Updates with 2023/2024 edits

mitzvot/content/023.tex

@@ -1,133 +1,159 @@
-Sure enough, once they made it back to the forest, End Waking leaned over to nose at Debarre's cheek, pulled his paw away, and looked off into the woods. Whenever it was time for him to ask Debarre to leave, he'd go through a little swell of anxiety.
+\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center}
 
-``I am sorry, my love. I know that it is not the easiest on you that I always do this.''
+What levity the night had gained slowly faded when they returned home. True Name explained that she had barely slept the night previous and needed to do so urgently, and as soon as the door shut behind her, May's shoulders sagged and she dragged em off to the bedroom. It was still early for them to be going to sleep, but then, ey was certainly tired enough.
 
-``Hey, I said I was leaving today,'' he said as reassuringly as he could. ``It's not coming out of the blue.''
+They settled into bed, not talking, just resting forehead-to-forehead while ey pet through May's soft fur. There didn't seem to be anything that either of them needed to say, or if there was, not yet something they could.
 
-End Waking nodded. ``You are always allowed to keep in touch.''
+Eventually, though, they shifted to their usual spots, May tucked back against eir front, and slept straight through until morning.
 
-``Mmhm.''
+Ey woke to the quiet sounds of True Name rustling around in the kitchen, mugs being pulled down from the shelves. Ey grumbled, wondering why she hadn't thought to set up a cone of silence, then realized she'd almost certainly left it off intentionally as a subtle way to let them know that she was up. With her memories from End Waking, she almost certainly could be quieter than any of them.
 
-``And you can drop by as long as you give me some notice, preferably a day.''
+Ey carefully slid out of bed, tucking the covers back over May to let her continue to doze.
 
-``I will.''
+``Good morning,'' True Name said quietly, bowing to em and holding out a mug of coffee. ``Black, yes?''
 
-``And if you hear from May Then My Name or Ioan, please let me know.''
+``Morning,'' ey said, accepting the coffee with a nod of thanks. ``Caught up on sleep?''
 
-``E.W., shut up,'' Debarre said fondly. ``See you soon, okay?''
+She shrugged. ``A little, perhaps. Unnerving dreams, unnerving memories coming to the fore.''
 
-The skunk wilted, a look somewhere between relieved and resigned coming over his face. ``Yes. Soon. Thank you, my dear.''
+``Hopefully that lessens over time.''
 
-``Of course. Love you, E.W.''
+``It should, yes. It is already less overwhelming than it was yesterday afternoon.'' She shook her head. ``But I am sure you are tired of that topic after the last few days. How about you, my dear? Did you sleep well?''
 
-``Love you too.''
+``Well enough, I guess. I certainly needed it.''
 
-There was nothing else for it, then. With one last wave to the skunk (already heading off into the woods), he stepped back to the Hadjes' field.
+``Coffee,'' May mumbled, stumbling out of the bedroom, looking disheveled. ``You did not bring me coffee.''
 
-Ioan and Douglas were still standing where he'd left them, so he waved again. ``Sorry, back for a little bit.''
+Ioan snorted and shook eir head. ``I just got up, too, May. I've barely had a sip, myself.''
 
-``On your own again?'' Ioan asked.
+``No excuses, only coffee.''
 
-He nodded. ``Yeah. It's been building up for a long time. We agreed I'd head off when the tent was done, and we just got the nets all hung yesterday. Hey, can we go inside, though? He was right, it's pretty fucking hot out here with fur.''
+``It is on the counter, May Then My Name. I promise I did not leave you out.''
 
-Douglas laughed. ``I'll never get you guys, him all in black fur and you wearing black clothes over yours. Yeah, come on. There's more lemonade.''
+The skunk mumbled her thanks and retrieved her mug, lapping groggily.
 
-Ioan held back enough to let Douglas take the lead, falling in step with Debarre, instead. ``Does it bother you?''
+As if on some hidden signal, they moved to the dining table to focus on waking up, all apparently too tired to do much else.
 
-``Hmm? E.W. asking me to leave?''
+It was True Name who finally broke the silence, speaking quietly, more down to her mug than anything. ``I find myself caught off-guard by the sudden ending of the merge. I have never experienced that with any other merger. Perhaps it is down to individuation.''
+
+``How do you mean?''
+
+``I remember going to sleep here, but I also remember going to sleep with Debarre in my arms. I remember waking up with him, working with him through the day, even while I remember us talking to each other, and then I remember your message, May Then My Name, and then everything stops.''
+
+May's ears flicked back and she ducked her snout, looking abashed. ``I did not think of that. I am sorry. I will apologize to them as well.''
+
+True Name lifted her gaze and smiled faintly to May. ``I do not think you need to worry too much, my dear. We-- they discussed it a few nights ago. It was something of a shock to be used to sleeping alone and also to not have someone in bed with me.
+
+``I think May would explode without someone in bed with her,'' Ioan said, hoping to keep the mood light.
+
+``It is not \emph{not} true. I do not sleep well alone.''
+
+``I have not experienced a relationship as True Name in\ldots some years. Even then we slept in separate beds.''
+
+May's grip on her coffee mug tightened and she slouched down further in her seat.
+
+``I didn't know you were in a relationship,'' Ioan said. ``Did you, uh\ldots well, I mean, is that what you two talked about a few days back?''
+
+Both skunks nodded.
+
+``I don't mean to pry,'' ey added. ``Sorry if it's too personal.''
+
+After a long silence, True Name sighed. ``No, I think you will eventually learn about it anyway.'' When May's ears flattened, she hastened to add, ``At least in part.''
+
+Ey stayed quiet. Ey wasn't sure how much to push or back off, whether or not there was some boundary ey should be aware of. It seemed more complex than simply keeping the relationship secret.
+
+``I met a young fox some centuries back.'' The skunk spoke slowly and carefully. ``Red fox, that is, rather than a fennec like Dear. Furries tend to clump together, and I suppose I am no exception. We quickly became friends, then trusted confidants, and then occasional lovers. I did not let us become more than that. There was romance between us, but I was not comfortable becoming romantically entangled in my position.''
+
+``That makes sense. I don't know why I thought that wouldn't be the case, actually.''
+
+``I have said in the past that you two—that all of those in the clade who have formed lasting romantic relationships—have done something I was never able to,'' she said. ``That remains true. Zacharias and I never quite rose to the level of relationship. Lovers, yes, and perhaps even in love, but never partners. It was always in private, always alone. I had an image to maintain, and that did not include having a boyfriend.''
+
+``Did you want one?''
+
+``Pardon?''
+
+Realizing the sensitive nature of the question, ey held up eir hands. ``Sorry, I asked that without thinking. I was wondering if you wanted a partner, even if you felt your image wouldn't allow that.''
+
+Another long silence followed before she spoke again. ``Had you asked me that prior to the merge, I do not think I would have been comfortable answering, but in the context of the memories I now share of Debarre, I think that has changed into a solid `I do not know'. I do not know if I wanted a partner, because it was more important for me to stay true to my goals than it was for me to think about love, on some subconscious level.''
+
+Ey finished eir coffee and toyed with the empty mug, rotating it first this way and then that on the table while ey thought. Eventually, the two skunks fell into quiet, polite conversation, talking about something ey was too distracted to think about.
+
+They both agreed to more coffee, so ey tasked emself with making another pot, hoping that breaking out of the context would give em more room to think.
+
+That True Name felt such a strong need to maintain her image was more than a little alien to em. However, when it came to her not knowing whether or not she wanted a partner, ey felt an almost unnerving level of concordance with eir own life prior to first meeting the Odists, and perhaps even prior to meeting May, years later. Ey did not have an image to maintain or goals to reach for, simply a lack of social awareness that kept em from remembering that having a partner was even a thing that ey could do. Ey and True Name always seemed to have something that kept them from thinking about love until something—May for em and this merge (or perhaps even this conversation) for True Name—suddenly forced the issue.
+
+Ey didn't know what part of em was in charge of making such predictions, but the thought that May, with all her love, might try to merge down with True Name forced itself into eir mind and wedged itself firmly in place. They'd talked about how each of the three skunks were good people some nights back, but in the face of the last two days, ey couldn't think of why, what reason eir partner might even have to do so. A lingering need to force her to experience her own resentment? Or to feel that love? A desire to help her become a better person, whatever that meant? A fit of pique?
+
+Or, no, that wasn't it. It all fell back to the same problem that had been at the forefront of eir mind for months now: that need to fix things. Ey worried that May might merge down with True Name to make her feel better not necessarily because that's something she might want to do, but because, in the wake of the most recent merge, it's all ey emself could think to do in order to fix this friction.
+
+So silly. It made no sense, and yet this sudden image of True Name as the type of person who might have a relationship, who now had decades of memories of dating Debarre in the form of End Waking, seemed to have set off a runaway train of thought.
+
+``Ioan?''
+
+Ey started out of eir rumination. ``Mm? Sorry. Was I mumbling?''
+
+May grinned. ``A little, but also you have been standing there for quite a while and you promised us coffee.''
+
+``Oh! Shit, I'm sorry.'' Ey laughed as best ey could to banish any look of the panic ey felt from eir face. Ey brought the pot of coffee over to the table along with the cream and sugar for May and True Name so that they could top up their mugs accordingly.
+
+Ey drifted in and out of the present moment after that, surfacing now and then to do a bit of work or, at one point, to run another sweep of the house at the behest of True Name in case they'd brought any hitchhikers with them. They hadn't, but it was probably a good idea all the same.
+
+The relatively pleasant morning fell again into a vague sense of tension within the house. Ey was sure that ey was the cause of at least a part of it, what with the way May kept checking in on em.
+
+The rest seemed to fall back to True Name, though, who, after coffee, had sagged in her chair and mentioned that she'd been holding some demanding memories at bay. ``I need to deal with these or I am sure I will unravel like Michelle,'' she had mumbled on the way to her room, leading May to put down her work and curl up on the beanbag.
+
+Ey joined her, despite all of the distractions whirling around in eir head. Ey couldn't sort any of them out now, but the least ey could do was comfort eir partner.
+
+\emph{All that crying these last few days, I wouldn't be surprised if she overflows soon,} ey thought while petting over her ears, a pang in eir chest. \emph{And who knows how that'll work with True Name.}
+
+A simple dinner of pasta, more polite conversation, and then they broke off to their own spaces again, True Name requesting the location tag for Arrowhead Lake so that she could go for a walk ``somewhere with fewer right-angles''.
+
+It wasn't until they were getting ready for bed that ey pulled eir thoughts together into a coherent enough form to ask May the question that had been nagging at em all day.
+
+``Do you think you'll merge down, May?''
+
+The skunk paused in the middle of tugging off her shirt, leaving just her snout-tip and midriff exposed. ``Let me think on that for a moment, please.''
+
+They both finished undressing and climbed into bed, em settling back against the pillows and her with her head on eir chest.
+
+``Okay. Now, why do you ask, my dear?''
+
+Ey hesitated. The origin of the train of thought felt impertinent, incomplete, perhaps solely on em. ``I'm not actually sure,'' ey said, fumbling for words. ``Maybe a little because you had a hand in End Waking merging down, but I think mostly the talk this morning about Debarre and, uh\ldots Zacharias, was it?''
+
+She nodded.
+
+``I think that made me think of it because until this point, it's all been happening at one layer of remove for me. She's my friend and I like her as such, but she's not my cocladist or family. I'm not in a relationship with her. None of this has been happening with her as someone I'm super close to.''
+
+``But if I merge down, she will remember having been in a relationship with you. You will be more directly involved.''
 
 ``Yeah.''
 
-He thought for a bit, then shrugged. ``Bothers, yeah, but that's really about it. Helps that I usually just quit and merge down with \#Tracker, so it's not like I've got \emph{just} the relationship to worry about. I've got my own stuff going on besides him, and other relationships that merge in every now and then.''
+They lay in silence for a bit. Ey didn't know what May was thinking about, but ey kept cycling over just how much ey and eir partner had shared over the last few months alone, all those little bits of affection and physicality when True Name had expressed on more than one occasion that such simply wasn't for her, all the private conversations they'd shared with the understanding that they'd remain such, all the little nothing moments that go into being in love.
 
-``That sounds handy, at least.''
+``I will admit that I had been considering it,'' she said, then lifted her snout to dot her nose on the underside of eir chin. ``But after the last few days and coming to terms with what that would actually mean for her, I am feeling much more cautious about the prospect.''
 
-``His overflowing is also way less dramatic than May Then My Name's, which sounds pretty painful to watch.''
+``Okay,'' ey said carefully, not wanting to jostle her snout too much. ``Can we make sure to talk about it more if you do decide to?''
 
-Ioan nodded.
+``Of course, my dear. You and I never shut up.''
 
-``Sorry, Ioan. Don't mean to keep it all on the surface for you.''
+``Mmhm, best that way,'' ey murmured, then added more seriously, ``I mean the three of us, though.''
 
-Ey shrugged. ``I asked, it's alright.''
+``We will, Ioan. It would be unfair to all of us not to.'' May lowered her snout again and tightened her grip around eir middle. ``Do you want me not to? You are allowed to say yes.''
 
-Once they were all inside and Debarre had cooled off, Douglas asked, ``So what do you think about all this?''
+Ey sighed and placed a kiss atop her head. ``I don't know. I need way more time to think on it.''
 
-``\,`All this'?'' He laughed. ``Way too fucking much to say one way or another. Narrow it down?''
+She nodded. ``I will give you all the time in the world.''
 
-``Oh, I meant the stuff with End Waking merging down. I'm still stuck on May asking him to do that without talking it through with True Name, first.''
+``Thanks, May.''
 
-``Well, like I said, she was conflicted about it when she brought it up. Said she wanted her to disappear into ignor\ldots ignoble\ldots{}''
+They settled in for sleep, letting the topic drop and trusting that there would be time enough to discuss it, focusing instead on closeness and comfort.
 
-``Ignominy?'' Ioan offered.
+``Ioan?''
 
-``Right, yeah. But she also said that she wanted her to get out of this mess and away from Jonas, `that living, breathing sack of shit', in her words.''
+``Mm?'' Ey'd nearly dozed off, and sleep was still tugging at em.
 
-They laughed.
+``I love you. You know that, right?''
 
-``But I'd been thinking much the same, I guess. If she does disappear, I'd probably feel at least a little bit of vindication for the way she jerked us all around without us realizing it and all that shit she did with the Council. I'd also feel like there was a fraction less of my friend around, though, too. I love E.W., I'm happy he's in my life, we get along well for the most part, but there's also this layer of, like\ldots well, he was part of Sasha and Michelle, and they and I went through a lot together.''
+``'Course I do, \emph{sconcsul meu}. I love you too.''
 
-``You talk about those two facets like different people,'' Ioan said. ``Sorry, not to derail. Just that I noticed that. None of the Odists do.''
-
-``Most, maybe. I picked it up from Hammered Silver, who spent probably more time with them than anyone. All their instances feel singular, I imagine, but they were two instances in one. Sasha was this really emotional, really caring person. It wasn't that Michelle wasn't, just that when she was at the fore, she was much more\ldots I don't know. Logical? Rational?''
-
-``And when it was both? When she was in flux, or whatever?''
-
-``Then she was just tired,'' he said, smiling at memories. ``But right, before I totally lose track, you asked how I feel. Uh, I guess I feel scared.''
-
-Ioan furrowed eir brow. ``Really?
-
-``Yeah. That she collapsed made me confront the fact that, no, I don't really want her dead or anything, that I really would hate to lose her. Even if she's not the part of my friend I like the most, not a part that I even remember seeing before, she's still \emph{a} part of them.'' He hesitated, then added, ``And it changed E.W. Not the forking and merging itself, but that he even did that. It sounds like May Then My Name used the fact that True Name was all worked up to force her to accept the whole merge all at once. She kind of did the same with E.W. I don't know what her message was, but it looked like it scared the shit out of him, so he kind of did it without really thinking. They'd been talking about Zacharias the last few days, I do know that.''
-
-``Since her and True Name's conversation about him?''
-
-``Now that you mention it, yeah. He's been a bit different since.''
-
-``Different how?'' Douglas asked.
-
-``Like\ldots still all worried, and still a little in shock, but also like a little bit of a load was taken off. He's been a bit lighter. Silly, even. You heard him, though. He even said he's worried for her. I can't explain it, and we never really talked it through. It's not bad, but I can still tell.''
-
-Ioan nodded and rubbed eir palms against the legs of eir slacks as ey always seemed to do during stressful conversations. ``He did seem a bit freer of speech today,'' ey mused. ``But that makes sense. He finally got to tell her how he feels, and they didn't even have to talk to each other.''
-
-``Has May Then My Name changed, too?''
-
-``I can't tell. She's been so wrapped up in trying to live around someone she doesn't really like, and then with all of the fallout from the merge. Maybe she has? She's at least been able to talk with True Name without blowing up at her, and they've even had some conversations that seemed enjoyable at times, so, maybe?''
-
-He raised his eyebrows. ``Really? The way she talked about True Name for a while there\ldots whew.''
-
-``That bad?''
-
-``Did she not talk about her to you?''
-
-Ey shrugged. ``Every now and then, and sometimes she'd get pretty pissed, but it was only once a year or so.''
-
-``Mm, about the same amount, but maybe she kept it a bit\ldots I dunno, gentler for you, since you were meeting up with True Name. She'd come over once a year or so and just go off for a while. It kinda became routine. She'd vent, then we'd have a good day.''
-
-Ioan switched to rubbing eir hands over her face. ``I don't even know what to do about her.''
-
-``Nothing,'' Douglas said. ``Nothing but love her and keep talking, I mean. She's a grown woman, she can work out her feelings well enough. Hell, she's already seeing a therapist.''
-
-Ey slumped back dramatically against the couch cushions. ``Why does \emph{everyone} tell me to stop fixing others' problems for them? Even the intellectual side of me is in on the game.''
-
-They laughed.
-
-``It's so hard to actually internalize. I'll catch myself trying to mend her and True Name's relationship or make May feel better or whatever, and I'll have to force myself to relax.''
-
-``It's not a bad thing,'' Debarre said. ``I mean, you still shouldn't do that all the time, but it's at least a sign that you're just a good person who wants to do right by eir friends.''
-
-Ey smiled gratefully. ``I'm at least trying. May's done her own fair share of trying to help, but that at least fits her M.O. One more question, then I think I need to table the topic for a bit.''
-
-``Sure.''
-
-``Do you think it was the right thing to do?''
-
-``Yeah,'' he said, surprising himself with how readily the answer came to him. ``I don't think it would have worked if E.W. had just merged down without all the other dramatic shit. I think she would've just rejected it, or if she did accept the merge, just cherry-picked parts of it. As it is, though, with Jonas after her neck and May Then My Name using all her wiles to convince both her and E.W., I think it's worth it, though she probably would've preferred to fork first. I don't honestly see her coming out of this still in power or whatever, but if she \emph{does} make it out, I think it'll help her move on.''
-
-Ioan stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully, occasionally mumbling to emself.
-
-He shrugged to Douglas and asked, ``Well, I skipped breakfast and I'm not ready to merge back down yet. Want some food? That'll at least be more pleasant.''
-
-After another hour's conversation over lunch—much happier conversation, thankfully—Debarre stepped back to his home sim and quit to let \#Tracker catch up on the current happenings.
-
-Debarre\#Tracker conducted a thorough security sweep and, finding no bugs, those little hidden instances he'd grown so paranoid of, he sighed and slouched back in his desk chair, rubbing paws over his face. ``Well, shit. This complicates things, doesn't it?''
-
-He queued up a sensorium message to Yared, user11824, and a few other friends he'd kept in touch with while following along with (and occasionally meddling in) the political affairs of the system. `Reactionary elements' indeed.
+That, at least, was a pleasant note to fall asleep to, one for pleasant dreams.