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-\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2349}{%
-\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2349}}
+\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{%
+\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}}
 \markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{}
 
-True Name, having gathered her wits about her at least enough to trudge out of the lake and fork herself dry, requested directions to somewhere she could think alone. Ioan gestured down the path toward the rock, explaining that it'd be far enough away that they wouldn't hear each other if she didn't want a cone of silence, but that she'd still be able to see them at the entry point if anything happened.
+Through some stroke of luck or perhaps some forgetful nature, it was perpetually early summer at Arrowhead Lake, that abandoned mountain sim Ioan and May had long ago adopted. Whether or not winter had socked them in at home, they could at least take a summer walk somewhere.
 
-``I need to think. No one from the stanza is replying, I am not sure which friends I can trust, and I definitely do not want to speak to Jonas,'' she explained, then rubbed her paws over her face. ``Or perhaps I just need to sulk. I will return in an hour.''
+``Winter has its place,'' ey'd explained to May once when she'd gotten particularly whiny about the snow. ``I like the snow so long as I'm inside.''
 
-She bowed to em and May then trudged off down the path.
+``Did you ever even see snow, my dear?''
 
-May glared after her down-tree instance with her paws bunched into fists and ears canted back, then whirled on Ioan, waving a cone of silence into being.
+Ey'd shrugged. ``Sure. We'd get dumped on once or twice a year.''
 
-``Ioan, I am not at all happy,'' she said, voice frigid. ``I know that none of this is your fault except inasmuch as you have been meeting her for coffee, but I am having a hard time keeping my anger to myself.''
+``And was that pleasant?''
 
-Ey took a long breath, ran eir hands through eir hair, and paced in an abbreviated line before her. ``I know, May, I don't blame you. I'm completely baffled. Go ahead.''
+``Well, no, but--''
 
-``I spend two hundred fucking years trying to get away from that life, from all of her fucking schemes,'' she said, voice quickly rising in volume. ``And then I spend the last three trying to calm down so that I quit burning up whenever I so much as think about her, and now this. Look at us! Hiding in the woods from assassins. \emph{Assassins!}''
+She'd laughed at em, then, shaking her head. ``I miss our porch swing. I miss our lilacs and dandelions. Sometimes, I just want to lay in the grass and overheat. I have been betrayed by our weather.''
 
-Ey averted eir gaze from her. Nothing ey could say would help, and ey knew some remote part of emself was feeling much of what she was, too.
+So it was a good escape when it got cold. They could duck off—alone or together—to the lake and head for a walk.
 
-``Her and fucking Jonas are still doing whatever the fuck it is that they do, and now they are doing it to each other. Every time I think I can just settle down with you and get away from that, it just seeps right back in. I know that you were trying to do right by us, meeting up with her, but I really, \emph{really} wish you had not.''
+May had chosen the name Arrowhead Lake over Ioan's protests that it looked nothing like an arrowhead, being more kidney shaped. The sim itself was tagged Peak Lake\#587a9383. Maybe it was just Peak Lake? This seemed only to have emboldened her when ey brought it up, and ey was firmly overruled.
 
-``May, I--''
+Whenever ey walked out there without her, as ey did today, ey'd think on this. Maybe it had little to do with the lake itself. Maybe it had to do with the silhouettes of the pines? Or something to do with way the snow lingered on pointed peaks?
 
-``At least tell me what happened there.''
+``Or maybe she's just a brat,'' ey mumbled, smiling to emself as ey walked slowly along the deer trail. ``No reasoning with an Odist.''
 
-``Right. We met up as usual. She was looking pretty terrible, and when pressed on it, she said she was struggling and wasn't comfortable elaborating. When asked about Secession Day, she said she and Jonas were going to have, in his words, a gathering. She said her instances were going to merge down for this and that one of them said he was looking for her. She kept getting anxious and looking around at everyone there, and then jumped up, I guess when merges stopped coming. Guōweī came in from the back and walked right toward us, then we stepped home and grabbed you.''
+Ey'd long wrestled with whether or not they were just normal people. Perhaps Michelle had been—ey'd not spent enough time around her to know, and what time ey had managed had been mostly silence. Toward the end, her conversations were more interruptions than not, although the impression ey'd gotten was that she'd been kind and gentle, while still being the type to care passionately about things or, more often, people. The impression just hadn't been a strong one. Not enough time for it to solidify.
 
-May crossed her arms and watched em pace and talk, her expression softening, though the frown remained. ``And that is it? No talk of these\ldots what, reactionary groups?''
+Ey'd eventually come to the conclusion, confirmed through discussions with several of the clade, that each of them had begun more as a distillation of a singular aspect of Michelle than the whole of her. That wasn't to say that they weren't complete in their own right, simply that each was singularly focused on their interests and skills, a perpetual hyperfixation. What was it Codrin and Dear had said? Even True Name was a fully realized person.
 
-Ey shook eir head. ``None today, none in the past. It seems like something she'd keep close to the chest.''
+Normal, though? Could one be both a singular facet and normal?
 
-``And it was in a cone with visual ACLs on secure?''
+And maybe it went beyond them. Maybe it was a dispersionista thing. Ey could see such a habit building even without Michelle's unique experiences.
 
-``Yeah.''
+When the trail dipped down out of the trees toward the shore, ey stooped to pick up a handful of pebbles, enough to toss into the water once ey reached the boulder at the lake's outlet. Codrin had eir cairns, ey supposed, and ey had a heap of pebbles at the bottom of the lake, tossed in one by one over the decades.
 
-``But Guōweī was still walking right for you?''
+\emph{I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing,} ey thought, rattling the rocks around in eir hand as ey continued walking. \emph{I don't know if I'm supposed to help either of them, bring them together again, or what.}
 
-Ey nodded.
+It was still a week out from eir next meeting with True Name, from Secession Day, and while May's anxiety hadn't ticked back up, eir own had lingered. There was an unsettled feeling within em that made itself known whenever ey thought about heading to the coffee shop.
 
-The skunk looked down to the ground, brow furrowed. ``I suppose if he knew she was there, that would be proof enough. I imagine a place like that chooses to display it as blurred out rather than completely hidden.''
+``Maybe I'm not supposed to do anything,'' ey muttered, climbing up the boulder. ``Maybe I'm just supposed to be a friend, like she says.''
 
-``I guess,'' ey said, though the words lacked conviction to eir ears. ``Then she grabbed my hand and told me to go.''
+Ey tossed a stone into the water with a small plunk and splash.
 
-``She grabbed--'' She hesitated, mastered a sudden swell of anger, then subsided. ``It makes sense, I suppose. The chance that you would head someplace that she and Jonas could not guess is greater than if she had chosen. Ioan, my dear, you are pacing a hole in the path.''
+That gulf remained between the two skunks, and no one seemed happy with it.
 
-``Sorry, May,'' ey said, trying to stand still. ``It's just a little nuts.''
+\emph{Plunk, splash.}
 
-The skunk sighed, held out her paw to em, and gave her best smile. ``I know. I am really fucking confused and really fucking pissed, I do not imagine you are feeling much better. Would walking help?''
+``I don't know why it feels like I'm supposed to be the one to do something about it. Friends are supposed to help, right?''
 
-Ey took her paw in eir hand and nodded. ``Please.''
+\emph{Plunk, splash.}
 
-Remembering their promise to stay in sight, they walked slowly back and forth along the short stretch of beach near the entry point, still within sight of True Name, kneeling on the rock by the outlet of the lake.
+``There's nothing for me to fix, really. They've each made their own decisions, and seem at peace with those, even if they're not happy with whatever's left between them.''
 
-``I am sorry that overflowed onto you for a moment, Ioan. I did not mean to yell at you.''
+\emph{Plunk, splash.}
 
-``You're fine, May, you just had some guy chasing you around our house trying to kill you or whatever, you're allowed to be pissed.''
+``And they'd probably both resent me if I \emph{were} to do anything.'' Ey tossed a few pebbles in at once, splashing in a brief, watery static. ``Whatever that'd even be.''
 
-She snorted and shook her head. ``He had only just arrived a few moments before you. I imagine True Name's fork said something about being with you but not where, so he came to our place and saw someone that looked vaguely like her. Perhaps they wanted it to be as close to simultaneous as possible for precisely this reason and one simply jumped the gun. I am surprised they did not just wait for her. How eager they must be.''
+Ey stood at the peak of that boulder, tossing pebbles into water and thinking, mumbling to emself about May and True Name. When ey ran out of pebbles, ey sat cross-legged and looked out over the lake, unseeing.
 
-``Makes about as much sense as any of this.'' Ey looked out across the lake at where the other skunk sat, head bowed. ``What do we do now?''
+``I should just pinch myself whenever I start thinking that there's something I need to do,'' ey said to the water. ``Pretty sure May doesn't want it, she's happy working on her emotions without me meddling, and I'm pretty sure True Name doesn't want it, since she seems content\ldots what was it, maintaining that level of connection after so long a time of disconnect?''
 
-``I do not know, my dear. I have had precisely as many assassins after me as you, now, and I do not know what to do about True Name. I guess just stay here for a bit and gather our wits.''
+The lake didn't answer, not in anything other than the water lapping at the shore and the chatter of the creek.
 
-Ey sighed, bent down, and plucked at a pebble on the bank until it came free of the sand, tossing it into the water. Anything to keep from spiraling back into anxiety. ``I'll have to go back and clear the house at some point. I'll lock down the ACLs to us and any immediate guests.''
+``This is stupid.''
 
-``I do not imagine you will find much there, now that we are gone, but I appreciate you doing a sweep all the same. I have some concerns about our privacy.''
+Ey sat for another hour, just watching the lake, the clouds, the trees, trying not to think about how complicated it was for one person to be so split among so many instances.
+
+The walk back was spent unwinding the thought processes that led em here in the first place. Unwinding and re-coiling into a careful skein, now with fewer knots than it had had in it before, though it still remained tangled.
+
+``Good walk, my dear?'' May said when ey returned and plopped down onto the couch.
+
+``Very. It's nice out there.''
+
+``It always is,'' the skunk said, walking over from where she'd been poking around in the kitchen to dot her nose atop eir head. ``It could be here too, you know.''
+
+Ey laughed and waved a hand toward the picture windows facing out the balcony, out to the drifting snow. ``It's pretty, May. It makes being all warm inside nicer.''
+
+She leaned down to rest her elbows on the back of the couch beside em. ``I am not immune to the beauty, I am just a wuss when it comes to the cold.''
+
+``Well, if you ever wore shoes\ldots{}''
+
+She swatted at the back of eir head and laughed. ``Jerk.''
+
+``Ow! Domestic abuse!'' Ey laughed as well, rubbing at eir head. ``Want to go out for dinner?''
+
+At that, May perked up, grinning. ``I take back the slap. Yes please! Can we get sushi?''
+
+``Sure, J2?''
+
+She bounced on the balls of her feet and nodded. ``Yes! You, my dear, know just how to treat a girl.''
+
+``Skunk girl.''
+
+``Well, yes, but still.'' Still bouncing, she twirled around\pagebreak~behind the couch, tail trailing along behind her. ``I will get ready. I am hungry now, so too bad if you are not.''
+
+One of the things that Ioan appreciated most about J2 over all of the other sushi places May had dragged em to is that it was the most amenable to em eating with eir hands. May was quite nimble with chopsticks—no mean feat with paws and claws—but ey'd never quite picked it up, so being able to eat those little bullets of rice and fish with eir hands suited em quite well.
+
+It had a channel of water floating along between the booths, small dishes drifting by lazily for the diners to pluck from the water. This obviated the need for any staff, real or simulated, as each dish would be replaced from behind a bend in the river. With no need to pay beyond a token amount of reputation, it simply became a pleasant evening out, plates stacking up at the edge of their table a tacit contest with other diners.
+
+``Did you get what you needed out of your walk earlier?'' May asked before popping a bit of fish into her muzzle.
+
+Ey shrugged, finished chewing, and said, ``I guess. Was doing some thinking into that feeling that I have to fix every problem in front of me when it comes to relationships.''
+
+``I have noticed that in you, yes,'' she said. ``Beyond when we specifically talk about it, I mean.''
+
+``You have?''
+
+``You are not a sneaky person, Ioan. When it comes up, it is there for me to see.''
+
+``Oh, uh,'' ey stammered, setting eir plate on top of the stack. ``Sorry, May.''
+
+``No, no, you are fine! I accept it in the spirit in which it is given. You want to do right by me and your friends, even when `doing right' is not your responsibility. So long as you do not overstep boundaries, I can at least understand it.''
+
+``Well, all the same, it's not like it's comfortable. I don't think anyone likes feeling helpless, but I just wish I didn't get hung up on finding solutions to everything.''
+
+``You know, it is weird,'' she said, gesturing vaguely with a shrimp. ``For someone who spent so long purely observing, a busybody tendency feels out of place.''
+
+Ey shook eir head. ``Observing is situational. If there's something happening that has a start and end, or which I can come home from, then I can just observe it. If it's something that's ongoing or integral to a person, especially a meaningful person, then I feel like I really want to help.''
+
+She had taken the opportunity of em talking to eat the bit of shrimp she'd used as a pointer, and when she finished, she asked, ``Is this a new thing?''
+
+``How do you mean?''
+
+``Were you always like this? Did you always want to help when it was something integral to people you care about?''
 
 Ey frowned.
 
-She waved the idea away with a paw. ``If it is an issue, we will discuss it. If it is not, then I do not want to think about it any further.''
+``Do not get me wrong, I am not suggesting one way or another. We have only known each other for a small portion of our lives. It is just that Codrin and Sorina both decided to specifically focus on that only recently.''
 
-``Well, if you say so.''
+Ey nodded thoughtfully. ``Right. I don't know, honestly. Maybe? Maybe it's you, and--''
 
-She leaned against eir side, resting her head on eir shoulder. ``I am sorry, my dear. It is one of those things that is not a concern until it suddenly very fucking is.''
+She rolled her eyes.
 
-Ey ruffled a hand through the fur between the skunk's ears, then settled eir arm around her shoulders. ``I'll tell you what all I find there, and we can both hope it's nothing. What will you do, meanwhile?''
+``No, I mean, maybe it's you in that you're the first person I've gotten close enough to to wind up feeling like that, at least since I uploaded.''
 
-``I am not sure. I do not particularly want to come with if they are looking for someone who looks like me. I will stay here and I guess keep an eye on our\ldots ah, guest.''
+The skunk paused in the act of picking another plate from the river, letting it drift on. ``Did you feel that way about your brother? Was you uploading your fix?''
 
-``You sure you'll be okay with that?''
+Ey felt eir muscles go rigid, eir jaw clench, eir hands start to tremble. ``Uh\ldots well, huh.''
 
-There was a long pause before the skunk gave in and slipped both of her arms around eir middle, burying her face against eir shirt. ``I do not know,'' she said, voice muffled and small. ``I thought that I would be, was going to \emph{say} that I would be, but I really do not know.''
+Ears splayed and eyes wide with alarm, the skunk reached out to take one of eir hands in her own. ``I am sorry, Ioan. If I overstepped, I apologize.''
 
-Ey rested eir chin atop her head. ``Well, I don't think I'll be gone all that long—five minutes, maybe—but if you need, just send a ping and I'll be right back.''
+Letting the skunk lace her fingers with eirs, ey shook eir head to dislodge the slight dizziness that had come with the realization and concomitant panic. ``Maybe?'' Ey forced a smile. ``I mean, maybe uploading was my fix for that situation? I don't know.''
 
-``I am not expecting anything so dramatic. I will stay here and try to de-stress. True Name still has about half an hour left of\ldots well, whatever it is that she is doing.''
+She nodded, gave eir hand a gentle squeeze.
 
-Ey tightened eir arms around the skunk for a squeeze, kissed her atop the head, then stepped back. ``All the same, just stay safe, alright?''
+``I think you're the only person I've really loved other than Rareș,'' ey said, nudging the conversation back on track to avoid settling into that particular rumination. ``That's what I meant. I want to make things good for you, whether it's you overflowing, stuff with True Name, or any other number of things that aren't my responsibility or even under my control.''
 
-She sniffled and nodded. ``You too, my dear. Good luck, and do not die.''
+May smiled, the expression veering perilously close to a smirk. ``You have said that you want to fix things for True Name at times, too. Are you sure that you are not in love?''
+
+``I've also talked about how often I'll wind up getting caught off guard by how much you two still look and sound alike,'' ey said, smirking right back. ``She's nice and I do want to help her, but I think I'm a ways off from that.''
+
+She laughed. ``I know, I know. You just leave yourself so open, sometimes, a girl cannot help herself. You are also allowed to want to help friends and acquaintances as well as me.''
+
+``Skunks, I swear\ldots{}'' Ey laughed when she pinched at eir fingers, tugging eir hand free so ey could grab another plate of sushi. ``That's kind of what I was thinking about on the walk, though. I feel weirdly obligated to fix things. It's not my place to, I don't think either of you would be comfortable with that, and that's not even counting whether or not it's something either of you \emph{want}.''
+
+``I do not know,'' she said, shrugging. ``I spoke about that with End Waking and Debarre recently, and am no closer to an answer. We did all agree, however, that you doing what you are is a good thing, in that it at least sets up an avenue for change, even if neither True Name nor I decide to take that step.''
+
+Ey nodded. ``I just want things to remain smooth between everyone, is all. Maybe it's a little\ldots I don't know, overly conciliatory of me?''
+
+``Perhaps, but that does not mean it does not have its own utility.''
+
+They ate in silence for a few minutes, Ioan eventually giving up after finishing eir plate. It was no less easy to eat too much, even in an embedded world.
+
+``Are you okay with it?''
+
+``Hmm?''
+
+``Being between us. Interacting with the both of us even though I still resent her and she is still pleased with the work that she does. Are you okay being in the middle of that?''
+
+Ey slouched back against the booth and watched the plates drift lazily by on the current, thinking. ``I don't know.''
+
+``That is a perfectly valid answer, my dear.''
+
+``I don't really like the feeling. I feel weird about it every time it comes up, much as we need to talk about it.'' Ey smiled, taking one of her paws in eir hand again. ``I agree that it has its uses. It's uncomfortable at times, but I don't think I'd be any more comfortable dropping out of the role.''
+
+The skunk brushed her thumb over eir fingers, saying, ``I understand, Ioan. It is complex. If it needs to change, it can, and until then, even if I still harbor equally complex thoughts on True Name, I appreciate your position in our dynamic.''
+
+The conversation drifted away from the subject after that, and the two wound up back at home to poke through their own projects even as the night fell early.
+
+It wasn't until they'd made it back to bed and curled up together that ey was finally able to truly let go of the topic, though; even throughout eir writing, a small portion of eir mind had been dedicated to the question of what eir role was between the two skunks and why it both rankled and felt necessary.