Updates with 2023/2024 edits

mitzvot/content/008.tex

@@ -1,153 +1,137 @@
 \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center}
 
-Ioan was surprised by just how wrung out True Name looked during their Secession Day coffee date. The skunk's blouse was wrinkled, her normally orderly fur mussed atop her head, and her whiskers all abristle. She looked as though she'd not slept for days and certainly not changed outfits in at least as long.
+As usual, Debarre woke alone. End Waking would doubtless be somewhere in the woods, checking snare traps or walking or simply sitting on a rock thinking, having slipped away at first light, quietly and carefully enough not to wake him. Still, they'd gone to bed early enough that the horizon down the hill had only just let go of the sun.
 
-All the same, her arrival was much the same as all the others had been, with her smiling to em, ordering her coffee, and joining em on the couch in order to set up a cone of silence.
+He slipped out of bed and into his pants—black denim traded in for a dirty green canvas—splashed some water on his face from the barrel nearby, and started the trek back out to the rock where they'd set the fire, figuring that'd be the most likely place to find his boyfriend.
 
-``Good morning, Mx. Bălan. I trust you are well?''
+End Waking was indeed there, crouching before a low fire with a pot for coffee already set above it, but another skunk knelt across from him as well, chatting quietly.
 
-``Uh, I'm fine, I guess.'' Ey frowned, continuing carefully, ``What about you, though? You look\ldots well, terrible.''
+``Hey May Then My Name,'' he said, settling down beside her. ``Whatcha doing here?''
 
-The skunk's smile faltered, betraying the exhaustion that plainly lay beneath. With another blink, the cone's ACLs changed to opaque it from the outside. She sagged against the couch. ``I came in a rush, my dear, I apologize for my appearance.''
+The skunk started, grinned wide, and leaned in to hug around his shoulders. ``Jesus, Debarre, you taking lessons from End Waking? Scared the hell out of me, sneaking up like that.''
 
-``You don't need to apologize, True Name. I'm just worried. Lots of Secession Day preparations?''
+He laughed and returned the hug before reaching for the coffee pot. ``Maybe it's contagious.''
 
-``Of a sort, yes. Things have been rather stressful the last few days.'' She laughed, shook her head, and added, ``Well, more than a little. I have been stretched very thin and am\ldots struggling.''
+``Can you imagine a disease so miserable?'' the other skunk said, waving the weasel back from the coffee pot. ``Our guest here finished what was left. You will have to wait, my dear.''
 
-``Struggling?''
+``Sorry,'' she said, holding her battered enamel mug out to Debarre. ``You can have the other half.''
 
-The skunk's eyes darted around the coffee shop, scanning each face within at least twice. ``I am not comfortable expanding on that at the moment.''
+``Nah, go ahead. I'll wait. You never told me what you're doing here, though.''
 
-Ey held up eir hands disarmingly. ``Of course. Are you at least excited about the day?''
+She stuck her tongue out at him. ``Am I not allowed to be a pest? That is my role in life.''
 
-``When I have the chance to slow down, I can feel some of that excitement. This provides me a good chance to do so. Twenty-five years since Launch and both LVs are continuing on in their journey with very few problems. Two and a quarter centuries since Secession and life continues smoothly here.''
+``'Course you are, just that usually you're a pest with news.''
 
-``That seems to fit with your goals pretty well.''
+``Fine, fine, yes,'' she said. ``It can wait until after coffee, though. How are you, Debarre? I was not expecting you to be back just yet.''
 
-She gave a slight nod of acknowledgement, though she remained distracted. ``That it does, my dear.''
+``It is my fault,'' her cocladist said. ``A tree fell on me back around--''
 
-``You and Jonas planning anything for yourselves, at least?''
+``\emph{What?!}''
 
-``There will be a gathering, yes,'' she said. ``Today at noon.''
+He shrugged. ``There was a wind storm late last year and a tree fell across my tent. It crushed the frame and floor, knocked over the back wall, and impaled my thigh on a splintered board.''
 
-``\,`A gathering'? Not a party?''
+She brought her paws up to cover her muzzle, eyes wide.
 
-She shrugged. ``His words, not mine. I do not know what he is planning.''
+``I am okay,'' he said, smiling disarmingly. ``But I asked Debarre to return to help me rebuild.''
 
-``Well, hopefully a good one.''
+``He didn't want to fork to fix his leg,'' the weasel said, rolling his eyes.
 
-``Agreed. This will limit my time here, of course, I hope that you understand, and I may be distracted as several of my forks merge down to reduce conflicts while there.''
+``I do not fork often, you know that.''
 
-Ey nodded. ``That's alright. I've got stuff to work on, too.''
+``There was a plank through your leg, E.W.,'' he retorted. ``That wasn't just going to heal okay on its own.''
 
-Lapping at the whipped cream atop her drink, she once again scanned the crowd, which, as far as ey could tell, had not changed since she'd arrived. Something about her posture suggested that the topic of what was happening was closed, however, so ey made note to ask about it later instead.
+It was the skunk's turn to roll his eyes. ``You are no fun.''
 
-They fell into work after that. True Name focused on her messages or dealt with merges while ey dedicated a token amount of effort to eir writing. The rest of em observed the skunk out of the corner of eir eye and thought about just how much must be happening for her to admit that she was struggling. 225 years since the System seceded from the rest of Earth's governments doubtless came with a lot of celebrations and announcements to make, speeches to write, hands to shake, or whatever it was that the non-leaders of Lagrange did in such an event.
+May Then My Name, having finally regained her composure, said, ``Well, thank you, Debarre.''
 
-Add in the twenty-fifth anniversary since Launch and certainly there would be an added note of joy for many across all three Systems. Ioan was particularly looking forward to the letters from Castor and Pollux in a month and change to hear how things had gone on each of the LVs. Perhaps ey'd even hear from Sorina from Artemis.
+Debarre nodded.
 
-Still, True Name's mussed appearance and anxious expression seemed to go beyond that. Ey couldn't think of a reason related to the day that would have her in such a state. Things would be intense, but not so much so as to force her to drop her carefully constructed veneer of confidence.
+She sighed, smiling weakly at End Waking. ``I am glad you are okay, skunk. I would be lost without you.
 
-\emph{Ah well, at least she got some time off,} ey thought. This was followed by a gentle chiding which ey heard in May's voice. \emph{And you are not supposed to be fixing things, remember?}
+``The trees do not know how to kill me, May Then My Name,'' End Waking said, frowning. ``There is no virus within them. Debarre was right to get me to fork to fix, I will admit, but I would have done so anyway had it landed more fully on me.''
 
-Right.
+When all that greeted this was silence, he sighed and let his shoulders slump. ``I am sorry. I have set up the new camp in a location with sturdier trees. I will endeavor to remain cautious.''
 
-Forcing emself to concentrate on eir writing at least bought em ten minutes of work.
+May Then My Name crawled around the fire to dot her nose against End Waking's cheek. He looked uncomfortable, but tolerated the touch.
 
-``Huh,'' True Name mumbled, frowning.
+``Thank you, my dear,'' she said. ``I do not mean to lecture. I am just\ldots well, if the coffee is ready, please pour yourself a cup, Debarre, and we will talk.''
 
-``Hmm?''
+Once they'd settled back down and the kettle was replaced with a pot to cook oatmeal, she began, ``To preface, this is nothing serious, I just need to talk with someone who is not Ioan.''
 
-She shook her head. ``Nothing, I suppose. Just got a merge from an instance, and it sounds like Jonas is looking for me. He knows that I am--''
+``Why?'' End Waking asked.
 
-Ey jolted back as the skunk leapt to her feet, gaze whipping about the room, then out through the windows to the street. Her tail was bristled out, ears pinned flat, and paws clenched tight, something ey'd only seen in May, and then only a handful of times.
+``You will see. That is also part of it.''
 
-``True Name?''
+He nodded.
 
-She held up a paw, beckoning em to silence, and, despite the way she kept searching face after face, ey could picture dozens of sensorium messages flying back and forth from her. Her frown only deepened.
+``I am not even sure that it is actionable.'' She sighed, shrugged. ``I have just been thinking about True Name a lot of late.''
 
-Ey closed eir notebook, figuring ey was pretty well ruined for work at this point, and watched her carefully.
+End Waking sat, conspicuously impassive, while Debarre shook his head. ``Why? I thought you'd basically agreed to never talk again.''
 
-When nothing of interest appeared on the street, the skunk turned slowly to scan the room. Her eyes shot wide open, and ey followed her gaze out into the scant crowd of patrons. Everything was much as it had been: folks sitting and chatting, drinking their coffee, reading or doing work. She, however, seemed to be focused in particular on a middle-aged man walking from the back of the shop where a door opened onto patio seating.
+``We have not spoken; at least, not more than a few cordial words in passing. However, Ioan has been meeting up with her for coffee once a month since the first news of the Artemisians.''
 
-``Fuck,'' she said, then shouted, ``\emph{Fuck!}''
+He and End Waking both tilted their heads.
 
-She darted around the coffee table, knocking against it hard enough to send both of their drinks spilling across its surface, and grabbed eir hand. ``Go, Ioan! Go, \emph{go!}''
+``Ey has been ensuring that things remain polite and smooth between us.'' She held up a paw to forestall any comments, adding quickly, ``I trust em in this. Ey is simply meeting her at a coffee shop where they each work on their own projects. They chat a little, and then do their own things. Ey describes it as `friendly coworkers' more than anything, which I believe.''
 
-``What?!'' Ey scrambled to eir feet, eyes darting between True Name and that oddly familiar man walking towards them. ``Where?''
+``Is that a thing that even needs to be done?'' Debarre said. ``Wasn't she just leaving you alone before?''
 
-``Home! Anywhere!''
+``Yes, thankfully. It is just\ldots{}'' She frowned, poking at the packed earth with a claw. ``That silence has been necessary to prevent anger, but it has still not been comfortable. There are plenty of people who I no longer see and do not miss, or do miss and think about with some frequency. It was such an uneasy silence.''
 
-It didn't seem open to discussion, and enough of her panic had built up in em by now that ey quickly stepped from the sim to home, yanking True Name along with.
+``And you think Ioan's doing the right thing?''
 
-To home and chaos.
+``Ey is,'' End Waking said. ``Ey is ensuring that there remains a distance between you two without it being an unbridged distance. That would just leave you to stew, knowing how you work. You would never let it go and spin yourself into a whirlwind of emotion. The Bălans are perhaps a little awkward at times, but they do not lack all social graces.''
 
-There was a flurry of activity down the short hall from the entryway, several instances of May blinking into and out of existence, along with several more of the same man they'd seen at the shop. She was forking close enough to each instance of him to exercise the collision algorithms of the sim, knocking him this way and that to keep him away from her. She was screaming, ``Get the fuck out! I am not her! Get \emph{out!}''
+May Then My Name rubbed her paws over her face. ``I knooow,'' she whined. ``And I love em for thinking of that.''
 
-``May!''
+``You just still resent her,'' the other skunk said.
 
-A few of the skunks looked over to the door, and then suddenly another was beside em, grabbing eir free hand. With a wrenching sensation, a sudden change in light and sound and gravity, the three of them stumbled out of Arrowhead Lake's default entry point.
+``Yes.''
 
-May pulled her paw roughly free of eir hand and whirled to face them, shouting, ``What the fuck did you do?!''
+``I know you said it probably isn't actionable,'' Debarre said, poking at the fire with a stick. ``But what would you change about the situation?''
 
-Tugging her own paw free, True Name darted away, looking around wild-eyed. ``How secure is this place?''
+``As in `in a perfect world'?''
 
-``I think May and I are the only ones who even know it--''
+``Right, yeah. Perfect world, what would you like?''
 
-She quickly ran a few paces into the woods, peering between the trees.
+She frowned, watching End Waking dote over the oatmeal, dumping a pawful of dried fruit into it. Eventually, she said, ``I do not know. She has apologized and done what I have requested. She has changed, too, from what Ioan has said. She is trying to be more earnest and willing to engage emotionally. She has been seeing Sarah as well.''
 
-``Ioan,'' May growled. ``What the fuck just happened? Why the fuck was he in our house?''
+Debarre nodded. ``But it sounds like that's not it.''
 
-Ey shook eir head, trying to dislodge the dazed confusion. ``I don't know. He was at the coffee shop, too. Who even--''
+``No.~I think what is missing is contrition. She has apologized for what she has done to me and Ioan and has maybe even begun to make changes. I do not know how to put it, but it feels like she is being earnest without being sincere. She is sorry, but not contrite. She does not feel bad for what she has done. Her apologies are not backed by understanding.''
 
-``Guōweī,'' she snapped, then shouted up to True Name, ``Why the fuck was he in our house? What did you do?''
+``There is no penance,'' End Waking said plainly, dishing out the oatmeal into the mugs they'd been using for coffee. ``True penance is borne out of feeling bad about what one has done and wanting to change, to make up for it, not merely about responding to how others are reacting.''
 
-The other skunk had shifted from her near feral crouch to standing, rigid and staring up into the branches, a look of dire concentration on her face.
+May Then My Name toyed with her oatmeal. ``Yes. Maybe she does and just does not know how to show it. I just do not know how to truly believe that.''
 
-When she didn't answer, May began pacing and muttering—whether to herself or through some sensorium message, ey couldn't tell.
+``Worried she's just acting?'' Debarred said, blowing on a still vigorously steaming spoonful of oats.
 
-Guōweī. The assassin. The reputation analyst who had killed Qoheleth in the middle of his speech.
+``Perhaps. That was ever the dilemma of us going into theatre. Did we love it or did we merely want to become someone else? To hide from who we were?''
 
-A quick prowl through eir memories lined up face with name.
+``Be wary of your pessimism,'' End Waking said. ``It takes attention and effort, May Then My Name, at least when one has intentionally tamped down emotions to the point that she has. If I could teach her, if either of us could teach her, I think we would, but I do not know that one can learn penance from anyone but oneself.''
 
-Eventually, True Name's shoulders sagged and she stumbled down from the trees, Ioan and May both watching her, wide-eyed. She kept walking past them, past the trail, down onto muddy beach, then out into the water. The short waves lapped up against her legs, soaking her slacks, and still she kept walking. She walked until the lake had made its way nearly up to her waist.
+She nodded, looking distracted and thoughtful. ``If it were as simple as merging down\ldots{}''
 
-And then she screamed.
+End Waking stiffened, frowned around his bite of breakfast.
 
-It wasn't a shout, no words were behind it. It was a scream of pure, unrestrained emotion, though whether anger, fear, frustration, or something else, ey could not guess.
+She smiled to him apologetically. ``Sorry, I will stop for now. Thank you both for listening to me bitch.''
 
-Then she turned around and waded back toward the shore, stumbling once or twice, until she gave up and fell to her knees, water up to her waist once more. She beat at the surface of the lake with balled-up fists, growling and crying. Finally, she stopped, slouching over until she had to catch herself on her hands.
+``It's fine, skunk,'' Debarre said. ``I think E.W. is right that Ioan's doing the right thing. It takes some pressure off of you and lets it\ldots I dunno, be a process or something. You don't have to do anything now 'cause you've got an opening to deal with it.''
 
-May's fury, which until that point had been burning hot in her expression, was replaced by something more complicated. Anger, yes, but anxiety and fear as well. ``True Name,'' she said, voice more under control than it had been. ``What happened?''
+``Yes, well put. Thank you, my dear,'' she said. ``I will process as best I can. I do not suppose either of you have talked to her recently?''
 
-``They are gone. They are all gone. Someone is trying to take me out,'' she said between heaving breaths. ``Trying to get rid of me.''
+They both shook their heads.
 
-``What? Why?'' ey said.
+``Right, I thought not. That's enough of the topic for now, anyway.'' She waved a paw and took a bite of oatmeal, then pulled a face. ``We need to get you some sugar or something.''
 
-There was no answer from the skunk.
+Debarre laughed. ``She's right, E.W. I've gotten used to it, but only just barely.''
 
-``Who, then?''
+``Fucking lame,'' he drawled. ``My sim, my rules. You must suffer without.''
 
-She shook her head numbly. ``I do not know. There is a small list that we have been keeping our eye on. There are some reactionary elements that have been growing louder. I need to think. I need to\ldots but\ldots{}''
+May Then My Name flicked some oatmeal from her spoon at him. ``Call me lame, will you.''
 
-They waited, tense.
+He grinned toothily, picking the bit of oatmeal off his shirt sleeve and adding it to his mug.
 
-``But all of my instances are gone. Two merged back, one sent a message that she would be late, and then nothing.''
+``Either way, my root instance is back at home, so I can stay as long as I like. Would you like some help, at least?''
 
-``\emph{All} of them?'' May asked. ``How many?''
-
-``One hundred and eight.''
-
-At that eir partner let out a startled laugh. ``Jesus Christ, True Name.''
-
-Again, no answer.
-
-``Well, who would even know where your root instance was? Or all of your other instances, for that matter?'' Ioan asked.
-
-``My root--'' She tried to stand so quickly that she stumbled again and had to catch herself. ``You have to be fucking kidding me.''
-
-Her eyes went blank, and she frowned out toward nothing, though tears left tracks down her cheeks.
-
-May looked to Ioan. ``What does she mean?''
-
-Ey couldn't tear eir eyes off the other skunk, and it took em a few seconds to even work up the concentration to reply. ``Shortly before we left, one of her two merges said that Jonas was looking for her.''
+``If you can swing a hammer, then yes, that would be wonderful.''