brought Zach and I with him. He thought\ldots{}well, I don't know what he thought. That it would make us men? That it would teach us to defend ourselves?
 

book/content/koan.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{koan}
 \noindent A friend asked Maddy: what is the importance of tension?
 
 Maddy said: I don't know

book/content/liminal.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{liminal}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
   \begin{leftcolumn}
 

book/content/movement.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{movement}
 \renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=220000FF]
 
 \backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{e6e6fa}

book/content/poet-and-mystic.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{poet-and-mystic}
 \renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=CCCCDDFF]
 
 \backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{2f082a}
@@ -5,6 +6,8 @@
 \backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{2f082a}
 \backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{2f082a}
 
+\includepdf{assets/static/master.pdf}
+
 \begin{paracol}{2}
 \begin{rightcolumn*}
   \input{content/induction.tex}
@@ -17,32 +20,32 @@
 \begin{ally}
 Pretty.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent I didn't write it.
+I didn't write it.
 
 \begin{ally}
 I know.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent I scramble through great heaps of words and sounds to try and at least pin some of them to fleeting symbols. Maybe then I'll be able to learn to see more of the accidental and individual symbols.
+I scramble through great heaps of words and sounds to try and at least pin some of them to fleeting symbols. Maybe then I'll be able to learn to see more of the accidental and individual symbols.
 
 \begin{ally}
 Too many words, too many sounds.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Yes.
+Yes.
 
 \begin{ally}
 You wrote four pieces about the winds coming down over the foothills near Boulder (for, of all things, wind quartet), just to try and capture one ecstatic experience.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent I like those. I like the result.
+I like those. I like the result.
 
 \begin{ally}
 You like the first two, most of all. They remind you of how hollow you felt, how you could feel the wind blow through you, vibrating your soul like the pipe of an organ, exciting you to ever higher harmonics.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Yes.
+Yes.
 
 \begin{ally}
 But then you kept writing.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Yeah. I make a terrible poet.
+Yeah. I make a terrible poet.
 
 \begin{ally}
 You make a terrible mystic. Your poetry's just okay.
@@ -89,37 +92,37 @@ You make a terrible mystic. Your poetry's just okay.
 \begin{ally}
 Not reaching. Not trying.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent How can I read the ecstasy of signs? How can I feel those black birds bursting free of my hunched shoulders?
+How can I read the ecstasy of signs? How can I feel those black birds bursting free of my hunched shoulders?
 
 \begin{ally}
 Step beside yourself. Take your own hand.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent How can I feel the cord that ties me to the center of the earth? How can I see where it leads? How can I walk the spiral?
+How can I feel the cord that ties me to the center of the earth? How can I see where it leads? How can I walk the spiral?
 
 \begin{ally}
 Reach down, bury your fingers in rich earth, take root.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent The cant of ritual.
+The cant of ritual.
 
 \begin{ally}
 The scent of incense.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent The rhythm of chant.
+The rhythm of chant.
 
 \begin{ally}
 The ripple of water.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Call and response.
+Call and response.
 
 \begin{ally}
 The flicker of a candle.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Voices echoing voices echoing voices echoing\ldots{}
+Voices echoing voices echoing voices echoing\ldots{}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Clay between fingertips.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent And then?
+And then?
 \newpage
 \end{leftcolumn}
 \begin{rightcolumn*}
@@ -168,12 +171,12 @@ Afterwards, I figured out how to regain control (mostly) and just in time for th
 \begin{ally}
 Or.. you could come up with something on your own. You know, do something productive with Nanon.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent There's a thought. I still need to do those spells for Androo.
+There's a thought. I still need to do those spells for Androo.
 
 \begin{ally}
 Exactly. Productive
 \end{ally}
-\noindent I've noticed that, while my emotional colors are fading, you're becoming more prominent.
+I've noticed that, while my emotional colors are fading, you're becoming more prominent.
 
 Who are you?
 
@@ -192,12 +195,12 @@ I'm you. Are they the same?
 \begin{ally}
 I'm the fifth line of five.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent You're an elusive bugger, that's what you are.
+You're an elusive bugger, that's what you are.
 
 \begin{ally}
 Damn straight.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent You're depressing, too.
+You're depressing, too.
 
 \vspace{2\onelineskip}
 
@@ -223,7 +226,7 @@ Upon reading certain things, upon hearing certain songs, upon seeing certain peo
 \begin{ally}
 How poetic.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent These are the white things. Cold, bright, burning, white.
+These are the white things. Cold, bright, burning, white.
 
 Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani.
 
@@ -232,26 +235,42 @@ But the light isn't as it used to be. It was a thing to light up a day, a thing
 \begin{ally}
 Love follows not the law of Ohm.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani.
+Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani.
 
 Light can be many things, but here, now, it means love - all four loves - and it's a strange feeling to have been so full of it for so long, then to suddenly be nearly without.
 
 \begin{ally}
 Full of what? Full of shit? How pathetic, how trite.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Having deified love for several years, it's a shock to my faith to have it disappear, even if it only turns out to be temporary.
+Having deified love for several years, it's a shock to my faith to have it disappear, even if it only turns out to be temporary.
 
 \begin{ally}
 Faith? You're faithful? How have you EVER been faithful to love?
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani!
+Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani!
 \end{quotation}
 \newpage
+% XXX The following color changes are all to get around the problem of footnote colors not matching. I hate it.
+\end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}
+
+%%%%%
+
+\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
+
+\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{ddffcc}
+\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{ddffcc}
+\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{ddffcc}
+\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{ddffcc}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
 
 \begin{ally}
 What is your point?
 \end{ally}
-\noindent You know.
+You know.
 
 \begin{ally}
 Yes, but it is important that you make it.
@@ -266,39 +285,315 @@ It's about breathing in for the count of four, holding for the count of two, bre
 So that you can disappear entirely.
 \end{ally}
 \newpage
-\begin{ally}
-Why this? Why now?
-\end{ally} % Why after your dad?
+\end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}
 
-\noindent Why talk about ecstasy?
+%%%%%
+
+\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
+
+\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{ddeecc}
+\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{ddeecc}
+\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{ddeecc}
+\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{ddeecc}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+
+\begin{ally}
+Why this? Why now? Why after your dad?
+\end{ally}
+Why talk about ecstasy?
 
 \begin{ally}
 Yes.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Dissociation.
+Dissociation.
 
 \begin{ally}
 Well, that was quick. I was expecting more roundabout. We would banter. You would get flustered. I would get smug.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Derealization, depersonalization, dissociation. Pure and simple.
+Derealization, depersonalization, dissociation. Pure and simple.
 
 \begin{ally}
 Well huh.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Would I lie to you?
+Would I lie to you?
 
 \begin{ally}
 Oh, totally.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent Fair.
+Fair.
 \newpage
+\end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}
+
+%%%%%
+
+\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
+
+\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{ccddbb}
+\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{ccddbb}
+\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{ccddbb}
+\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{ccddbb}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+
+\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
+Used to be you and I daily would walk\\
+through the fields out back of the house and talk\footnote{Riverbend Ponds Natural Area, Fort Collins, CO.}\\
+for hours, spilling words and emotions.\\
+These walks were our daily devotions\\
+to each other over the years.
+
+The fields, dotted with ponds, were our space.\\
+We tramped those trails strung like lace\\
+along shores and through tall grass,\\
+murmuring now like winds, chattering now like brass\\
+in some changeful duet.
+
+You'd tell me about the geese in the sky,\\
+would watch me stand still and not ask why\\
+the birds scared me to pieces,\footnote{https://makyo.ink/bruise-vision/}\\
+even as we dodged around their feces\footnote{https://makyo.ink/the-dogs-assure-me/}\\
+littering the trails.
+
+You'd put up with my fickle interests,\\
+running with me, or stopping to see what arrests\\
+my attention.\footnote{Shpongle --- A new way to say hooray!} You'd follow all of my changes\\
+and change along with me through all the ranges\\
+of our shared experience.
+\end{verse}
+\newpage
+\end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}
+
+\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
+
+\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{ccddaa}
+\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{ccddaa}
+\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{ccddaa}
+\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{ccddaa}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+
+\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
+You'd tell me of your meditation,\\
+I'd talk of my fears of stagnation.\\
+You'd always smile so kindly to me,\\
+and I'd always feel so free\\
+in our companionship.
+
+And over time, those walks got slower,\\
+shorter, less frequent, or over\\
+far too soon, though no less meaningful\\
+as we spent our time together in cheerful\\
+conversation or kind quiet.
+
+We each seemed to be going our separate ways,\\
+with me branching out, exploring different lays\\
+of different lands, and you turning inwards,\\
+exploring lines of thought you never put in words,\\
+at least not that you told me.
+
+And then one day, we once more went out walking\\
+and though it took a while, you got to talking.\\
+You told me of how  you sat, quiet and alone,\\
+waiting for the time you might turn to stone\footnote{Quasimodo's line "Why was I not made of stone like thee?"; or, perhaps, part of a Chinese saying, "I will close my eyes and my heart and become a stone".}\\
+and be completely still at last.
+\end{verse}
+\newpage
+\end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}
+
+\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
+
+\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{bbcc99}
+\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbcc99}
+\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{bbcc99}
+\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbcc99}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+
+\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
+You told me how as you sat, the room lengthened,\\
+curved around, turned on you --- strengthened,\\
+it seemed, by your very presence ---\\
+and amid all of that gathered pleasance,\\
+bit you in half.\footnote{Towards the tail end of high school, I experimented with \emph{Salvia divnorum}, and an enduring memory is the room lengthing, twisting around, and biting me in half.}
+
+You told me how, as part of you died\\
+in that moment, the rest of you spied,\\
+it seemed, on this very ending.\\
+You told me you thought that this rending\\
+was the end of something big.
+
+I listened in silence. What could I say?\\
+The things you were telling me, walking that day\\
+were strangely shaped and didn't make sense.\\
+Or if they did, they did so around corners as pretense,\\
+perhaps, subtext, allusion, metaphor.
+
+You were right, though, I could hear it in your voice.\\
+There was finality, there, which spoke of a choice\\
+already made. Endings were writ on your face,\footnote{John Keats' epitaph, \emph{Here lies one whose name was writ in water}. Those who know that they are dying can show the knowledge in their face.}\\
+your hands, and your steps --- your very pace\\
+spoke of completion.
+\end{verse}
+\newpage
+\end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}
+
+\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
+
+\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{bbbb99}
+\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbbb99}
+\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{bbbb99}
+\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbbb99}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+
+\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
+I replied to that sense rather than your words.\\
+``While you look up to the geese and see only birds,\\
+I see omens and my doom spelled in vees.\\
+You speak of rooms and cleaving, but please,\\
+tell me, are you leaving?''
+
+We'd long since stopped, there by the pond,\\
+and your smile was, yes, sad, but still fond\\
+as you settled down wordlessly to your knees,\\
+took a slow breath, looked out to the trees,\\
+and closed your eyes.
+
+Beginnings are such delicate times\footnote{Frank Herbert's \emph{Dune}.}\\
+and I very nearly missed it, no chimes\\
+to announce the hour of your leaving.\\
+As it was, there was no time for believing\\
+or not in the next moments.
+
+Your fingers crawled beneath the soil\\
+and sprouted roots, flesh starting to roil.\\
+Coarse bark spiraled up your wrists and arms,\\
+Spelling subtle incantations and charms\\
+to the chaos of growth.
+
+You bowed your head and from your crown\\
+sprouted a tender shoot covered in fine down,\\
+soon followed by crenelated leaves and fine stems.\\
+The pace was fast, implacable, and leaves like gems\\
+soon arched skyward.
+\end{verse}
+\newpage
+\end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}
+
+\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
+
+\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{bbb599}
+\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbb599}
+\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{bbb599}
+\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{bbb599}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+
+\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
+You sprouted and grew, taking root\\
+in one smooth motion, fixed and mute.\\
+Your clothing fell away, rotting in fast-time.\footnote{Keats: \emph{Thou foster-child of silence and slow Time}}\\
+Naked now, you sat still, committing one last crime\\
+of indecency.
+
+Your face, your face! In your face was such peace\\
+as I'd never seen, even as you gave up this lease\\
+on life, echoed also in my heart of hearts.\\
+I did not cry out, nor even speak, witnessing such arts\\
+as your final display showed.
+
+Soon, you were consumed, transformed as a whole.\\
+Your head a crown of leaves, your heart a bole\\
+bored in rough bark and sturdy wood,\\
+your fingers, knees, and toes stood\\
+as thirsty roots.
+
+I stood a while by the tree that was you,\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am walking along a trail in the Riverbend Ponds and start to feel dizzy, so I fall to my knees and clutch at the soil. To my surprise --- and yet not, as though it were inevitable --- my fingers and knees take root and grow into the soil. A sense of peace washes over me and I bow my head. From the back of my neck sprouts a branch and in fast-time, my body falls away and where I sat is now a tree.}}\\
+then sat at your roots and thought of all I knew\\
+about time, transformation, death and change.\\
+I thought about you, your life, your emotional range,\\
+your gentle apotheosis.
+\end{verse}
+\newpage
+\end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}
+
+\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
+
+\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{aaaa99}
+\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{aaaa99}
+\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{aaaa99}
+\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{aaaa99}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+
+\begin{verse}[1.01\textwidth]
+Then I walked home, quiet and numb.\\
+No, not numb, per se, but perhaps dumb.\\
+Dumb of words, dumb of emotions. Quiet.\\
+I expected turmoil, some internal riot,\\
+I got nullity.
+
+Who, after all, if I cried out,\footnote{Rilke's Duino Elegies: \emph{Who, if I cried out, would hear me among the ranks of angels?}}\\
+would hear my wordless shout\\
+among the still trees and rustling leaves?\\
+Who hears? Who cares? Who perceives\\
+this non-grief?
+
+You, my friend, are still there.\\
+I walk the fields every day, passing where\\
+you changed into something new.\\
+I marvel at you, at how you grew\\
+into something wholly different.
+
+Used to be you and I daily would walk\\
+through the fields out back of the house and talk.\\
+Now, it's just me, alone, quiet, thinking\\
+of you by the shore, forever drinking\\
+of sweet water.
+\end{verse}
+\newpage
+\end{leftcolumn}
+\end{paracol}
+
+%%%%%
+
+\renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF]
+
+\backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{b5b5b5}
+\backgroundcolor{C[0](10000pt,10000pt)(0.6\columnsep,10000pt)}[HTML]{b5b5b5}
+\backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{b5b5b5}
+\backgroundcolor{C[1](0.6\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{b5b5b5}
+\begin{paracol}{2}
+  \begin{leftcolumn}
+\fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
+\renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=000000FF,Ligatures=TeX]
 
 \begin{ally}
 You're not very focused.
 \end{ally}
-\vfill
-
-\noindent I know.
+I know.
 
 \vfill
 
@@ -307,6 +602,7 @@ You're not very focused.
 \vfill
 
 \noindent that I'm
+\vfill
 \newpage
 \end{leftcolumn}
 \end{paracol}
@@ -541,12 +837,12 @@ Ask.
 \begin{ally}
 Swing the flashlight rapidly across the room. Piece together what you can from the sweep of the beam across the walls, the furniture.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent How does one hunt down what leaves no tracks?
+How does one hunt down what leaves no tracks?
 
 \begin{ally}
 Unwind the maze by keeping your right hand on the wall. Pray that the walls do not move.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent How does one call down the gods to commune?
+How does one call down the gods to commune?
 
 \begin{ally}
 Speak thrice, and enter.
@@ -661,14 +957,14 @@ I had forgotten about the birds until recently, but every time I feel that ecsta
 \begin{ally}
 I know.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent I want to shout and to whisper. I want to talk about how the light flows in through the head and out through the heart. I want to put words to the feeling of falling to the ground and taking root.
+I want to shout and to whisper. I want to talk about how the light flows in through the head and out through the heart. I want to put words to the feeling of falling to the ground and taking root.
 
 I want to say how it feels when I step outside myself.
 
 \begin{ally}
 You tried.
 \end{ally}
-\noindent I guess that's all I can do.
+I guess that's all I can do.
 
 \begin{ally}
 It's not, but it's important that you have tried.

book/content/poly.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{poly}
 \backgroundcolor{c[1]}[HTML]{eeddff}
 \backgroundcolor{C[1](0.5\columnsep,10000pt)(10000pt,10000pt)}[HTML]{eeddff}
 \begin{paracol}{2}

book/content/self-harm/self-harm.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{selfharm:selfharm}
 \renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=DDDDDDFF]
 
 \backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{222228}
@@ -165,7 +166,8 @@ I tell myself now that if I belive something to be true when I'm depressed as we
 
 And, well.
 
-Now I knew it was right.
+% XXX footnote color
+Now I knew it was right.\footnote{Page \pageref{gender:gender}}
 
 But I was unsafe, I was punishing myself, and I did it all on purpose.
 

book/content/self-harm/suicide.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{selfharm:suicide}
 \renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=AAAAAAFF]
 
 \backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{16161d}

book/content/sex/kink.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{sex:kink}
 \fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX]
 \renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=EEEEEEFF,Ligatures=TeX]
 

book/content/sex/rape.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{sex:rape}
 \fontspec{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=DCCCCCFF,Ligatures=TeX]
 \renewfontfamily\allyFont{Merriweather Sans}[Scale=0.9,Color=CBBBBBFF,Ligatures=TeX]
 
@@ -70,7 +71,7 @@ Less quick.
 \end{ally}
 It's unclear to me. It's something of a new thought I've had lately. Was part of what kept me struggling and striving to have a healthy sexual existence due to me trying to overcome this aspect of my past?
 
-Beyond that, was TIASAP me accepting that I wasn't succeeding?
+Beyond that, was TIASAP\footnote{Page \pageref{selfharm:selfharm}} me accepting that I wasn't succeeding?
 
 Perhaps.
 

book/content/sex/sex.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{sex:sex}
 \renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=111111FF]
 
 \backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{eeeef8}
@@ -368,7 +369,7 @@ Yes.
 \end{ally}
 I guess it makes me feel anxious and confused, just in different ways. It's comfortable enough for JD and I to not have a a sexual relationship. He's still a gay guy, for the most part, so for me to have transitioned to the extent that I have means that we don't really click on a sexual level anymore.
 
-He's not my only partner, though. Robin is still sexual. Barac is still sexual. Colton is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons.
+He's not my only partner, though. Robin is still sexual. Barac is still sexual. Colton is still sexual. I have all these sexual people in my life, and they're all people I'm attracted to and with whom I've shared sexuality in one way or another, but with whom I mostly feel disinclined to have sex with for any number of reasons.\footnote{A dream: \emph{I am getting intimate with someone and we decide to take our clothes off. I feel a wave of anxiety, and sure enough, it turns out that having had surgery was a dream and I still have a penis. Sometimes, it's not that it never happened, but that my penis has grown back. It's never shown, but strongly implied that this will be the end of the relationship.}}
 
 \begin{ally}
 And Judith?

book/content/writing/music.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{writing:music}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
 \begin{rightcolumn*}
 \noindent\includegraphics[width=2in]{assets/static/miniatures/1-1.png}

book/content/writing/software.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{writing:software}
 \renewfontfamily\pagenumfont{Gentium Book Basic}[Color=05264CFF]
 
 \backgroundcolor{c[0]}[HTML]{eaf5ff}

book/content/writing/writing.tex

@@ -1,3 +1,4 @@
+\label{writing:writing}
 \begin{paracol}{2}
 \begin{leftcolumn}
 \noindent Today, my therapist asked what the plot was to this new writing project.
@@ -85,7 +86,7 @@ And for others? Is there not enjoyment to be gained from that which you create?
 \end{ally}
 \emph{Disappearance} was good, I thought. I got a lot of good words sent my way from some folks that mean a lot to me for it. The story left an impact on them, they came away from it with some sort of enjoyment, or at least some level of emotional resonance.
 
-This project, though? I don't know. there are bits that I've tried to make enjoyable. I had fun with the koans and birds. I put a lot of emotional investment into the bits about Margaras and my dad. I tried to do some fun mixed-media stuff with the fursoña animations and the mysticism stuff. I can see those being enjoyable.
+This project, though? I don't know. there are bits that I've tried to make enjoyable. I had fun with the koans\footnote{Page \pageref{koan}} and birds\footnote{Page \pageref{birds}}. I put a lot of emotional investment into the bits about Margaras\footnote{Page \pageref{furry:margaras}} and my dad\footnote{Page \pageref{dad}}. I tried to do some fun mixed-media stuff with the fursoña animations\footnote{https://ally.id/furry/fursona} and the mysticism stuff.\footnote{https://ally.id/poet-and-mystic} I can see those being enjoyable.
 
 \begin{ally}
 And the rest?
@@ -568,7 +569,7 @@ Good luck, kid.
 \begin{ally}
 If this is about creativity, then tell me about composing.
 \end{ally}
-Shall I do so in song?
+Shall I do so in song?\footnote{https://ally.id/writing/music}
 
 \begin{ally}
 Please.

content/ally/030.md

@@ -0,0 +1,32 @@
+---
+date: 2020-02-17
+weight: 30
+---
+
+Does death take more than one form? Can it be anything other than it is? Can it sneak up on you while you aren't looking, and then when next you take a breath, you realize that you are in some afterlife?
+
+> I suppose it must, given this lead in.
+
+Have I died? Has some part of me already rotted and sloughed off? Is this, in some very literal way, an afterlife?
+
+> Do you feel as though, another seven years having passed, you are moving on from the life that you built up?
+
+Yes.
+
+> Then I see no reason not to label it as such.
+
+Perhaps lorxus was right. Perhaps I am writing this at the end of a life.
+
+> What are you leaving behind?
+
+I think I'm leaving behind that bit of me who was struggling to live earnestly.
+
+> Are you not, now?
+
+No, I think I am. Or, well, I think I am living fairly earnestly. I think what has happened over the last few years is that the struggle changed its shape.
+
+The Madison who was struggling to come to terms with a post-Matthew life is not me any longer. She spent the last seven years mourning him, in a way. She spent the last seven years figuring out how to live without him, throwing away his stuff, leaving behind family and homes and states.
+
+> Is this her memoir? Or yours?
+
+I don't know, honestly.

content/ally/031.md

@@ -0,0 +1,58 @@
+---
+date: 2020-02-17
+weight: 32
+---
+
+I've been pulling this all into a book. Like, a physical one. A paperback.
+
+> I know.
+
+How do you feel about that?
+
+> Not my department.
+
+That feels like an evasion to me. You had opinions on me streaming the process of writing. You had opinions on the process itself: you called me out on writing stuff in commit messages, on having our conversations in comments in the source code. You had opinions on me buying the domain name. Do you have no opinions about our words on something to be bought and sold?
+
+> A friend once asked Maddy, "Why do you shout into the void?"
+
+I write all of this down because the very act of putting it into words brings a sense of clarity that I lack without. By taking these moments of my life and articulating them, I almost automatically get another viewpoint on them.
+
+> And by articulating them as a conversation, you get two. That is not the friend's question.
+
+No, I suppose it isn't.
+
+I write for the clarity, but I share out of some perverse need. *The chances that ally will pick up any sizeable audience are slim, so I almost feel like I'm publishing it as an extension of my compulsive need to overshare,* I wrote. I share because I have to.
+
+> Does Maddy shout into the void because she must shout into the void?
+
+Perhaps. Sometimes.
+
+Sometimes I have to speak so that someone will hear me out of some desire for feeling justified. I need to be heard, to be seen, so that even if I'm going through something alone, others will know that I am doing so. It's being witnessed.
+
+> There is power in the word, as you say, but there is also power in the act of speaking it. There is no value-judgment for me or anyone else to make in that. Words have power, speaking has power.
+
+There is value-judgment in the content, though.
+
+> Yes. There is value-judgment in intent, as well. That you are publishing these words is not something that I **can** have an opinion about.
+
+What about my intent?
+
+> Your compulsive need to do overshare is an implicit part of our relationship.
+
+Shall I throw your words in your face?
+
+> By all means.
+
+<a class="pulse" href="/aside/2">"Am I something to be bought and sold? Am I something to be traded and marketed?"</aside>
+
+> Have you answered the question? **Am** I something to be bought and sold? Me, here, being a part of yourself.
+
+Since having that conversation, I've released two books, and yes, I suppose you are. I am. We are a brand to be built up and marketed, parceled up and sold to any comer.
+
+"The tragic core to all this," I wrote, "is that I'm not an interesting person." I *am* a writer, though. This will be my fourth book, something I never thought I'd say back in seventh grade, when I discovered I actually rather enjoyed writing those silly five paragraph essays. I never thought that I'd be the type of person to sit down and actually write things.
+
+Hell, I never thought I'd be the type of person to sit down and actually finish...well, anything. It's the type of thing that continually feels out of reach for me, someone who is up to her neck in stalled projects and who justifies them with phrases like "the process is the art".
+
+That said, I can't stop. I can't not make more things. I can't not write. If I have to write, and if, implicit in that need to write is a need for my writing to be read, then yes, you are something to be bought and sold. I am. We are.
+
+> See? Not my department.

content/ally/032.md

@@ -0,0 +1,56 @@
+---
+date: 2020-02-17
+weight: 32
+---
+
+> My turn.
+
+Shoot.
+
+> You said: "you are not the project, but there is no project without you."
+
+Yes, that applies to us both.
+
+> You have spoken to your compulsive need to overshare, and you have spoken to the fact that the act of writing and selling a book is, in its own way, the act of selling yourself. **Restless Town** and **Eigengrau** are not so firmly tied to you, though, and **Rum and Coke** certainly is not. I don't think you could say the same about this. Speak to your ties to this project.
+
+Do you suspect that it is too personal to sell?
+
+> You asked my feelings on the matter.
+
+I'm of two minds on the matter.
+
+> Har har.
+
+Thank you. Seriously, though, I can see two different sides of this.
+
+I feel like I'm putting, as Jon Ronson puts it, my maddest edges on display. In the process of pulling the book together, I was forced to reread much of what I had written, and there are parts of it where my words burn too hot, or get too slippery to hold. There's a feverish quality to them. It's something that felt good to write.
+
+These maddest edges are something that are integral to the project. You, after all, are one of the, and this project is named after you.
+
+> Is it mad to have a six month long therapy session with an imaginary interlocutor?
+
+This is both more and less than that, and you know it.
+
+> Yes.
+
+It would be 'mad' were I to believe that you were an actual interlocutor. It would be 'mad' were I to present these things as a universal worldview. It would be 'mad', awful as that word is, were I anything but deliberate with this project.
+
+As it is, I summoned you. I started pulling down bits of nostalgia when my I was shutting down my Dreamhost account. I got the idea to write, so I did. It was a deliberate effort.
+
+> Is that mad?
+
+...huh.
+
+> A question for another time. Tell me of your two minds.
+
+Right.
+
+On the one hand, I read back through all of this and I find myself tasting blood. Who is this Madison? Is she okay? She seems to be having a rough time of things at times, and at others she doesn't seem wholly sane, or at least not wholly healthy. That's a rough thing for someone to put on display. What would lead someone to do that? Some strange form of self-flagellation?
+
+And on the other, while I'm most certainly not wholly healthy, I am, at my core, a storyteller. A young one, and certainly one of uneven quality, but I'm learning and improving by doing. There are stories to be told here, with my life, and that's what I'm doing. I'm making them interesting. I'm embellishing some of them. Hell, I'm making some stuff up wholesale. And I'm doing all of this for the specific purpose of it being read.
+
+In the end, it's the storyteller that wins out over the concerned, private individual. If I can't *not* overshare, if I must compulsively tell stories, then I'm going to tell the stories I have and I'm going to make them worth reading.
+
+> A friend once asked Maddy, "Why do you shout carefully constructed, thoroughly edited, well rehearsed speeches into the void?"
+
+Maddy replied, "It pays the bills."

static/map.dot

@@ -195,13 +195,17 @@ digraph Map {
     "ally 27" [href="/27"]
     "ally 28" [href="/28"]
     "ally 29" [href="/29"]
+    "ally 30" [href="/30"]
+    "ally 31" [href="/31"]
+    "ally 32" [href="/32"]
     "To be continued..." [shape="none"]
     "ally 1" -> "ally 2" -> "ally 3" -> "ally 4" -> "ally 5" ->
     "ally 6" -> "ally 7" -> "ally 8" -> "ally 9" -> "ally 10" ->
     "ally 11" -> "ally 12" -> "ally 13" -> "ally 14" -> "ally 15" ->
     "ally 16" -> "ally 17" -> "ally 18" -> "ally 19" -> "ally 20" ->
     "ally 21" -> "ally 22" -> "ally 23" -> "ally 24" -> "ally 25" ->
-    "ally 26" -> "ally 27" -> "ally 28" -> "ally 29" -> "To be continued..."
+    "ally 26" -> "ally 27" -> "ally 28" -> "ally 29" -> "ally 30" ->
+    "ally 31" -> "ally 32" -> "To be continued..."
 
     node[group="birds",style="",fontcolor="#111111"]
     "Birds 1" [href="/birds"]