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I had to stop, yesterday. I had to stop writing.
I don't know why that memory left me in tears, paws shaking too much to write. I don't even know why I decided to commit that memory to this journal. I started this project with the goal of trying to suss out my thoughts and feelings surrounding Kay, and yet I keep writing about this. I keep writing about God or the Church or leaving Saint John's. I know that I said I would, yes, but it still somehow feels like a trespass.
I walked around the block afterward, trying to calm down, breathe deeply, be present. I did all the things I tell my patients to do when they panic, and I suppose some of it worked. I was at least able to look at the ground, look at the sky, look at the grass and trees and buildings and not feel this unnamed emotion.
If I had any doubt that Jeremy was right in suggesting journaling, I think it has been well and truly dashed by now.
This feeling, then. It is somewhere between shame and guilt. It has that bitter-savory flavor to it. It makes my fur feel clumped and matted. Why have I changed so much since leaving Saint John's that I cannot talk with God as I used to? I do not feel forsaken by Him, I really don't. So why do I feel so much...less in His sight than I did before?
Today, though, I am going for a hike. Kay has a meeting or something at the university1 , so I am taking advantage of her absence to get a bit of walking in by myself, here in a new setting.
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And we always knew that it would not be just constant time together when we planned that. ↩︎