Updates with 2023/2024 edits

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Madison Scott-Clary
2024-03-19 22:06:22 -07:00
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Having sent May Then My Name home with a few extra griddle cakes and then run out of daylight, Debarre and End Waking gave up on any additional work for the day. The tent was livable, if incomplete, and a bit of a break felt nice, anyway. They sat beside each other before the fire and watched the flames, not speaking, simply enjoying the warmth and each other's company.
Everyone was off in the morning. Tired, grumpy, sore.
At least, Debarre enjoyed the warmth and the feeling of his boyfriend beside him. He couldn't tell what End Waking was thinking or feeling. He'd not said a word since wishing his cocladist goodbye and good luck.
The narrowness of the cots had frustrated Ioan and May throughout the night. They \emph{could} both fit on one, but only if they straightened out rather than their usual tight curl. At one point, they tried dragging the cots to be side by side, but the frames against each other made a hard ridge that was impossible to rest on comfortably. In the end, they'd fallen asleep, each on their own cot, facing each other with arms tangled enough to get at least some contact through the night.
``Thanks for letting me stay, E.W.''
Whether or not True Name had actually slept seemed up in the air. She had shrugged noncommittally when asked, but it certainly didn't look like she had.
``Mm? Of course, my love. I am glad for your help and your company.''
Conversation was equally awkward. May apologized stiffly to her down-tree instance over breakfast of further sandwiches and True Name accepted graciously enough, but then they fell back into silence.
He nodded. Silence fell again. End Waking put another log on the fire.
After breakfast, there was little else to do but head back home. They left the camp set up. Ioan couldn't begin to guess how to take down the tents, given how distracted ey'd been while End Waking had been setting them up. \emph{Besides,} ey reasoned. \emph{Best to keep them around just in case things go sideways.}
``I know that I am a less-than-ideal partner, Debarre. I \emph{do} love you, I promise.''
They decided to leave forks behind in case anything went wrong, then Ioan took each of the skunks' paws and stepped back home.
\emph{Here it comes.} ``Love you too, E.W. Want some space after we're done with the camp?''
True Name immediately wrinkled her nose at the sight out the picture windows into the back yard. ``Snow?''
``Please,'' the skunk said after a long pause. ``I do not like sending you away, but so much has happened this last week, these last few months\ldots{}''
``Ey is some sort of masochist,'' May said, \emph{sotto voce}. ``You will have to forgive em. Ey is working on it with Sarah.''
He scooted closer to End Waking and slipped an arm around his waist. It was probably more affection than the skunk would have preferred at the moment, but he needed at least something to go with that statement. End Waking seemed to realize this, as well, and although he didn't reciprocate the affection, he did at least relax against Debarre's side.
So out of place was the humor that it took em a moment to catch up. Ey laughed tiredly and shook eir head. ``For theatre nerds, you guys have no imagination. Coffee?''
``What do you suppose they are doing on Artemis?'' End Waking asked, staring at the fire rather than up to the stars.
May leaned up and dotted her nose against eir cheek. ``You, my dear, are an utter delight.''
``Hmm? My guess is that everyone's getting settled in by now. All those who went along with have probably dug homes or whatever they call it in the fifthrace area, and some are probably getting pretty good at\ldots uh, \emph{Nanon}, was it?''
True Name followed them into the den. ``Please. I am going to fall over if I do not have something.''
``Did Debarre\#Castor go with?''
May flopped down onto her usual beanbag and rubbed her paws over her face while True Name sat quietly at the dining table and Ioan made coffee. ``If it is alright by you two, I am going to take a shower after coffee, as hot as I can stand,'' May said. ``And then we can work on the addition.''
``No, actually. He still hasn't told me why, either. He's at least spent quite a bit of time in Convergence. Lots of visiting with Codrin and Dear. Have you heard from them? They've quite a name for themselves there, apparently.''
``Sure. I can start by mirroring our room and then stripping personal items while you're getting cleaned up.''
``Only when Dear writes clade-wide. It and I were never as close as we could have been. It sounds happy, at least, and passes on good stories.''
``Thank you both,'' True Name said, tracing a claw along the wood grain on the table, an incredibly familiar gesture from years of living with May. ``Again, I mean. I really do appreciate all that you are doing. Perhaps we can discuss boundaries and expectations later, but I am also looking forward to a shower.''
He laughed. ``I can't imagine anything but, honestly. Any news of the others?''
Ioan nodded, finishing up the coffee prep—eirs black and both of the skunks' sweet and creamy—and carrying the mugs to each of them. ``I guessed,'' ey said, setting one down in front of True Name. ``Let me know if you need anything different.''
``Codrin sounds unhappy, and I cannot quite piece together why.''
Ey sat down carefully by May and held both of their coffees while the skunk scooted in close against em as usual before handing hers over. It felt good to be back in a more comfortable setting, back where ey and May could could at least get close, even if everything still felt nerve-wracking.
``Really? Like, with eir new job?''
They drank in silence for a while, minus a thank you from each of the skunks, the three of them doing their best to un-cringe from last day's worth of anxiety.
``Oh, no, ey still seems quite pleased with that from the text, but the subtext is that ey is displeased in some other, more fundamental way. I always get that sense when news includes the topic of Artemis.''
It worked a little too well, perhaps, as ey had to nudge May awake to finish her coffee and shower, and the prospect of levering emself out of the beanbag felt out of reach. All the same, ey needed to at least get the other room created, then perhaps the three of them could nap.
``What about Sorina, though? Doesn't ey have connections through her?''
Once May was on her way to the shower, ey stood, finished eir coffee, and began to work. Ey dumped a series of intents into the sim. A doorway cut itself out of the wall opposite the one to eir own bedroom. A room extruded itself beyond the doorway, filling itself with all of the very same stuff that eirs and May's contained. The sim's boundaries whined in protest at not having enough for the windows to look out on and, too tired to think of any other options, ey mirrored the view of the yard as well so that True Name's room looked out over yet more grass and dandelions.
The skunk shrugged. ``I do not know. These communications are simple family letters or those little quippy snippets that Dear is so fond of. Nothing in depth.''
\emph{If she stays for any real length of time, maybe I can just mirror the rest of the house and she can have a full setup.}
Debarre hesitated, unsure of how to broach the question. \emph{No way out but through,} ey thought, saying, ``What about True Name\#Castor? Anything from her?''
That was enough for now, though. Ey got started going through the room from top to bottom, wiping it of eirs and May's presence. Anything that wasn't the bed, the nightstands, and any other furniture was evaluated and either left for its decorative value or swiped away to nothingness. A damp May joined em partway through the exercise, and by the time they were done, the room was left clean and neat, sparsely decorated without being oppressively empty.
``Not you, too,'' he said with a groan. ``I cannot seem to escape her today, can I?''
``Hopefully it's not too bleak,'' ey said once May had fetched True Name. ``I gave you some ACLs over the space if you need to make or recycle anything. Just let me know if the room itself needs changing.''
``Sorry, E.W.''
She stood silent and still for nearly a minute, leaving em to fidget while May looked on, frowning.
He sighed. ``No, it is okay. If that is what is happening, then that is what is happening, and we are bound to talk about it. One moment, then.''
Finally, she cleared her throat and said hoarsely. ``This is more than enough, my dear. I do not know why you two\ldots but, well, I should get cleaned up and then we can talk proper. I am perhaps a little too emotional for that at the moment.''
There was a long silence from End Waking. Debarre imagined him trudging through exos, reading back through clade communiqués that his down-tree instance over on the LV had sent back.
May sighed, nodded. ``At your own pace.''
``She remains herself,'' he said at last. ``I mean truly herself, not the bent and twisted True Name of Lagrange. Competent, confident, in complete control. She strives behind the scenes in both Convergence and the rest of Castor as she always has.''
They both bowed and backed out of the room to let True Name shut the door behind her so that she could shower. May took eir hand in her paw and led em over to the bean bag to get comfortable once again.
``\,`Bent and twisted'? I mean, she sounds like she's having a rough time of late, but that bad?''
``You okay?'' ey murmured, once she was properly nestled against em, head tucked up under eir chin.
``This is also subtext, my dear. The True Name of Lagrange no longer writes the same way as the True Name of the LVs. True Name\#Castor is as True Name was back before Launch, and True Name\#Pollux has settled down with Zacharias and sits on the Guiding Council, whatever that is. The one here is\ldots{}'' He frowned, visibly hunting for words. ``She is no longer what she was. She is middle-management. She is overworked and underappreciated. She continues on with her plans, to which I assume she still clings tight, but that comes with a sense of desperation that I cannot otherwise place. She is bent and twisted nearly to the point of fatigue, as when one bends a paperclip until it snaps.''
``I am tired, Ioan. I am tired and I am stressed and I am\ldots I do not know. Conflicted, perhaps.''
``Is that why you think May Then My Name wants you to merge down?''
``How do you mean?''
``To break her, you mean?''
She shrugged. ``It is much easier to hate from a distance, especially when one is built as I am.''
Debarre nodded.
``To love?''
``Perhaps, yes. She shared more with me before she arrived and I do\ldots I do see the reasoning behind her request. What that actually means to her, however, I am not sure. Does she want to shock True Name into becoming whatever she considers a real person? Does she want to break her out of rigidity and make her more complete? Does she want her to move beyond whatever this unspeakable atrocity is through force alone? I do not know.''
She pressed her face against eir chest, sighed.
``Maybe just hurt her without killing her,'' he added.
Ey wanted to ask her how well that fit her monologue, that idea that to be built to love is to be built to hate yourself. Ey wanted to go back sixteen hours or however long it had been and kick Jonas's ass. Ey wanted to go back twenty-four hours and warn True Name, to go back three and a half years and warn the True Name ey'd first gotten coffee with.
End Waking looked at him sharply, then subsided. ``Also a possibility. Had you suggested that a decade ago, I would have been quite upset, because I do not think that who May Then My Name used to be could possibly have been so vengeful, but I am not sure that that is the case anymore.''
Instead, ey said, ``You're a good person, May.''
``Is that such a bad thing, though?'' Debarre frowned, hunting for words. ``I mean, I love her, I think she's one of the best people I've ever met, but she was almost a caricature with how sweet she was. If she can be anything other than head-over-heels in love with everyone she meets, wouldn't that mean that she's a more complete person, too?''
She tightened her grip around em. ``Thank you, my dear.''
The skunk tensed and carefully scooted an inch or two away from Debarre, gently nudging the weasel's arm from around his waist.
When True Name finished her shower and grooming, looking far more herself than she had since the month before, they sat around the dining table to hash out boundaries.
``Shit, I'm sorry, E.W. I didn't mean to offend.''
``I do not want to impose on you more than I already have,'' she began. ``I will certainly stay out of your private space, and I figure a closed door is a plain enough signal to be left alone. Should I stick to my room for the most part?''
He laughed. A short, sharp bark of a laugh that was more bitter than amused. ``Fuck you, Debarre. Fuck you and how right you are.''
May let out a snort of laughter. ``I am sorry, True Name. I do not mean to laugh, but I have never heard you so deferential in my life.''
Debarre blinked, nonplussed.
The skunk canted her ears back. ``I am in shock, May Then My Name. My coworker of two centuries just tried to kill me. My life's work has been cut off from me. I have been invited to stay with one of the two up-tree instances of mine who dislike me the most, and I have never had to live with anyone before, not since before we uploaded. The offer remains for me to dig my own sim.''
``You are right. It is terrible that she has to hate someone to be more complete, but you are right. However, my love,'' End Waking said, grinning humorlessly. ``That means—that \emph{must} mean—that the same holds true for me, caricature of penance that I am.''
May bowed her head apologetically.
He laid his ears flat, nodding. ``Sorry, E.W.''
``I'd feel better if you stayed,'' Ioan admitted. ``It'd be too easy for you to either disappear into your new sim forever or wind up with another attempt on your life whenever you left.''
``I do not know what a more complete version of myself looks like. I do not know how to attain that. I have no up-tree instances who have led earnestly happy lives to merge down and complement my fundamentally unhappy one. Perhaps that is why May Then My Name's idea rankles. Should I merge down and True Name learn to repent, learn to become more whole, then she will have done so without the work of actually having done so. Should I become happier, then I must work further years.''
May nodded readily. ``You are safer here where no one can act openly against you. It may not be the most comfortable of situations, but I would also prefer that you not die.''
``I dunno, is that true? I mean, yeah, she in her current form won't have done the work of repenting. Her body won't have been the one living out here in the middle of nowhere, but she'll have\ldots when did you last merge down?''
``Good points. Both of you. I would prefer not to die as well.'' She straightened up in her chair and smiled, a hint of that confidence showing through. ``So, to my question. Do you have any thoughts?''
``I do not remember.''
``Closed doors means don't bother, stay out of each others rooms. Cones of silence and secure visual ACLs to be respected,'' ey said, then shrugged. ``But I think that's all obvious stuff. I don't see any reason for you to stay out of common areas, I guess, and I'm fine with you eating with us, too, but I also freely acknowledge that that's me speaking. I don't want you two, uh\ldots{}''
Debarre squinted. ``I don't think it works that way.''
``Fighting and arguing should be avoided, yes,'' True Name said with a slight bow of acknowledgement. ``It is your house, though, and I know that our relationship is fraught. I will defer to May Then My Name, given the power dynamic and social restrict--''
``I do not remember, Debarre,'' End Waking said tiredly. ``Sometime before the first centennial.''
``I promise that I will not try to pull out all of your fur or bounce you so long as you give us space when either of us ask, okay?''
He held up his paws, surrendering the point. ``Then she'll have more than a century's worth of work dumped on her, and she'll be the one who has to process that and try to integrate it. Can you imagine how fucked that'd feel? Can you imagine what she'd become?''
The skunk blinked a few times, then smiled cautiously. ``Understood.''
``Do \emph{you} think I should merge down?'' End Waking growled.
``Wait, that easy?'' Ioan said.
``I don't know, E.W. I really don't. Let's drop it, though, okay? I'm just gonna keep on hurting you if we keep this up, and I \emph{really} don't want that.''
``Not everything need be complicated, my dear. Boundaries are most often found by crossing them. We will have negotiation ahead of us as well, I am sure.'' May shrugged, adding, ``This does not make our relationship any less complicated, but endlessly refining rules ahead of time will only stress all of us out.''
The skunk sighed, nodded, and, after a moment, reached out and took Debarre's paw in his own. ``I am sorry I got so worked up. I do need a break from the topic, though. Thank you, my love.''
``I guess,'' ey mumbled. ``I just don't want you at each other's throats.''
He smiled cautiously and gave that paw a little squeeze.
``If we fight, we fight,'' she said. ``But if we are to be stuck together, then we will fucking get over it and have a civil house, at the very least. I will do all of the exercises Sarah has given me at once if that is what is needed to keep home from becoming unbearable.''
They sat in silence for the rest of the night, then, watching the fire burn low until the skunk put it out. They stripped down for bed and, for the first time in months, climbed into their cot within their tent—theirs at least until the need for solitude struck full force again. They shared their wordless intimacies and then curled together for sleep.
True Name nodded in agreement. ``I will do what I can to keep things comfortable and be out of your hair as soon as this is resolved. We will work it out if one of us gets upset. That includes you, Mx. Bălan. Please voice your concerns when they arise.''
``You know that she will have memories of this, too, my love,'' End Waking murmured.
Ey shook eir head. ``Alright, alright. Only concerns I have right now are taking a shower and a nap, then. I'll trust you two to make things work and will try not to mediate every single little disagreement.''
``Let her,'' he said, yawning. ``You're more complete than you give yourself credit for. If the goal is for her to have some semblance of that, let her.''
``Excellent. About fucking time,'' May said, patting eir hand. ``I will join you for the nap and try to be up for lunch.''
``Naps all around,'' True Name agreed. ``Again, thank you two.''