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+\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}}
+\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{}
 
-What levity the night had gained slowly faded when they returned home. True Name explained that she had barely slept the night previous and needed to do so urgently, and as soon as the door shut behind her, May's shoulders sagged and she dragged em off to the bedroom. It was still early for them to be going to sleep, but then, ey was certainly tired enough.
+With May out of the house and True Name doing\ldots well, whatever it was that she did in her room by herself, Ioan was left emotionally and intellectually stalled out, stuck by emself in an empty den. Ey sat for a while on the couch, staring out into the slowly melting snow on the deck and ruminating. Then, giving in to the urge to pace, ey slipped on the boots ey kept for just such occasions and slowly tramped a ring around the outer edge of the yard, first reveling in the crunch of the icy top layer of the snow, then the sweat ey worked up when, on the third lap, the snow began to drag at eir feet, and then finally the solidity of the uneven path ey'd worn down into the snow, a marker of energy spent.
 
-They settled into bed, not talking, just resting forehead-to-forehead while ey pet through May's soft fur. There didn't seem to be anything that either of them needed to say, or if there was, not yet something they could.
+The pacing gave em time and space. It let eir emotions spool out into nothingness while eir thoughts were left crunched beneath the treads of eir boots. Ey didn't know what ey thought about. Ey didn't know what ey felt. Ey just walked.
 
-Eventually, though, they shifted to their usual spots, May tucked back against eir front, and slept straight through until morning.
+Ey knew that, at one point, ey wondered if eir command to mirror the back yard for True Name's room meant that it made a new back yard or whether it just mirrored the view out the window. If it were the latter, would she be watching em? Would she be wondering why ey walked? Would she scoff? Would she wish for a way to crush her own worries down into the ice?
 
-Ey woke to the quiet sounds of True Name rustling around in the kitchen, mugs being pulled down from the shelves. Ey grumbled, wondering why she hadn't thought to set up a cone of silence, then realized she'd almost certainly left it off intentionally as a subtle way to let them know that she was up. With her memories from End Waking, she almost certainly could be quieter than any of them.
+And then the train of thought was gone, lost amid some whorl in the steam of eir breath.
 
-Ey carefully slid out of bed, tucking the covers back over May to let her continue to doze.
+An hour's walking gained em sore hips, a sweat-soaked shirt, and a well-trod trail around the outside of the yard.
 
-``Good morning,'' True Name said quietly, bowing to em and holding out a mug of coffee. ``Black, yes?''
+``Fucking cold,'' ey grumbled, stomping the lingering snow off eir boots and the hems of eir slacks on the way up the stairs to the balcony. Ey kicked the boots off outside the door and shuffled inside. Ey could fork emself warm and dry, sure, but why do that when there was a perfectly good shower right there?
 
-``Morning,'' ey said, accepting the coffee with a nod of thanks. ``Caught up on sleep?''
+So, ey lingered under the hot water for fifteen minutes, and instead of whorls of breath, the crunch of ice, the nothingness of slate-gray skies, eir thoughts and emotions dribbled down eir face in rivulets of water, swirled once, twice, disappeared down the drain.
 
-She shrugged. ``A little, perhaps. Unnerving dreams, unnerving memories coming to the fore.''
+\emph{Dissociating,} ey thought, laughed to no one.
 
-``Hopefully that lessens over time.''
+Brushed eir hair. Stared, unseeing, at emself in the mirror. Dressed in clean clothes—sweater vest? Sweater vest—and wound up sitting on the couch once more.
 
-``It should, yes. It is already less overwhelming than it was yesterday afternoon.'' She shook her head. ``But I am sure you are tired of that topic after the last few days. How about you, my dear? Did you sleep well?''
+True Name peeked out of her room and bowed to em from just outside her door. The sound of the door and the movement out of the corner of eir eye startled em back to reality. ``Sorry, True Name. Everything okay?''
 
-``Well enough, I guess. I certainly needed it.''
+``Yes, thank you, Mx. Bălan.'' She smiled apologetically—such a strange look on her. ``I am not the greatest of cooks, but would you like me to make dinner tonight? I do not believe May Then My Name will be joining us, and it is getting dark.''
 
-``Coffee,'' May mumbled, stumbling out of the bedroom, looking disheveled. ``You did not bring me coffee.''
+``Huh?'' Ey whirled back around toward the picture windows and frowned. Sure enough, it was dimming into evening already. ``Oh, well, sure, I guess. I'm sure whatever you make will be fine. Sorry I'm so spacey.''
 
-Ioan snorted and shook eir head. ``I just got up, too, May. I've barely had a sip, myself.''
+The skunk padded into the kitchen and waved the apology away with a paw. ``You are fine, my dear. You are allowed to space out. It has been a dramatic few days, so I do not blame you. Can you please grant me ACLs enough to create ingredients?''
 
-``No excuses, only coffee.''
+After a pause to will it so, ey nodded. ``Sure, should be good now.''
 
-``It is on the counter, May Then My Name. I promise I did not leave you out.''
+``Thank you.''
 
-The skunk mumbled her thanks and retrieved her mug, lapping groggily.
+Ey felt strange staring out into the yard—the opposite direction of the kitchen—while True Name cooked, so ey grabbed a notebook and moved to the dining table where, should ey be able to pull eir thoughts together, ey could write, and if ey couldn't, ey could at least talk with the skunk without twisting around in eir seat.
 
-As if on some hidden signal, they moved to the dining table to focus on waking up, all apparently too tired to do much else.
+Ey could not, it turned out. Ey flopped the notebook shut again and leaned back in eir chair. ``What're you cooking?''
 
-It was True Name who finally broke the silence, speaking quietly, more down to her mug than anything. ``I find myself caught off-guard by the sudden ending of the merge. I have never experienced that with any other merger. Perhaps it is down to individuation.''
+``Chicken\ldots rice\ldots stuff. It is college food.''
 
-``How do you mean?''
+Ey laughed. ``Right, I'm familiar. Sounds good. Certainly cold enough out there.''
 
-``I remember going to sleep here, but I also remember going to sleep with Debarre in my arms. I remember waking up with him, working with him through the day, even while I remember us talking to each other, and then I remember your message, May Then My Name, and then everything stops.''
+``Of course, yes. May Then My Name would have the same recipe, would she not?'' The skunk clattered about for a few more minutes, and then, apparently satisfied, leaned back on the counter behind the stove. ``I do not understand your affection for the weather, but I am happy to make warm things while it is about.''
 
-May's ears flicked back and she ducked her snout, looking abashed. ``I did not think of that. I am sorry. I will apologize to them as well.''
+``Hopeless romanticism, I guess,'' ey said. ``But whatever. Are you feeling better?''
 
-True Name lifted her gaze and smiled faintly to May. ``I do not think you need to worry too much, my dear. We-- they discussed it a few nights ago. It was something of a shock to be used to sleeping alone and also to not have someone in bed with me.
+True Name shrugged, eyes locked in a glassy stare out the windows. ``I do not know if better is the correct word. I feel lighter, perhaps, having said what I did to May Then My Name. Conflicted, as well, that I feel lighter and yet she feel the burden of knowledge heavy enough to need to step away. For that, I apologize.''
 
-``I think May would explode without someone in bed with her,'' Ioan said, hoping to keep the mood light.
+Ey nodded. ``She sent me a few brief pings. She's with End Waking and Debarre at the moment. No clue when she'll be back.''
 
-``It is not \emph{not} true. I do not sleep well alone.''
+``I am pleased to hear that she is safe.''
 
-``I have not experienced a relationship as True Name in\ldots some years. Even then we slept in separate beds.''
+``Now that you've had some space from it, can you tell me any more about what you told her that set her off?''
 
-May's grip on her coffee mug tightened and she slouched down further in her seat.
+``I am not ready to get deep into it, Ioan, I hope you understand.''
 
-``I didn't know you were in a relationship,'' Ioan said. ``Did you, uh\ldots well, I mean, is that what you two talked about a few days back?''
+``Of course. I'm just worried. I guess. Did it have to do with her specifically?''
 
-Both skunks nodded.
+She didn't respond. The skunk's gaze never wavered. Her posture remained relaxed and comfortable, and for that, ey felt all the more anxious.
 
-``I don't mean to pry,'' ey added. ``Sorry if it's too personal.''
+``Well, maybe you can tell me what spurred the conversation?''
 
-After a long silence, True Name sighed. ``No, I think you will eventually learn about it anyway.'' When May's ears flattened, she hastened to add, ``At least in part.''
+``Right, yes,'' she said, deflating somewhat with a sigh. ``What do you believe, Ioan?''
 
-Ey stayed quiet. Ey wasn't sure how much to push or back off, whether or not there was some boundary ey should be aware of. It seemed more complex than simply keeping the relationship secret.
+``Excuse me?''
 
-``I met a young fox some centuries back.'' The skunk spoke slowly and carefully. ``Red fox, that is, rather than a fennec like Dear. Furries tend to clump together, and I suppose I am no exception. We quickly became friends, then trusted confidants, and then occasional lovers. I did not let us become more than that. There was romance between us, but I was not comfortable becoming romantically entangled in my position.''
+``What do you believe? You do not strike me as religious, but surely you believe in something. The sanctity of life? Love? Art?''
 
-``That makes sense. I don't know why I thought that wouldn't be the case, actually.''
+Ey sat up straighter, frowning at her. ``That's a surprisingly difficult question to answer.''
 
-``I have said in the past that you two—that all of those in the clade who have formed lasting romantic relationships—have done something I was never able to,'' she said. ``That remains true. Zacharias and I never quite rose to the level of relationship. Lovers, yes, and perhaps even in love, but never partners. It was always in private, always alone. I had an image to maintain, and that did not include having a boyfriend.''
+``It is not at all surprising. It is easy to provide a noun and say that one believes in that. The irreversibility of time, perhaps? Your cocladist and Dear spoke to that in the \emph{History}.''
 
-``Did you want one?''
+The conversation was taking a decidedly Odist turn. Coming at the topic sideways, grand statements that came tinged with a sense of awe. They all seemed prone to falling into the style of speaking and ey fell for it every time. ``Mmhm. Several times.''
 
-``Pardon?''
+``But what does it mean to believe in something like that? Or the sanctity of life or love or art? Or God, for that matter? `Belief' as a word is a stand-in for a concept so broad as to be intimidating or impossible. One may say as Blake did, `For everything that lives is holy', but encompassing that within one's mind is truly terrifying.'' She finally broke her thousand-yard stare out the window and smiled faintly to em. ``Still, I believe in what I do, Ioan. Really, \emph{truly} believe. I feel called. I feel led. I am good at it. I wake up thinking about it, spend my day working with it, and fall asleep thinking yet more about it. We have an existence which is fundamentally different from that of phys-side, and I cannot put into words how much I love that. It is more than a want, I have a need so integral to my being for it to continue that I would not be True Name without it, and I love being True Name.''
 
-Realizing the sensitive nature of the question, ey held up eir hands. ``Sorry, I asked that without thinking. I was wondering if you wanted a partner, even if you felt your image wouldn't allow that.''
+``But now\ldots{}''
 
-Another long silence followed before she spoke again. ``Had you asked me that prior to the merge, I do not think I would have been comfortable answering, but in the context of the memories I now share of Debarre, I think that has changed into a solid `I do not know'. I do not know if I wanted a partner, because it was more important for me to stay true to my goals than it was for me to think about love, on some subconscious level.''
+``Yes, `but now'. But now I am stuck in an impossible limbo built by Jonas. My entire existence these last two hundred years has been defined by a belief that I thought Jonas and I shared, and in a few minutes, he tore it to the ground, burnt the pieces to ash, and then ground the ash beneath his heel.'' She laughed and shook her head. ``So melodramatic, is it not? But that is how it feels to have one's belief turned hollow and stale.''
 
-Ey finished eir coffee and toyed with the empty mug, rotating it first this way and then that on the table while ey thought. Eventually, the two skunks fell into quiet, polite conversation, talking about something ey was too distracted to think about.
+``Do you overflow?''
 
-They both agreed to more coffee, so ey tasked emself with making another pot, hoping that breaking out of the context would give em more room to think.
+The skunk had lifted the lid of the pot of rice to stir. If it was anything at all how May cooked it, it was a stiff rice porridge made with chicken stock, cheese stirred in at the last minute—`poor skunk's risotto', she called it. She seemed keen to use her time cooking to think, so ey waited in silence.
 
-That True Name felt such a strong need to maintain her image was more than a little alien to em. However, when it came to her not knowing whether or not she wanted a partner, ey felt an almost unnerving level of concordance with eir own life prior to first meeting the Odists, and perhaps even prior to meeting May, years later. Ey did not have an image to maintain or goals to reach for, simply a lack of social awareness that kept em from remembering that having a partner was even a thing that ey could do. Ey and True Name always seemed to have something that kept them from thinking about love until something—May for em and this merge (or perhaps even this conversation) for True Name—suddenly forced the issue.
+``I do. More frequently and in much shorter bursts,'' she said, finally. ``Every few days, I will walk sims and I will get lost. Well and truly lost. Dear loses control of its tightly directed energy, May Then My Name loses control of that wellspring of love within her, and I lose control of my sense of control.''
 
-Ey didn't know what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May, with all her love, might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged itself firmly in place. They'd talked about how each of the three skunks were good people some nights back, but in the face of the last two days, ey couldn't think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A lingering need to force her to experience her own resentment? Or to feel that love? A desire to help her become a better person, whatever that meant? A fit of pique?
+``Really? Every few days? Is that because you're stretched so thin with all your forks?''
 
-Or, no, that wasn't it. It all fell back to the same problem that had been at the forefront of eir mind for months now: that need to fix things. Ey worried that May might merge down with True Name to make her feel better not necessarily because that's something she might want to do, but because, in the wake of the most recent merge, it's all ey emself could think to do in order to fix this friction.
+She shook her head and, deeming the rice to be done, slid it off the heat. ``I started walking in 2124, my dear. A few years before May Then My Name was forked, back when it cost too much to be so cavalier with forking. It is not so dramatic as your partner's.''
 
-So silly. It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking, seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought.
+Ey nodded. ``Were you overflowing earlier today?''
 
-``Ioan?''
+She chopped the chicken breasts she'd sauteed into strips, focusing on the task, then on plating up the food, before responding. ``Perhaps, Ioan. Perhaps.''
 
-Ey started out of eir rumination. ``Mm? Sorry. Was I mumbling?''
+They ate in silence, then. It was interesting picking apart the way the two skunks' recipes had diverged over the years. True Name's was spicier, May's more savory and with more vegetables.
 
-May grinned. ``A little, but also you have been standing there for quite a while and you promised us coffee.''
+They made it most of the way through the meal before they were alerted to May's arrival by the sim's sensorium ping.
 
-``Oh! Shit, I'm sorry.'' Ey laughed as best ey could to banish any look of the panic ey felt from eir face. Ey brought the pot of coffee over to the table along with the cream and sugar for May and True Name so that they could top up their mugs accordingly.
+Ioan set down eir fork and slid out of eir chair to greet her as she stepped out of the entryway. Ey was pleased to see her face washed of tears and expression washed of distress. She looked tired, to be sure, but no longer ready to murder someone.
 
-Ey drifted in and out of the present moment after that, surfacing now and then to do a bit of work or, at one point, to run another sweep of the house at the behest of True Name in case they'd brought any hitchhikers with them. They hadn't, but it was probably a good idea all the same.
+``I brought gifts, my dear. I do not know if--'' She paused as she caught sight of True Name.
 
-The relatively pleasant morning fell again into a vague sense of tension within the house. Ey was sure that ey was the cause of at least a part of it, what with the way May kept checking in on em.
+The other skunk had also stood and was bowing deeply to her up-tree instance. ``May Then My Name, I apolog--\emph{hrk!}''
 
-The rest seemed to fall back to True Name, though, who, after coffee, had sagged in her chair and mentioned that she'd been holding some demanding memories at bay. ``I need to deal with these or I am sure I will unravel like Michelle,'' she had mumbled on the way to her room, leading May to put down her work and curl up on the beanbag.
+May pressed the waxed cotton-wrapped parcel into Ioan's hands and bounded over to True Name, shoving her out of her bow in order to get her arms around her for an awkward hug. ``That is for what happened,'' she said, then socked her solidly on the shoulder. ``And that is for how you told me.''
 
-Ey joined her, despite all of the distractions whirling around in eir head. Ey couldn't sort any of them out now, but the least ey could do was comfort eir partner.
+True Name stumbled back from the greeting, blinking rapidly and rubbing at her arm. She looked as baffled as ey felt. Watching May interact with True Name these last few days had been something of a roller coaster, whether it was the abject fury ey saw within her whenever the topic of her cocladist's goals—or perhaps calling—came up or the strange protectiveness that had led her to offer their home to her. Those were stressful enough; this was overwhelming.
 
-\emph{All that crying these last few days, I wouldn't be surprised if she overflows soon,} ey thought while petting over her ears, a pang in eir chest. \emph{And who knows how that'll work with True Name.}
+Ey shuffled back to the table, slid the packet onto it, and fell heavily into eir chair. ``What just happened?''
 
-A simple dinner of pasta, more polite conversation, and then they broke off to their own spaces again, True Name requesting the location tag for Arrowhead Lake so that she could go for a walk ``somewhere with fewer right-angles''.
+May laughed and dotted her nose against eir cheek before settling down into her usual seat. ``I am sorry that that was weird, and I am sorry that I ran away earlier. I was able to get a lot off my chest, and I feel much better for it. Oh, you did eat! That is okay, I did too, but I think these may make good dessert.''
 
-It wasn't until they were getting ready for bed that ey pulled eir thoughts together into a coherent enough form to ask May the question that had been nagging at em all day.
+May's nearly manic tone and the tension in her cheeks showed something deeper going on beneath the surface, but given her chatter and the still-shocked look on True Name's face, this didn't seem to be the time to ask.
 
-``Do you think you'll merge down, May?''
+``May Then My Name, I know that I--''
 
-The skunk paused in the middle of tugging off her shirt, leaving just her snout-tip and midriff exposed. ``Let me think on that for a moment, please.''
+``If you talk about earlier, I will hire Guōweī myself,'' May interrupted sweetly. ``I promise that there will be time to talk about it soon, but for now, I need something else, alright?''
 
-They both finished undressing and climbed into bed, em settling back against the pillows and her with her head on eir chest.
+``Of course,'' True Name said, frowning. ``In that case, what is in the package?''
 
-``Okay. Now, why do you ask, my dear?''
+``End Waking made these corn\ldots pancake\ldots things. Fritter cakes? Something like that. They were savory, but they might go well with honey as a sort of dessert. There are only two, but we can split them.''
 
-Ey hesitated. The origin of the train of thought felt impertinent, incomplete, perhaps solely on em. ``I'm not actually sure,'' ey said, fumbling for words. ``Maybe a little because you had a hand in End Waking merging down, but I think mostly the talk this morning about Debarre and, uh\ldots Zacharias, was it?''
+Ioan and True Name exchanged a glance, then watched as May unwrapped the griddle cakes and swiped a pot of honey into being beside them. She broke off a piece, drizzled honey on it, and ate it.
 
-She nodded.
+``Well?'' ey asked.
 
-``I think that made me think of it because until this point, it's all been happening at one layer of remove for me. She's my friend and I like her as such, but she's not my cocladist or family. I'm not in a relationship with her. None of this has been happening with her as someone I'm super close to.''
+``It is fine. I do not know that it is a dessert. Have you ever had chicken and waffles, my dear?''
 
-``But if I merge down, she will remember having been in a relationship with you. You will be more directly involved.''
+Ey shook eir head, reaching for a piece of the (slightly soggy) cake and the pot of honey.
 
-``Yeah.''
+``It is not that, but it reminds me of it. Savory and meaty but also sweet and bready.''
 
-They lay in silence for a bit. Ey didn't know what May was thinking about, but ey kept cycling over just how much ey and eir partner had shared over the last few months alone, all those little bits of affection and physicality when True Name had expressed on more than one occasion that such simply wasn't for her, all the private conversations they'd shared with the understanding that they'd remain such, all the little nothing moments that go into being in love.
+Ey frowned as ey chewed on the morsel. Ey could see it being truly delicious if it had not been cooked in venison grease specifically. The gaminess made it a strange mix.
 
-``I will admit that I had been considering it,'' she said, then lifted her snout to dot her nose on the underside of eir chin. ``But after the last few days and coming to terms with what that would actually mean for her, I am feeling much more cautious about the prospect.''
+``Good, but not great,'' was True Name's assessment, to which May nodded vigorously.
 
-``Okay,'' ey said carefully, not wanting to jostle her snout too much. ``Can we make sure to talk about it more if you do decide to?''
+They finished the griddle cakes all the same, keeping up the banal chatter. It felt good, ey realized, to talk about nothing. Day after day of serious talks had worn on em more than ey realized, and ey made a silent note to thank May later for forcing them into something more pleasant. The greeting she'd given True Name was weird, but it definitely broke the suspense that had dogged them all week.
 
-``Of course, my dear. You and I never shut up.''
+After dinner, ey cleaned up the dishes by hand while True Name went back to her room and May settled onto her beanbag, getting a thoughtful look on her face that usually meant she was working mentally.
 
-``Mmhm, best that way,'' ey murmured, then added more seriously, ``I mean the three of us, though.''
+Once ey was finished, ey settled down beside the skunk, letting her squirm in next to em and get an arm around eir middle. Ey blinked a cone of silence into being over them. ``It's good to have you back,'' ey said, hugging around her shoulders. ``What was that all about?''
 
-``We will, Ioan. It would be unfair to all of us not to.'' May lowered her snout again and tightened her grip around eir middle. ``Do you want me not to? You are allowed to say yes.''
+She snagged eir free hand and put it atop her head. A clearer demand for pets there was not. ``Mm? You mean me being a chipper ditz?''
 
-Ey sighed and placed a kiss atop her head. ``I don't know. I need way more time to think on it.''
+Ey laughed, stroking over her ears. ``Well, I was going to ask about the hug, mostly. My guess about you being chipper was to get us to finally talk about something light rather than yet more intense or depressing stuff.''
 
-She nodded. ``I will give you all the time in the world.''
+``You are right on that one, yes,'' she mumbled. ``We doubtless have more heavy shit to talk about, but I spent hours crying today, and if we did not break out of that cycle, I would have spent yet more in tears.''
 
-``Thanks, May.''
+``I won't bring it up, then.''
 
-They settled in for sleep, letting the topic drop and trusting that there would be time enough to discuss it, focusing instead on closeness and comfort.
+``Good.'' She poked em in the belly, then went back to her hug. ``Though as to the greeting, I meant it when I said I got a lot off of my chest. I spent a lot of time thinking and a lot of time talking to End Waking and Debarre, and I have some ideas for moving forward.''
 
-``Ioan?''
+``Oh?''
 
-``Mm?'' Ey'd nearly dozed off, and sleep was still tugging at em.
-
-``I love you. You know that, right?''
-
-``'Course I do, \emph{sconcsul meu}. I love you too.''
-
-That, at least, was a pleasant note to fall asleep to, one for pleasant dreams.
+She shook her head beneath eir hand and tightened her grip around em. ``I do not want to discuss them now. I am tired and cried out and you are comfortable and good to me.''