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-\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}}
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-It took about six hours for True Name to recover from the merge to where she could stand up and walk well enough to get a glass of water. Her expression remained glazed and she was unable to speak. It wasn't until the next morning that she was able to hold a conversation, though she remained quiet and largely confined to her room, refusing the offer of coffee.
+Having sent May Then My Name home with a few extra griddle cakes and then run out of daylight, Debarre and End Waking gave up on any additional work for the day. The tent was livable, if incomplete, and a bit of a break felt nice, anyway. They sat beside each other before the fire and watched the flames, not speaking, simply enjoying the warmth and each other's company.
 
-May spent much of that time by her side. Ey wasn't sure what it was that the two did while in her room, if it was just May sitting by the skunk's side, if she was just being present, if the two were having their own quiet conversations, or sharing what affection she was comfortable sharing with a down-tree instance she had resented enough to shock so severely.
+At least, Debarre enjoyed the warmth and the feeling of his boyfriend beside him. He couldn't tell what End Waking was thinking or feeling. He'd not said a word since wishing his cocladist goodbye and good luck.
 
-All three, ey suspected. Ey checked in on them a few times, knocking and listening for permission to enter. Each time, True Name remained curled in bed with May seated nearby, whether on a chair beside it or sitting up on the bed itself. Ey'd ask if they needed anything, they'd both decline, and then ey'd go back to pacing holes in the rug or the yard or around Arrowhead Lake.
+``Thanks for letting me stay, E.W.''
 
-The rest of the time, May was out with em, almost always as close as she could be, whether that was tucked in against eir side on the beanbag, hugging around eir middle from behind while ey cooked, or, at one point, requesting that ey sit on the floor outside the bathroom while she showered, just so that she could talk and, in her words, feel eir presence.
+``Mm? Of course, my love. I am glad for your help and your company.''
 
-The mood throughout remained somewhere between anxious and remorseful.
+He nodded. Silence fell again. End Waking put another log on the fire.
 
-That evening, True Name requested that they eat dinner out at the lake rather than at home, saying, ``I am feeling too cooped up by walls and yet more walls.''
+``I know that I am a less-than-ideal partner, Debarre. I \emph{do} love you, I promise.''
 
-Ey supposed it made sense, now that she had the competing memories of End Waking and however many personality traits that came with. He had only visited Ioan and May a scant handful of times, and then always out in the yard, refusing to go indoors.
+\emph{Here it comes.} ``Love you too, E.W. Want some space after we're done with the camp?''
 
-So, they packed up a simple dinner of sausages, zucchini, and potatoes to cook and stepped out to the lake.
+``Please,'' the skunk said after a long pause. ``I do not like sending you away, but so much has happened this last week, these last few months\ldots{}''
 
-The tents were still set up and the second bundle of firewood remained untouched, leaning against one of them, so Ioan and May watched as True Name tiredly built and lit the fire. She left them sitting on one of the logs before it, watching the flames go from fast and loud to something quieter and hotter, while she disappeared up the hill into the forest. She returned some time later with a bundle of arm-length sticks, all nearly as straight as dowels, which she built into a spit on which they could roast the sausages while the potatoes baked near the coals of the fire. It was all done with a practiced ease borne from decades of memory.
+He scooted closer to End Waking and slipped an arm around his waist. It was probably more affection than the skunk would have preferred at the moment, but he needed at least something to go with that statement. End Waking seemed to realize this, as well, and although he didn't reciprocate the affection, he did at least relax against Debarre's side.
 
-The food was pleasantly smokey and well cooked, though otherwise unseasoned. True Name remarked on this part way through the meal, saying, ``If you call the food bland again, May Then My Name, I will call you lame again.''
+``What do you suppose they are doing on Artemis?'' End Waking asked, staring at the fire rather than up to the stars.
 
-The humor felt out of place, and certainly went over Ioan's head, but at least it got May smiling again, something she'd not done in more than a day.
+``Hmm? My guess is that everyone's getting settled in by now. All those who went along with have probably dug homes or whatever they call it in the fifthrace area, and some are probably getting pretty good at\ldots uh, \emph{Nanon}, was it?''
 
-``I am pleased that you made it through, my dear,'' May said. ``I will not apologize again, I have done so enough already, but I am pleased all the same.''
+``Did Debarre\#Castor go with?''
 
-``I have grown weary of being apologized to, yes,'' she replied. ``And my feelings on the events remain complicated, but I thank you for thinking of me.''
+``No, actually. He still hasn't told me why, either. He's at least spent quite a bit of time in Convergence. Lots of visiting with Codrin and Dear. Have you heard from them? They've quite a name for themselves there, apparently.''
 
-``I'm glad, too,'' Ioan added, unwilling to let the dinner once more fall into silence. ``How are you feeling otherwise?''
+``Only when Dear writes clade-wide. It and I were never as close as we could have been. It sounds happy, at least, and passes on good stories.''
 
-She shrugged. ``Uncomfortable. Fractured. I have spoken to End Waking only a few times since he requested revocation of his access to our secure materials. I knew that he was upset, but not just how, and not to what extent.'' She sighed, then added, ``And now I am left with that.''
+He laughed. ``I can't imagine anything but, honestly. Any news of the others?''
 
-``Thus `fractured'?''
+``Codrin sounds unhappy, and I cannot quite piece together why.''
 
-``Yes. I must admit that much of my time while down and out was spent struggling to maintain a sense of myself as True Name. Had I simply accepted everything at face value and incautiously, I think I would have gone mad. As it is, I feel perilously close.''
+``Really? Like, with eir new job?''
 
-May sniffled and looked off toward the lake in the deepening evening.
+``Oh, no, ey still seems quite pleased with that from the text, but the subtext is that ey is displeased in some other, more fundamental way. I always get that sense when news includes the topic of Artemis.''
 
-``I understand what you were trying to do, May Then My Name. I understand why you planned that, how you managed to talk us both into it, and what you hoped to get out of it, but \emph{you} must understand that what you did was set two existences within me. One was set on goals that I believed in—\emph{still} believe in—while the other regrets everything that made me me.'' The skunk's voice sounded far more tired than angry, enough to keep May from winding up in tears again, though she did set her food aside. ``I do not think that End Waking believed in anything. His life was spent un-believing that which he was, which we were.''
+``What about Sorina, though? Doesn't ey have connections through her?''
 
-``What does that leave you, now?''
+The skunk shrugged. ``I do not know. These communications are simple family letters or those little quippy snippets that Dear is so fond of. Nothing in depth.''
 
-``I do not know yet, Ioan. It makes me too full of being, of time, to be just one thing. It will likely take me several days to settle into\ldots something. To settle into myself, whatever that now means.''
+Debarre hesitated, unsure of how to broach the question. \emph{No way out but through,} ey thought, saying, ``What about True Name\#Castor? Anything from her?''
 
-They fell into silence again while Ioan and True Name finished their food and May looked down at her paws or into the fire.
+``Not you, too,'' he said with a groan. ``I cannot seem to escape her today, can I?''
 
-``Thank you for joining me out here. I am both glad to be outdoors and intensely uncomfortable sitting on a fucking log,'' she said, smiling tiredly. ``I do not think that I will stay out here. The greater part of me demands a comfortable bed.''
+``Sorry, E.W.''
 
-``Those fucking cots are awful,'' May grumbled, sounding forced in her humor. ``Like a hammock, but far worse.''
+He sighed. ``No, it is okay. If that is what is happening, then that is what is happening, and we are bound to talk about it. One moment, then.''
 
-``I do not think that even End Waking enjoys them, so it is easy enough for the True Name part of me to win out on that subject.''
+There was a long silence from End Waking. Debarre imagined him trudging through exos, reading back through clade communiqués that his down-tree instance over on the LV had sent back.
 
-``What did he-- what do you remember enjoying?'' Ioan asked. ``I want to hear the good things you have, now, too. I feel like we're all tiptoeing around all the bad memories and conflicting feelings. Tell me something good.''
+``She remains herself,'' he said at last. ``I mean truly herself, not the bent and twisted True Name of Lagrange. Competent, confident, in complete control. She strives behind the scenes in both Convergence and the rest of Castor as she always has.''
 
-True Name raised her eyebrows, then let her gaze drift up to the brightening stars. ``I remember teaching myself to hunt, promising myself that I would start small with snares and then work up from there, thinking that I would not let myself eat until I could eat food that I had caught myself. I remember getting so hungry and weak by the third day that I pinged Serene to see if she could help. She laughed and ruffled my fur and called me a dumbass, saying that she had not included fauna because I had not requested it, so of course I did not catch anything. She brought me a hamburger and I ate it so fast I got sick.''
+``\,`Bent and twisted'? I mean, she sounds like she's having a rough time of late, but that bad?''
 
-Ioan and May laughed.
+``This is also subtext, my dear. The True Name of Lagrange no longer writes the same way as the True Name of the LVs. True Name\#Castor is as True Name was back before Launch, and True Name\#Pollux has settled down with Zacharias and sits on the Guiding Council, whatever that is. The one here is\ldots{}'' He frowned, visibly hunting for words. ``She is no longer what she was. She is middle-management. She is overworked and underappreciated. She continues on with her plans, to which I assume she still clings tight, but that comes with a sense of desperation that I cannot otherwise place. She is bent and twisted nearly to the point of fatigue, as when one bends a paperclip until it snaps.''
 
-``I remember each time I decided to cave and bring into the sim something new. I remember deciding that I needed a more efficient way to heat my tent than just relying on my fur and camp blankets, and then creating the stove. I remember getting so sick of just meat and what few vegetables I could grow at the time and deciding that I would need something like bread or tack for the calories. I remember learning about how hard it was to actually carve a bow and work with metal to create knives and axes, and I remember how it felt to bring each one into existence, a little bit of failure to accomplish a little bit of triumph.
+``Is that why you think May Then My Name wants you to merge down?''
 
-``I remember the eighth or ninth winter out there, when the cold started to feel less terrifying because I knew what to do. I remember waking up one morning fucking freezing, building the fire back up, and shivering in front of it, then laughing for the sheer joy of it. The joy of bundling up, the joy of the air burning inside my nostrils, the joy of discomfort.''
+``To break her, you mean?''
 
-Ioan listened, entranced. The cadence of her speech had changed. It still had that well-spoken and dramatic air to it, still held the lack of contractions and all the small doublings-back and anaphora that seemed to come with being an Odist, but it was also more austere than it had been. Less purely functional and more cerebral, perhaps.
+Debarre nodded.
 
-``I remember the first time I went a year without seeing anyone, then the first time I went two. That was terrifying. I was sure that I was losing my grip on reality. I decided to make sure that I talked to someone at least once every few months after that to keep myself grounded. I remember when the Artemisians arrived and you two brought your play over, and being utterly delighted at all of the subtle ways you found to insult each other.''
+``Perhaps, yes. She shared more with me before she arrived and I do\ldots I do see the reasoning behind her request. What that actually means to her, however, I am not sure. Does she want to shock True Name into becoming whatever she considers a real person? Does she want to break her out of rigidity and make her more complete? Does she want her to move beyond whatever this unspeakable atrocity is through force alone? I do not know.''
 
-May grinned and elbowed em in the side. ``That one was Ioan's fault.''
+``Maybe just hurt her without killing her,'' he added.
 
-True Name smiled and nodded. ``You should be pleased with it, my dear. Oh, and I remember tasting whiskey for the first time in years and being surprised at how much it burned. A Finger Pointing's offer to bring a case over was quite tempting. It reminded me that I love the surprise that comes with forgetting things, or at least as close as we can get. The taste of liquor had fallen way back in my mind, and the feeling of the burn of whiskey sent it rocketing right back up to the top.''
+End Waking looked at him sharply, then subsided. ``Also a possibility. Had you suggested that a decade ago, I would have been quite upset, because I do not think that who May Then My Name used to be could possibly have been so vengeful, but I am not sure that that is the case anymore.''
 
-``That doesn't sound so bad,'' Ioan said, smiling.
+``Is that such a bad thing, though?'' Debarre frowned, considering his next words carefully. ``I mean, I love her, I think she's one of the best people I've ever met, but she was almost a caricature with how sweet she was. If she can be anything other than head-over-heels in love with everyone she meets, wouldn't that mean that she's a more complete person, too?''
 
-``It is not all unpleasant, not by a long shot. As much as I worked to keep my sense of self while integrating, I was also struck by wonder, and for that, I am grateful.''
+The skunk tensed and carefully scooted an inch or two away from Debarre, gently nudging the weasel's arm from around his waist.
 
-``Was the merge a net-positive thing?''
+``Shit, I'm sorry, E.W. I didn't mean to offend.''
 
-She laughed. ``I cannot possibly know that, Ioan. I suspect there is no net value, or indeed any value, to be placed on simply having those memories. It will make my life more difficult or it will not, but I do not think it will make it better or worse. I will be what I am to become.''
+He laughed. A short, sharp bark of a laugh that was more bitter than amused. ``Fuck you, Debarre. Fuck you and how right you are.''
 
-Ey nodded.
+Debarre blinked, nonplussed.
 
-``But, May Then My Name?''
+``You are right. It is terrible that she has to hate someone to be more complete, but you are right. However, my love,'' End Waking said, grinning humorlessly. ``That means—that \emph{must} mean—that the same holds true for me, caricature of penance that I am.''
 
-The skunk looked nervously at her cocladist, as though worried of some reprisal. ``Yes?''
+He laid his ears flat, nodding. ``Sorry, E.W.''
 
-``Thank you for thinking of me.''
+``I do not know what a more complete version of myself looks like. I do not know how to attain that. I have no up-tree instances who have led earnestly happy lives to merge down and complement my fundamentally unhappy one. Perhaps that is why May Then My Name's idea rankles. Should I merge down and True Name learn to repent, learn to become more whole, then she will have done so without the work of actually having done so. Should I become happier, then I must work further years.''
 
-May only nodded, swallowing back tears.
+``I dunno, is that true? I mean, yeah, she in her current form won't have done the work of repenting. Her body won't have been the one living out here in the middle of nowhere, but she'll have\ldots when did you last merge down?''
 
-``I remember a few days ago, too. I remember when you came to the forest, remember watching, awkwardly, while you cried on Debarre's shoulder after I told you about\ldots well, after we spoke. I remember hearing about all of your hatred over the years, about the resentment that you still have for me. I remember how it was that you talked me into this, how helpless I was before it. I remember all of it.''
+``I do not remember.''
 
-There was no more holding back the tears at that, though she did her best to cry silently.
+Debarre squinted. ``I don't think it works that way.''
 
-True Name smiled more kindly than she had yet that night. ``But still, you thought of me. `I do not want her to die', you said. You said that you do not know why you still care about me, and you said that to your cocladist perhaps not yet knowing that I would have that memory as well. You two are both meddlesome brats, but thank you for thinking of me.''
+``I do not remember, Debarre,'' End Waking said tiredly. ``Sometime before the first centennial.''
 
-May tucked closer against Ioan's side and buried her face in eir shirt to cry, making a rude gesture at her down-tree instance before hugging her arms around eir waist.
+He held up his paws, surrendering the point. ``Then she'll have more than a century's worth of work dumped on her, and she'll be the one who has to process that and try to integrate it. Can you imagine how fucked that'd feel? Can you imagine what she'd become?''
 
-``I think that means `no problem','' ey said. ``But I don't speak skunk all that-- ow! She bit me!''
+``Do \emph{you} think I should merge down?'' End Waking growled.
 
-True Name laughed. ``It is no less than you deserve, I am sure. But come, once you are able to, let us walk to the rock at the end of the lake. I want to see the stars before we head back.''
+``I don't know, E.W. I really don't. Let's drop it, though, okay? I'm just gonna keep on hurting you if we keep this up, and I \emph{really} don't want that.''
+
+The skunk sighed, nodded, and, after a moment, reached out and took Debarre's paw in his own. ``I am sorry I got so worked up. I do need a break from the topic, though. Thank you, my love.''
+
+He smiled cautiously and gave that paw a little squeeze.
+
+They sat in silence for the rest of the night, then, watching the fire burn low until the skunk put it out. They stripped down for bed and, for the first time in months, climbed into their cot within their tent—theirs at least until the need for solitude struck full force again. They shared their wordless intimacies and then curled together for sleep.
+
+``You know that she will have memories of this, too, my love,'' End Waking murmured.
+
+``Let her,'' he said, yawning. ``You're more complete than you give yourself credit for. If the goal is for her to have some semblance of that, let her.''