Updates with 2023/2024 edits

mitzvot/content/020.tex

@@ -1,178 +1,213 @@
 \begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center}
-\pagebreak
 
-While True Name continued to integrate the merge more and more fully—or, as she put it, became more whatever her new self was meant to be—and she spent less time taken by long silences or the need to go lay down in the quiet for some lingering conflict, her mood nonetheless continued to decline. Those moments of easy conversation came further and further apart, and while the skunk remained as polite as could be, she also bowed out of nearly every topic other than the food, the weather, and only the most surface-level details of how she was feeling. \emph{I am not comfortable talking about that now} became her constant refrain.
+The next few days passed in relative peace. There were no fights between the two skunks, and while, at least once a day, they set up a cone of silence to talk about whatever it was that True Name had discussed that first time, there were no more instances of May falling apart or True Name wearing herself out quite so badly. The discussions sounded serious, and never quite friendly, but ey was at least somewhat happy to see the two talking without quite so much ire between them.
 
-Though neither Ioan nor May were necessarily happy for this change, it meant that they \emph{had} to stop talking about all these dire topics. It forced them to take a step back as well, and at least try to get some work done. Given all that had happened, no one was comfortable with them continuing to perform, least of all A Finger Pointing, so they were removed from the bill for the time being, with either their roles replaced or their shows canceled.
+May wasn't the only one, either. At one point, Time Is A Finger Pointing At Itself and one of her up-tree instances, Where It Watches The Slow Hours Progress visited to talk with True Name. Both were far more earnest in their affection toward her, which she seemed to welcome with a sense of cautious relief. Ey supposed it made sense, given A Finger Pointing's habit of making friends with everyone she could.
 
-And there was still work to be done. May still had her monologue, which she tried taking in a few different directions, some of which worked well and some less so. Ioan coached her in writing as best ey could, talking her down from fits of perfectionism that left her threatening to tear the whole thing up.
+Ey'd only met Slow Hours once prior and, while she was just as friendly as her down-tree instance, she also seemed somewhat removed from the world as a whole, as though seeing just a little more than everyone around her. ``Clairvoyance,'' A Finger Pointing had whispered to em after that first introduction. ``She has the outline of the world.''
 
-For eir part, ey still had a few projects on eir plate, not least of which was the upcoming book project that had been requested by Jonas. Ey poked at this every now and then, outlining the events to date and throwing a few thousand words at it here and there.
+They talked for nearly three hours that afternoon, breaking only to get more water part way through. When they were finished, True Name looked wrung out, though not unhappy. A Finger Pointing mostly looked confused and concerned while Slow Hours kept her faraway, nearly delphic smile. Both were patterned after the human Michelle rather than the skunk Sasha, lending an additional layer of uncanniness in their similarities to May and True Name, even across species.
 
-Mostly, though, ey dealt in letters to and from the other members of eir clade. Vast, dramatic events were happening elsewhere—as they always seemed to when an Odist was involved—and ey couldn't simply put them away to deal with all that was going on at home. The break from dealing with the affairs of True Name and Jonas was a welcome one.
+Curiouser and curiouser. Ey'd always pictured A Finger Pointing's stanza as one of the more liberal ones, and had early on noticed that the liberal Odists had largely distanced themselves from the more conservative ones. To have two of them specifically drop by to visit True Name was quite surprising.
 
-The one conversation of note came on the fourth day after the merge, when the skunk asked, ``How did you two get together?''
+The most curious thing, though, had to be May.
 
-Both Ioan and May had stared at her until she held up her paws.
+It wasn't just that all the work she'd put into her feelings about her cocladist had seemingly paid off—other than a few tense moments, mostly silent, she was at worst distant and at best willing to hold conversations with True Name about a limited set of topics—but that even in those tensest moments, she seemed to at least want to do something. Whether it was out of an earnest desire to improve True Name's life or to simply get this situation over with seemed to vary depending on her mood.
 
-``Other than the forces behind the scenes, I mean.''
+It was her discussions with End Waking that really knocked em off-kilter, though. Her visits to his forest sim came at least once a day, and it wasn't until the fourth that she was willing to share anything about their conversations.
 
-``From my point of view,'' Ioan said, guessing at the meaning behind her question. ``it just kind of happened over the course of a few years. May was her usual affectionate self, and we just wound up building patterns around that that turned us from coworkers to friends to partners.''
+``Wait, what? End Waking wants to merge down? I can't even imagine that.''
 
-``There was no culmination? No decision?''
+``That is what we have been talking about, yes. I shared\ldots I mean, I told him what she told me, and it has changed things.''
 
-``Not really. I just realized one day that we were probably together and asked if we were.''
+``Are you sure that's even a good idea?'' ey asked. ``I mean, won't that just make her feel worse if she also has to deal with all of that regret?''
 
-``It was the day ey interviewed you for the first time,'' May said, trying to hide a smile. ``I told em it was the dumbest fucking question of the entire project. We agreed we had probably been in a relationship for months before that.''
+May fiddled with the corner of the top sheet. They'd sat up in bed, the topic not feeling quite right for pillow-talk. ``Possibly, yes. I do not think that it would be permanently detrimental. If she has a fuller view of the world, perhaps she will be better able to engage with it with empathy.''
 
-True Name nodded, expression more thoughtful than amused. ``Is that how you move in the world, May Then My Name?''
+Ey held eir gaze steady, frowning. ``I don't think you're giving her enough credit on the empathy front.''
 
-The skunk hesitated, gaze drifting away from her cocladist. ``Ask another question, my dear,'' she said eventually.
+She clutched the sheet tightly in her fists, visibly counting to ten, then sighed. ``Yes. You are right, Ioan. I am primed to see less in her than you, I think.
 
-``Of course.'' True Name gave a hint of a bow. ``You changed in order to accommodate being in a relationship, Ioan. How?''
+``I know, May, I'm sorry,'' ey said, shaking eir head. ``I know it's complicated.''
 
-``Are you asking what about me changed, or what I did to change?'' ey asked, frowning. ``Because I don't think I had any conscious control over it.''
+She smiled gratefully. ``Thank you, my dear. Let me rephrase and say that having that additional perspective will give her new tools to engage with the world.''
 
-``What you changed, yes. May Then My Name could answer the other question, perhaps uniquely so among all those who we know.''
+``Right, that I can see. Given what all has been going on, I'm pretty sure I agree, too, so long as it's consensual between the two of them. I just worry that now's not a good time for it. If she's distracted processing all that when she's supposed to be thinking about what to do about Jonas, won't that put her at a disadvantage?''
 
-The skunk only shrugged.
+``I suppose,'' she mumbled, then smiled lopsidedly to em. ``But we have time, yes? Jonas said within the year, and I imagine\linebreak~it will take us at least a month to convince End Waking to join as requested.''
 
-``Well, I think the events with Qoheleth got me thinking about existence here on the System. My own, sure, but in general. Prior to that, I think I lived my life solely as an observer of others. I'd watch people and write what they did and turn it into a story, and I was just kind of\ldots I don't know. Transparent?'' Ey shrugged. ``I was just a pair of glasses to be used by others. I relied heavily on memory to do my job, though, and it wasn't until that was specifically called out and brought into question that I started thinking of myself as more than an observer, which then got me thinking about how I interact with those around me. That's where Codrin came from, I think.''
+Ey sighed. ``I don't know if that's necessarily reason to do it so soon, though. You're right that we should take our time with the meeting and plan as best we can. I just worry about her going in there already a mess because of a ton of conflicts when she needs to be in the best shape she can be.''
 
-May chimed in. ``Ey was the version of you who learned that most strongly, perhaps. You were left with the memories of it to work with, but without the context of the experience.''
+``You are right, as always,'' she grumbled, slumping forward to use eir thigh as a pillow. ``Thank you for keeping me grounded.''
 
-``Right. It was nice watching em grow closer to others and open up to a relationship.''
+Ey stroked over the skunk's head, toying with one of her ears until she batted at eir hand. ``I know I say it a lot, but you're a good person, May. So is End Waking. I think True Name having more of that will only help.''
 
-``\,`Nice'?''
+``Do you think she is a good person?''
 
-Ey shrugged. ``I don't know how else to put it. I felt compersion for them, like the opposite of jealousy. I was happy for them, and it felt good to know that those things were possible.''
+``Mmhm.''
 
-True Name nodded. ``That is the word I would use to describe my feelings towards May Then My Name, if it is not too forward of me to say.''
+``You answer so quickly. Is it that uncomplicated for you?''
 
-May smiled and reached out across the dining table to pat at True Name's paw.
+Ey thought for a moment, still combing fingers through the longer fur on top of the skunk's head. ``I suppose. I'm not sure why, though. She's complicated, and I disagree with her reasoning for a lot of what she's done, but I don't think that makes her a bad person.''
 
-``It is what I feel for End Waking and Debarre, too, though in a far more round-about way. I have memories of the ways in which End Waking changed in order to let Debarre into his life, but I cannot place them in context. I do not have what is required to understand them; I may watch them, I may understand one at a time, but integration of all of them eludes me. Those experiences which are left to integrate are the ones clashing the most.'' She gave a frustrated sigh and shook her head. ``I can remember what it feels like to fall in love but not what to do then. I can remember what it feels like to be in love but not how I got there.''
+May nodded.
 
-Ioan and May glanced at each other briefly, but both nodded.
+They stayed quiet until they worked their way under the covers again, cozying up for sleep, when May murmured, ``I have to believe that she is a good person, or at least capable of being one. For my sake, I have to at least try to believe that.''
 
-``It has not been a priority for you,'' May said. ``If it has not been important, if it has felt like a distraction, then there is no\pagebreak\ reason to simply know how to do all of that. I do wish you the best, though.''
+Ey kissed the backs of her ears and shushed her to sleep.
 
-``Didn't you say you'd felt love for Zacharias, though?''
+What kept coming back again and again was the feeling of just how small this project felt—if ey'd been assigned to it as amanuensis, might as well call it what it was. There were so few people involved. True Name and Jonas, then em, May, and End Waking on the periphery. Five people, three clades. It was intimate, in that sense. True Name and Jonas were larger-than-life\pagebreak~most of the time, but having been forced into sharing space with her, ey was far more able to see the True Name of today as just someone caught up in a storm and Jonas as the force behind that storm.
 
-True Name shrugged noncommittally. ``I am not comfortable talking about that now.''
+And then there was emself, as powerless as Codrin\#Castor had felt almost four years back.
 
-Ey tried to keep eir expression from falling, but apparently did not succeed.
+The next morning saw both of the skunks more relaxed than ey'd seen them yet. They talked pleasantly over breakfast, and True Name even stuck around, sitting on the couch and watching the snow melt off the balcony while May and Ioan worked, her on her monologue and em reading back through the volume of \emph{An Expanded History of Our World} that focused on the Council of Eight—and the Ode and Jonas clades—in the centuries after its dissolution.
 
-``I am sorry, Ioan. Not everything is for sharing, not right now.''
+After lunch, True Name returned to the couch with a glass of water and, after a moment's hesitation, May joined her.
 
-``It's just the amanuensis in me.'' Ey tried to laugh it away. ``Why'd you ask about this, anyway?''
+``Why are you spending today out here?'' she asked, finally voicing a question ey'd kept to emself until now.
 
-She smirked. ``You mean beyond the fact that I just told you I am having trouble integrating the memories?''
+``Honest answer or pithy one?''
 
-``Yeah, actually. Why those memories? I would have thought his fixation on penance would have caused more clashes.''
+``Both.''
 
-``It is,'' she replied slowly. ``But these are more comforting to work with. They had their fights, as I am sure all couples do, but even those are full of love. I do not--'' She sniffled, shook her head firmly, then stood and bowed. ``I need to go for a walk. Thank you both.''
+True Name laughed. ``The pithy one is that I am bored and lonely, and this seems to be my best bet at solving either. The honest answer is that I am bored and lonely and, even if the circumstances are not ideal, I want to at least try not to mope in my room all day as I am sorely tempted to.''
 
-And without another word, she stepped from the sim.
+``You've said you spend most of your time working interacting with your instances, yeah,'' Ioan said, turning eir desk chair to face the couch. ``I imagine it's been pretty quiet.''
 
-May groaned and crossed her arms on the table, resting her head on them. ``I do not know what to think about her. I do not know what to think about any of this.''
+``Yes. My instances, some up-tree cocladists, instances of Jonas, those of my\ldots friends.'' The last word sounded almost bashful for reasons ey couldn't place. She shrugged and continued, ``And now I am without all of those. No instances, none of my up-tree cocladists are responding, I do not wish to speak with Jonas for obvious reasons, and the relationships I have with my friends are largely bound up in that.''
 
-Ey slouched in eir chair for a moment before reaching out to pet over her ears a few times. ``Me either. I don't know where that conversation came from, and\ldots well, it went alright, but I have no idea what she was asking about, so I kept feeling like I was about to fall in some conversational pit.''
+May nodded. ``I do not know if we are the ideal company for you, given our interests, but at least we can try, I suppose.''
 
-She lifted her snout enough to bump her nose against eir wrist, then nodded. ``It is things like this—the conversation and the thoughts that come with it—that keep me hesitant about any decision to merge down. I do not know if it would help her or kill her.''
+``For which I am endlessly appreciative,'' True Name confirmed. ``Though I do still miss routine. Good company and productive company do not necessarily overlap.''
 
-``No killing skunks,'' ey mumbled, then stood and stretched. ``Bit miffed she's out at the lake, since now I feel like walking, too.''
+``\,`\emph{Productive} company'?''
 
-``If you were at all a normal person, we could enjoy perpetual springtime in the yard.''
+``You are very nice to be around. Both of you. It is productive for my mental health, perhaps, and nice to be able to rest, but it is not what I \emph{do}, May Then My Name. This is not who I am. I am not one to crash at her friends' place, however pleasant they may be.''
 
-Ey looked outside, at the scant inch of snow left after the last storm. ``It's not that bad.''
+Ioan could feel an argument brewing. What True Name was saying very likely was true: this wasn't who she was as a person, and now she had been knocked into some new setting. Ey suspected May knew that, even. Ey could see the skunk working on keeping an open expression, despite her cocladist's indelicate wording. Still, there was a thin line to be crossed, and they were edging closer.
 
-``It is in all ways bad. It is cold.''
+``Well, it's better than being assassinated, right?'' ey said, trying to lighten the mood.
 
-``Mmhm, still cold. Still, it might be worth making a coffee and bringing it out there to keep the hands warm, if only so I can pace.''
+May grinned. True Name did not.
 
-``Go, my dear. Go and pace. I will teach myself how to do a handstand or something equally silly. Anything other than dwelling on more of this.''
+``Sorry, probably still a bit too soon.''
 
-``No more monologue?''
+``Perhaps. I would rather be alive here than not alive at all, but it is not an ideal situation for any of us, I think, yes?''
 
-``I am so sick of looking at it that I think I might scream if I even catch a glance.''
+May averted her gaze, but nodded all the same.
 
-Ey laughed and leaned down to kiss the side of the skunk's muzzle. ``Well, alright. Don't fall over onto the table or anything.''
+``My apologies, you two,'' True Name said with a hint of a bow. ``I am restless and anxious. I do not want to meet with Jonas. I do not want to stay in hiding. I do not want to go back to being overworked, but I am unhappy having no work. Call it an addiction, if you will, but I am nothing if I am not True Name.'' She bared her teeth in a bitter sneer and, as she continued, her words came faster, hotter, more frustrated. ``And why should I not be? I have worked hard to become myself. That I am what I am and unrepentant of that is perhaps a disappointment to many, but it means more to me to stick to what I believe to be true than to--''
 
-The rest of the afternoon passed easily enough. It was slow and boring, perhaps, but neither seemed to want any excitement. Ioan walked. May did not manage a handstand, but she did wind up laying half off the couch, head nearly to the floor, for half an hour. They made lunch. They read.
+``True Name,'' May said, interrupting the other skunk's tirade. ``Wait.''
 
-But always, there was an air of waiting. They were waiting for True Name to return, yes, but ey felt like they were also waiting for the other shoe to drop. They were waiting for her to feel whole again. They were waiting for everything to fall into place (or at least close enough) so that they could do this meeting with Jonas and get it over with.
+Wrong footed, True Name frowned. ``What? Why? I do not--''
 
-``Do you think she's just out there walking?'' ey asked at one point.
+May held up her paw, a brief glance at the ceiling hinting at a sensorium message elsewhere.
 
-May shrugged. ``If she is anything like True Name, yes. If she is anything like End Waking, then she is exploring. Climbing trees and walking along ravines.''
+Ioan frowned as well. Intuition told em the discussion they'd had earlier was quickly moving beyond hypothetical. ``May, are you sure--''
 
-``And if she's both?''
+True Name jolted upright in her seat on the couch. ``What the fuck is--''
 
-She sighed. ``If she is both, then I do not know. If she is both, perhaps she is finding some new way to let loose all of those emotions she could not speak before.
+``Accept it,'' May said, and ey could see the full force of all her centuries of earnestness focused on her cocladist; earnestness, kindness, the right tone, the perfect cant of ears and bristle of whiskers, all of it fine tuned to show her just what she needed to see. ``It will only help, True Name.''
 
-True Name returned shortly before dinner. Both Ioan and May stood to greet her. She looked dirty and scuffed up, and while her expression wasn't grim, it certainly came close. There was frustration there, perhaps anger as well.
+Her face contorting with the strain of holding what must be a very large high-priority merge from End Waking at bay without either remembering or forgetting it, True Name gasped. ``May\ldots{} May Then\ldots{} Why\ldots{}''
 
-\emph{Overflowing,} ey thought, then tamped it down.
+May's expression softened further, picking up a hopeful smile. ``Please, my dear. I think you need this. I think we \emph{all} need this, if we are to move forward, if you are to be able to move past what Jonas wants of you. Please accept. Please.''
 
-She bowed to them from the entryway and said, ``Ioan, May Then My Name, thank you for hosting me and for all of your kindness.''
+True Name nodded shakily, attempted a dry swallow, and then let End Waking's centuries of memories crash into her.
 
-Ey frowned. ``But\ldots?''
+The change was immediate and more dramatic than ey'd anticipated. Ey had been expecting a shell-shocked look and maybe a few minutes of silence, but instead True Name's expression melted into a glazed, ischemic stupor. The glass of water she'd been clutching but had yet to drink tumbled to the floor and, as all her muscles gave out at once, she began to slide off the couch.
 
-``Yes. But I need out. I need to be elsewhere. I walked as far as I could into the hills from the lake and, while I found the boundary of the sim, it is far enough away that I do not think I will feel cramped.''
+``Shit. Shit! Ioan!'' May shouted.
 
-``Wait, what? You're going to stay at Arrowhead Lake?''
+Ey was already on eir feet and halfway around the table, thankfully in time to catch the skunk before she slid down into the pool of water on the floor. Ey managed to get eir arms under hers enough to hoist her up into the couch again while May ducked around to lift her feet so that they could lay her out on her back.
 
-``If you decide to keep my room here, I will come back, but I am going to lose my fucking mind if I simply stay in--'' She sighed, took a deep breath, recomposed herself. ``I am going to spend a few days out at the lake. I need\ldots away. I need away from walls. I need away from you two, nice as you are, away from all of your happiness and comfort. I need away from speaking, from dwelling on the last few weeks. I need solitude.''
+They both stared down at her.
 
-May had shied away from her down-tree instance the instant her temper started to rise, clutching tightly at eir hand, but Ioan stood eir ground as best ey could.
+``Fuck,'' May whispered.
 
-``Well, alright. It's no trouble keeping your room, of course, and I guess there's tents already out there.''
+``What just happened?''
 
-She nodded, subsiding at the reasonable tone in eir voice. ``Yes. Thank you for understanding.''
+``One moment,'' she said, waving away the spilled water so that she could kneel by the couch. There was a moment's hesitation before she brushed some of the skunk's longer head fur away from her face. ``Can you close your eyes?''
 
-``Is there anything we can do to help?''
+When True Name didn't respond, didn't move, May gently brushed her paw down to close them for her. She leaned closer, whispering a few more questions ey could not hear, though there was still no response.
 
-``Can you grant me ACLs to create supplies? There is nothing to hunt and I do not wish to set aside the necessity to eat.''
+After lingering a moment longer, she stood shakily, took Ioan's hand in her paw and led em to the balcony despite the cold. As soon as the door shut behind them, she burst into tears.
 
-``Hunt?'' Ey frowned, then shook eir head. ``Right, sorry. End Waking always did. You should\ldots there. You should have them now.''
+Ey guided her carefully to the bench swing to sit her down, letting her cry herself out against eir shoulder.
 
-She nodded. Much of her time out there must have been spent cataloguing what she'd need in order to survive, going off of memories that were now hers, as it took her less than ten seconds and a wave of the paw to create an axe, a knife, and two canvas bags ey assumed were full of reasonably stable food and other necessary tools. This was followed by her rapidly forking a few times over, shifting her outfit one article of clothing at a time. It struck a middle-ground between her ordinary conservative dress and End Waking's ranger garb, one with canvas leggings and a sturdy shirt, over which she wore a leather jerkin with what looked to be a detachable hood. It usually wasn't worth it to fork just to re-clothe oneself, but she seemed antsy to be away and on her own, not to mention that lingering air of frustration about her.
+``I am sorry, my dear,'' she said when she could speak again at last. ``Really, truly sorry.''
 
-``Thank you both,'' she said, more quietly this time. ``Earnestly. It does mean a lot that you have both thought to help so much. I will be in touch.''
+Ey shook eir head, kissing her between the ears. ``You don't need to apologize to me. Is she alright?''
 
-With that, she bowed, lifted her bags and axe, then stepped from the sim once more.
+``She should be,'' she mumbled.
 
-``What the hell\ldots{}''
+``Alright. I'm more confused than anything. Was that your and End Waking's plan?''
 
-May took a solid minute to un-cringe from the whole experience, slowly relaxing her grip on eir hand. ``I think perhaps she--''
+She pressed closer to em. ``That was him merging back down, yes. We have been discussing it for days, now. I did not expect that, though,'' she said, and ey could hear that she was on the verge of crying once more. ``I never intended to hurt her.''
 
-``Is overflowing?''
+``Can you explain what happened, at least?''
 
-She nodded.
+She nodded, swallowing down that wave of tears as best she could. ``We are good at forking and merging. Very, \emph{very} good at it. I am pretty sure you know that, though.''
 
-Ey sighed. ``That was my guess, too. I was going to say it came on pretty quick, but the last few days make a lot more sense with that as context.''
+``Did something go wrong, then?''
 
-May leaned forward and rested her forehead against eir upper arm. Her tail hung limp and her ears were splayed out to the sides.
+``End Waking has not merged down in more than a century and a half. Even when she merged down when Michelle quit, all she had to do was let the memories fall onto her and then quit herself. He has diverged quite far in that time, as is to be expected, which means the potential for conflicts.''
 
-Ey extricated eir hand from her paws so that ey could turn and get eir arms around her, careful not to jostle too much. Ey leaned down to kiss between her ears, murmuring, ``How about you, May?''
+Eir frown deepened. Ey thought ey could tell where this was going. ``Aren't those usually just when memories don't line up, though?''
 
-``Mm?''
+May gave the barest hint of a shrug against em. ``You have met her, and you have met him. Their viewpoints are almost diametrically opposed, yes?''
 
-``You've seemed on the edge of overflowing for a few days now.''
+Ey nodded.
 
-It took her a long time to respond. At last, she hugged her arms around eir middle and lifted her head to look at em. ``You will not be upset with me if I say yes?''
+``Viewpoints are built atop a collection of memories. That they can share so many memories and yet have such different outlooks on the world and their actions is a subtler, but trickier sort of merge conflict.'' She paused, took a deep breath, then continued slowly. ``I pressed her to accept because I knew that she would accept the merge as smoothly as she always does if there was external pressure. She merged blithely and took on 156 years of End Waking all at once. All of his memories. All of his penance. All of his loathing for what he did, what she was so proud of.''
 
-``What?'' Ey blinked, shaking eir head. ``Of course not. I apologize if it's seemed that way in the past.''
+``And it was too much?'' ey asked.
 
-She rested her head against eir shoulder. ``No, but\ldots I do not know, my dear. Everything is so much more complicated this time. It is bad enough when you have one skunk in your life, but now you have two at the same time. Two and a half, perhaps.''
+Her face screwed up again as she nodded. ``I nuh-never wanted t-to hur-hurt her,'' she stammered as the tears started to flow once more.
 
-``It's okay, May. It's complicated, but we've done it before, so we'll make it work this time.''
+Ey got eir arms around her again and held her close. A quick glance through the windows showed that True Name still lay on the couch, breathing shallowly.
 
-She nodded.
+``May, I want to ask you something,'' ey said, once she had calmed down. ``And\ldots well, I think it'll probably make you cry again, but I want to make sure we stay open about this. Is that okay?''
 
-``Can I stay for tonight?'' Ioan asked gently. ``I'll help get some meals prepped and some of my stuff in order. It'll give me a chance to contact Douglas, too.''
+She whined quietly, but nodded all the same.
 
-``Of course, my dear. I am not\ldots there yet, but I am close.''
+Ey took a deep breath, keeping eir voice as gentle as ey could. ``I'm not upset with you, but I need to know since this is just getting weirder and weirder. Are you sure you didn't want to hurt her?''
 
-``Well, come on, then. Let's get some food in you and we can take it easy for the night and finish in the morning.''
+There was a long silence before she replied. Ey watched her count her breaths, one of the exercises that had worked best to ground her. At least, she counted as best she could between sniffles.
+
+``I think,'' she started, then cleared her throat. ``I \emph{know} a part of me was acting out of vengeance.''
+
+Ey nodded. ``We've talked about that, yeah.''
+
+``Right. I think that part was hoping that it would be a rough merge to knock her down a peg, yes,'' she said, then let out a shaky sigh. She was starting to shiver from the cold. ``I did not think it would be this bad, though. I am really sorry, Ioan. I want to be a good person.''
+
+Hugging her tightly to em, ey said, ``It's okay, May. We'll just have to see what comes of it.''
+
+She nodded, fell back into breathing exercises.
+
+``And I believe you when you say you didn't want to hurt her. Both those--''
+
+She elbowed em in the side. ``Yes, yes. Both can be true at once. You know we have the same therapist, right? She says the same things to me.''
+
+Ey smiled, pleased to hear the humor in her voice. ``Sorry, May.''
+
+She wormed her arms around em to give a tight squeeze. ``It is alright. You are just a nerd. Both of those things can be true, too.'' After a moment's hesitation, she asked more quietly, ``Can you see her? Is she okay?''
+
+``She's rolled onto her side. Still breathing pretty quick.''
+
+May nodded, wiping at her face, though it did little to help her disheveled look. ``Let us get back in and check on her, then. We may want to get her into bed. Being comfortable can make it easier.''
+
+``True Name?'' ey murmured once ey'd crouched beside her. ``Can you make it to your room?''
+
+Her eyes remained closed, flicking about beneath her eyelids. There was the tiniest shake of her head.
+
+Ey looked to May, who only watched anxiously, wringing her paws.
+
+Oh well, ey'd lifted eir partner on more than one occasion, ey supposed this wouldn't be too different. Ey slipped eir arms beneath the skunk, though she remained limp. Through a bit of shifting, ey was eventually able to get her leaned against eir chest, head on eir shoulder rather than lolling back, gaining enough leverage to be able to lift her. She was a little lighter, but when ey lifted May, she usually got her arms around eir shoulders, too.
+
+Ey was able to get her into bed easily enough, May holding the covers back while ey did so and then draping them back over her after.
+
+It was eir turn to stand awkwardly by while May sat beside True Name and brushed a paw over her head. ``I am sorry, my dear, I thought\ldots{}'' she started, then sighed. ``I will sit with you. I am sorry.''
+
+Ioan backed slowly out of the room, sliding the door shut quietly behind em. May sounded on the verge of tears once more, but, of all the things ey was not supposed to fix, perhaps least able to fix, this certainly felt like the top of the list.