Updates with 2023/2024 edits

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Madison Scott-Clary
2024-03-19 22:06:22 -07:00
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May arrived without any warning. She would usually ping either em or Douglas, giving them a few minutes to get out into the field and prepare for a pouncing.
Ioan awoke, arms empty, asleep on eir front. Ey was not a front-sleeper, so this came with a stiff neck that ey knew would dog em throughout the rest of the day.
This time, however, Ioan awoke before dawn to a small, furry form crawling into bed with em, whispering for em to scoot over. Some sleepy part of em remembered that Douglas had locked down the ACLs to all unannounced visitors shortly after ey'd arrived with the news.
At some point during the night, May had apparently slid as carefully as she could from eir arms, bundled herself up in a second set of covers, and curled up at the far edge of the mattress. A muffled sniffle showed her to be awake.
All except May, apparently.
``You okay, May?'' ey asked, sitting up beside her.
Ey shifted the pillow ey'd been hugging out of the way and held the covers up for her to squirm beneath them and fit herself comfortably against eir front, draping them back over them both as ey got eir arms around her. Ey was too tired to do anything other than mumble a quiet greeting, and she didn't seem all that keen on talking either, so they simply dozed with each other for another few hours.
She shook her head.
With the sun warming the far wall of the room, they woke slowly, May squirming around enough to face em so that she could press her nose to eirs.
``Alright. Can I hug?''
``Good morning, my dear.''
A pause, and then another shake of the head.
``Morning, May. Surprised to see you here.''
``That's okay,'' ey said, doing eir best to keep disappointment out of eir voice. ``I'll go get some stuff pulled together for while I'm out. Want a cup of coffee?''
She shrugged, nosed her way down beneath eir chin. ``I woke up early feeling well enough to come by, but did not want to wake you.''
She nodded before pulling the covers up and over her head.
``Or wait?''
That was probably a good enough sign for em to get up. If the skunk was already to the point of being nonverbal, it wouldn't do either of them any good to try and keep talking, regardless of how much ey wanted to address her every need.
``I missed you, Ioan, why would I wait?''
Coffee was a good first priority, though, and easily sorted. It was something ey could start and finish with little thought and which had a tangible outcome, a little bit of success rather than some ill-defined end-state.
Ey nudged at her snout with eir chin. ``Well, I missed you too, so it works out. Just surprised to see you here so soon.''
While waiting, ey pinged Douglas to let him know what was going on and to request a spot to sleep. After a moment's hesitation, ey sent End Waking a quick message, as well. Ey received simple acknowledgements from both.
``I am not feeling spectacular, but I am feeling well enough to not be alone. Now does not feel like a good time to be alone.'' She leaned back enough to smile at em, and though it was a little shaky and her face was still a mess, ey was pleased to see that it was earnest. ``Are you okay, though? I do not imagine it was the best of times for this to happen.''
Ey doctored the skunk's coffee to her liking and returned to the room to set it down on the bedside table closest to her, taking a cue from True Name and moving noisily enough that she'd know ey was there without being obnoxiously loud.
Remembering eir conversation with Sarah only two days back, ey checked the urge to refocus the conversation on her, instead saying, ``It was a little rough, yeah. I got in touch with Sarah and set up an emergency thing a few hours after I got here.''
A moment's thought was spent on shifting the weather in the sim to something warmer, more springlike. Ey'd heard enough kvetching about the snow the last few days to figure that might help as well.
``I am sorry, Ioan.''
From there, ey spent half an hour queuing up some meals for her, working in a cone of silence. Things that she'd mentioned as comfort foods in the past, all things that ey could cook emself or create in-sim through something acquired on the exchange. Chicken soup, mashed potatoes, more poor-skunk's-risotto.
``Hush, it's not on you. Plus, I canceled the last one, so it was good to catch up with her about what's going on, if only in very general terms. I guess I just kind of overflowed a little, myself. Everything's been so stressful the last few weeks and I didn't feel like I could do anything about it.''
While ey was prepping and stocking the food, another thought occurred to em. It was unlikely, but True Name might need to come back to the house, either to create more goods or to sleep or just to get out of the elements. To keep this from bothering May while she took the time she needed, ey shifted the ACLs of the house to be owner-only, so that those trying to enter would have to specifically request access, then stepped just inside the other bedroom's door and created a new entry-point for True Name so that she could go just to the bedroom without entering the rest of the house.
``And did you come to any conclusions?''
True Name sent a curt ping of acknowledgement when ey sent the information over via sensorium message.
``Not particularly, but you know how it goes,'' ey said. ``Talked a bit about next steps, at least, about how I should probably make sure that I take care of myself, too.''
Ey tried not to let it rankle. Everything felt so confined and restricted. So much of eir circle of friends was out in the world and so few of them came over with any frequency that to suddenly have even those ey was closest to—romantically in the case of May, and by friendship and sheer proximity in the case of True Name—requesting eir absence felt like ey was being cut off from everyone.
She laughed. ``Yes, you should.''
``Which isn't true,'' ey mumbled to emself while packing up eir notes. ``Security's one thing, but it's not like everyone's inaccessible. Keeping everyone safe doesn't mean cutting off contact for yourself, Ioan.''
They lay in silence for a few minutes, May simply relaxing in eir arms while ey tried to decide how much else to share from the impromptu appointment.
Ey looked down to eir small stack of notebooks and the three-pen case resting atop it and sighed. ``And talking to yourself doesn't count.''
\emph{She's here and we have time, might as well,} ey thought
With that, ey peeked in the bedroom one last time. May had sat up and was staring dully down into her mug of coffee, blanket worn like a hooded robe. Her cheek-fur was already streaked with tears.
``We also talked about your thoughts on merging down. Don't want to overwhelm you, though, if you're not up for talking about that.''
``I'm going to head out, May. Douglas's, as usual. Be safe, okay?''
``I was going to bring it up later, myself. I have had further thoughts.''
\emph{Okay,} she signed.
``Shall you go first, or I?''
``Need anything else before I go?''
``You, please.''
\emph{Hug.}
Ey nodded. ``Alright. It wound up being more about jealousy than anything, and what it was that I was actually feeling protective of when it came to the idea. Some of it is the fact that we've built a pretty good life together, and it took a lot of work. I'm not sure how I feel about her having the memories of that.''
Ey nodded and stepped further into the room, leaning in to get eir arms around the skunk. She didn't return the gesture, but did at least push her snout up under eir chin momentarily before leaning away. Given the tightness in her face, ey suspected an onslaught of emotion was only just being held at bay.
``End Waking said much the same, that he had put all his effort into his penance and that he would like her to come by that through her own work.''
``Love you, May. Lots and lots.''
``Pretty similar, yeah. I'd be really happy for her if she built a life that included the happiness and comfort outside of work that we have, but a large part of me wants her to come by that honestly. The other bit that Sarah brought up was whether or not I was worried that her incorporating your memories of us together would lead to her feeling about me the way you do.''
She managed to sign an I-love-you before pulling the `hood' of blankets down enough to hide her face.
There was a long silence after that. Ey did eir best to quell eir impatience. With how much the topic had been weighing on em over the last few days, ey desperately wanted to hear her side of it, as well.
Knowing she'd only resent em if ey lingered or touched her again, ey clutched eir notebooks to eir chest, waved, and quickly stepped out to the field of dandelions and grass. The light and heat were a shock, and ey stood, swaying, for a moment, simply squinting out to the horizon.
Finally, she said, ``I have been thinking about that quite a bit since the topic came up, but only from my point of view. I did not think about how it might feel for you, for which I apologize.''
Ey queued up a message to Douglas and murmured, ``I'm here, but going for a walk, first,'' before heading away from the house.
Ey shook eir head. ``You've had a lot going on. What thoughts did you have on it, though?''
There was nothing out there. No destination. No variance in the rolling hills of well-tended grass and the yellow suns of dandelions. The only break at all in the landscape was Douglas's house, and ey kept that at eir back.
``I have also been trying to pick apart my jealousy. I have said in the past that I am not opposed to you finding companionship with others, whether romantic or sexual or whatever. I am starting to think, though, that that would only apply to a type of companionship that does not overlap with what you and I have. I want nothing more than for you to feel fulfilled, my dear, and if that means finding fulfillment for the areas that I do not cover, I would only ever be pleased.'' She sighed, thought for a moment longer, and then continued more quietly, ``For someone to feel about you precisely what I do, even if it is tempered by other memories, is too close to the devotion that I am most protective of.''
As ey walked, ey considered what it meant to overflow. Was it just an Odist thing? Certainly some aspects of it were. The way that Codrin described Dear's manic forking, each instance left with simply a shard of its personality, felt very Dear. May, End Waking, and True Name's overflowing all sounded uniquely them, as well, and A Finger Pointing mentioned that hers was different still, though had declined to expand on it.
``Have you changed your mind on merging?''
But here ey was, feeling like all of the stress of the last day, of the last few weeks had filled em up to overflowing. Presented with the sudden silence and stillness of the field, ey realized just how much ey'd been running on desperation and borrowed time.
``I do not know, Ioan. I go back and forth on the issue and at the moment, rather more back than forth.'' She giggled, licked at eir chin, adding, ``Or forth than back. The metaphor fails.''
With the slightest break in the pressure, that loan was called due.
``You took that one a bit far, yeah,'' ey said, laughing. ``But I think I'm too tired to talk about this much more. Did you have coffee before coming over?''
Realizing that ey couldn't see the subtle rises in the land for the tears in eir eyes, ey simply sat down in the grass and cried. \emph{If I am overflowing,} some remote part of em thought, \emph{then I can certainly see the appeal to it. Catharsis indeed.}
``I did not. If you make me a cup, I will love you forever.''
Though there was certainly nothing ey could have done to stop it, ey decided to just own it and let it take its course, hollering curses into the cone of silence ey had the presence of mind to set up, clutching at the grass to keep emself anchored to the ground. Ey'd watched a good friend (for that's what True Name was, wasn't she?) nearly get assassinated in front of em, had dealt with eir partner's lingering resentment towards her down-tree instance come into conflict with her constant presence, had watched May push True Name to near catatonia after encouraging her to accept a century and a half's worth of memories from End Waking. Ey had watched both overflow in the span of a few hours.
Ey nudged her out of bed so that ey could get up as well, saying, ``I thought you were going to do that anyway, but I guess a cup of coffee is a small price to pay.''
And when ey stopped cycling over the last two weeks, ey simply wept for the sheer relief it provided.
Douglas had beaten them to the coffee pot, which made the process all the easier.
When ey'd cried emself out and cleaned emself up, ey levered emself up off the ground and trudged back toward the house. The least ey could do was say hi and get another cup of coffee.
``Hey, May,'' he said, returning the offered hug and kissing her cheek. ``Figured that was you this morning. Feeling better?''
Douglas Hadje was sitting on the stoop of his house, waiting for em.
She nodded and slumped down into a chair, cradling her coffee in both paws. ``Mostly, yes. I am still below baseline, but it was more important that I see you two than to return all the way.''
``Hey, Douglas. Sorry about that.''
``Well, glad to see you made it through.''
He stood and offered em a hug, which ey accepted gratefully. ``No worries, walks are good too. How's May?''
``You will not quit me so easily, Douglas Hadje, doctor of incredibly boring things. How are you, though? Has Ioan caught you up on everything?''
``I think so, yeah. Ey, Debarre, and End Waking did. Assassins, mergers, Jonas being terrible, Zacharias. Did I miss anything?''
She shook her head. ``That is the whole of it, I think. We continue to be dramatic about everything we do.''
He laughed. ``I mean, not going to deny that, but I'm also going to put a large part of this on Jonas, rather than you all.''
``Do you have any thoughts on it?''
``Besides the fact that you're all nuts?''
``Yes, well, that is indisputable. I would merge down with you if I could to give you a taste of it, but alas, it does not work that way.''
Douglas lifted his cup in a toast. ``For which I'm grateful. It sounds like a nightmare.''
``Yes, yes. Such is the life of an Odist.''
``Beyond that, though, I don't know, I don't want to lose any of you. I don't have the history with True Name that you guys do, so all I've just been thinking of her in terms of Michelle and Sasha.''
``You've been talking to Debarre too much,'' Ioan said. ``\,`Michelle and Sasha', I mean.''
Douglas's face fell. ``I never got to meet her, but from what everyone's said, it sounds like the split was pretty evident.''
``It was,'' May said. ``While I do not speak of her that way, Debarre is not wrong to do so.''
``Why not?''
The skunk shrugged and lapped at her coffee. ``Back when I was her, I did not think of myself that way. True Name did not think of herself that way. I know Hammered Silver does, and I am sure that others do as well. It is accurate, enough. Both can be true at once.''
``I wonder what would happen if all of you were able to merge back down into one instance again,'' he mused. ``Would that get close to being her?''
May fell silent, looking out the window at the fields over the rim of her mug.
``I do not know,'' she said eventually. Her voice sounded far away, older than Ioan had ever heard it sound before. ``I wish I did, but I do not know.''
``She's\ldots well, she'll get by. I just hope it doesn't last too long. Thanks for letting me stay. Please tell me you put coffee on.''