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Madison Scott-Clary
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Sure enough, once they made it back to the forest, End Waking leaned over to nose at Debarre's cheek, pulled his paw away, and looked off into the woods. Whenever it was time for him to ask Debarre to leave, he'd go through a little swell of anxiety.
Ioan could have sworn that ey and May had gotten enough sleep the night before. Even with her waking em up before dawn, they'd then gone on to sleep until nearly nine. Rather late for them.
``I am sorry, my love. I know that it is not the easiest on you that I always do this.''
Still, that night, they slept for more than ten hours. It had taken May a while to calm down by the time they did make it into bed, the skunk tossing and turning, first leaning in against em, then shifting away, as though the last bits of her overflowing spell kept her oscillating between wanting to be touched and not. Ey stayed quiet and still throughout, letting her decide what it was that she needed; ey was just happy to be back home.
``Hey, I said I was leaving today,'' he said as reassuringly as he could. ``It's not coming out of the blue.''
Eventually, though, they settled down into their usual spots and made it to sleep.
End Waking nodded. ``You are always allowed to keep in touch.''
It was almost certainly the stress from the day before, ey reasoned. So much had happened in so short a time. Even the time spent relaxing on the beanbag with May felt at least productive, even if it was just resting. So much had been packed into those last few hours, though, and so much emotion overall through the day, that sleep became an imperative.
``Mmhm.''
True Name had spent most of the rest of the evening outside, dragging one of eir chairs from beneath the balcony to park herself in the yard. Despite the lingering vestiges of snow and the chill of the evening, she spent hours out there, either staring up into the sky or grooming bits of forest litter out of her fur.
``And you can drop by as long as you give me some notice, preferably a day.''
Ey imagined that she must have made it into bed at some point, though she still woke well before them, as when they finally managed to pry themselves out of bed, there were two steaming coffee mugs sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter, one black and one sweet and creamy, and the skunk was once more sitting outside on the chair, tail wrapped around her feet and coffee held against her chest.
``I will.''
Ioan sent her a gentle sensorium ping, just to let her know that they were awake, then sat at eir desk. Ey had no clue where to even begin, but if nothing else, ey had to have something comforting in front of em, something known.
``And if you hear from May Then My Name or Ioan, please let me know.''
``Well, nothing for it,'' ey mumbled, swiped a new notebook into being, and began to compile notes from the last few weeks. The work ey'd already done on the topic was useful enough, but it was starting to feel like it was not directed enough in the face of all that had happened.
``E.W., shut up,'' Debarre said fondly. ``See you soon, okay?''
Ey began with a timeline, starting all the way back at the arrival of the Artemisians and that first meeting with True Name, then followed with a list of the times they'd met for coffee through the years. Ey dug through eir memories for any that stood out as particularly interesting. These were primarily early on, ey found, when they were still feeling out each others' boundaries, though the last few before the assassination attempt held some fascinating insights in the context of all that had happened since, as well.
The skunk wilted, a look somewhere between relieved and resigned coming over his face. ``Yes. Soon. Thank you, my dear.''
There was also information to fill in on the master timeline for the \emph{History}, as well. Information about Zacharias, about Jonas, about End Waking's divergence from True Name.
``Of course. Love you, E.W.''
Finally, the last almost three weeks were laid out in much finer detail. The assassination attempt, the clearing of the house, the meeting with End Waking, all the way up through the meeting with Zacharias the night before.
``Love you too.''
``Ioaaan,'' May whined, pawing feebly at eir arm. ``Hungryyy.''
There was nothing else for it, then. With one last wave to the skunk (already heading off into the woods), he stepped back to the Hadjes' field.
``Hmm? You're a big skunk, you can make breakfast.''
Ioan and Douglas were still standing where he'd left them, so he waved again. ``Sorry, back for a little bit.''
She stood up from where she'd been crouched beside em, laughing. ``It is well on lunchtime, my dear. Come up for air.''
``On your own again?'' Ioan asked.
``Wait, really?'' Ey frowned when ey checked the time. ``Great. Sorry about that, May.''
He nodded. ``Yeah. It's been building up for a long time. We agreed I'd head off when the tent was done, and we just got the nets all hung yesterday. Hey, can we go inside, though? He was right, it's pretty fucking hot out here with fur.''
They pulled together the remaining few dishes of comfort food and called out to True Name to invite her in for a meal. Ey chose the last of the poor skunk's risotto, added a healthy dusting of pepper, and got another cup of coffee to go with it.
Douglas laughed. ``I'll never get you guys, him all in black fur and you wearing black clothes over yours. Yeah, come on. There's more lemonade.''
``Thank you for lunch,'' True Name said, once she'd eaten most of her pasta. ``When you have a moment, Ioan, I would like to see about expanding the sim as we discussed.''
Ioan held back enough to let Douglas take the lead, falling in step with Debarre, instead. ``Does it bother you?''
``Right, yeah. Sorry I got so distracted this morning.'' Ey browsed the markets for appropriate wide-open spaces ey could tack onto one of the borders of eir sim. Perhaps right beneath the skunk's window would be best. Ey could even extend the balcony and provide her with a set of stairs down into the space. ``Alright. What sort of environment? There's some pretty good plains and parks, an okay forest, hmm\ldots this mountain one isn't bad, but the trees are kind of planted in a grid.''
``Hmm? E.W. asking me to leave?''
She grinned. ``That sounds cheesy. However, let us go with a plain of some sort. I do not want to go back to a forest unless it is the one I remember, and a park would be too sterile. Is there nothing like Arrowhead Lake? Something with water?''
``Yeah.''
Ey dug a little further, an act more akin to remembering than any actual physical browsing. It let em finish eir lunch, at least.
He thought for a bit, then shrugged. ``Bothers, yeah, but that's really about it. Helps that I usually just quit and merge down with \#Tracker, so it's not like I've got \emph{just} the relationship to worry about. I've got my own stuff going on besides him, and other relationships that merge in every now and then.''
``Alright, here's one that's a plain with a river and an oxbow lake. The landscape is just mirrored at the boundaries though, so it looks a little funny beyond the edges.''
``That sounds handy, at least.''
The skunk had perked up at the mention of the river and was already nodding. ``That will do quite nicely, my dear. Are you able to scale it so that it will be a good size, at least?''
``His overflowing is also way less dramatic than May Then My Name's, which sounds pretty painful to watch.''
``Sure. Do you want to set it up now?''
Ioan nodded.
She shrugged. ``If you are willing, yes.''
``Sorry, Ioan. Don't mean to keep it all on the surface for you.''
``Can I modify your room to give you an entryway to the area?''
Ey shrugged. ``I asked, it's alright.''
``Please,'' she said gratefully.
Once they were all inside and Debarre had cooled off, Douglas asked, ``So what do you think about all this?''
The three of them stood and walked into her room. Ey was somewhat crestfallen to see that ey really had just mirrored the view out of her window, as there was the chair she had been sitting in before lunch. That would mean ey'd have to place the new plot of land first, then modify the house again.
``\,`All this'?'' He laughed. ``Way too fucking much to say one way or another. Narrow it down?''
Ah well, easy enough.
``Oh, I meant the stuff with End Waking merging down. I'm still stuck on May asking him to do that without talking it through with True Name, first.''
Ey dumped a chunk of reputation into the purchase of the environment. Ey had plenty to spend and it wasn't very pricey, but it was still a noticeable ding, and ey was sure that Jonas would be keeping tabs on eir acquisitions. There was nothing to be done about it, though.
``Well, like I said, she was conflicted about it when she brought it up. Said she wanted her to disappear into ignor\ldots ignoble\ldots{}''
The environment landed on eir mind much as a pending merge might, demanding to be placed somewhere. Ey instructed the sim to put it in the corner formed by the fence of their yard and True Name's bedroom, expanded to be a mile on a side.
``Ignominy?'' Ioan offered.
Once the pressure of the environment left eir mind, ey was free to instruct the sim to let the window view the new land, and from there to add an extension of the balcony, a second stairway down, and a door leading out from her room to the balcony.
``Right, yeah. But she also said that she wanted her to get out of this mess and away from Jonas, `that living, breathing sack of shit', in her words.''
Ey slid the door open, beckoning to the two skunks. ``Alright, let's head out and check on it.''
They laughed.
As promised, they were greeted with what looked to be an endless series of perfectly parallel rivers fading into the distance with the way the boundaries simply mirrored the empty plain on the sides. The fact that the oxbow lakes were also repeated set up a grid effect that was slightly unnerving. Thankfully, the effect disappeared when they went down the steps and into the grass itself. They found the grass to be fairly well made and the ground to be delightfully uneven; no small feat when it was so easy to make a perfectly flat plane.
``But I'd been thinking much the same, I guess. If she does disappear, I'd probably feel at least a little bit of vindication for the way she jerked us all around without us realizing it and all that shit she did with the Council. I'd also feel like there was a fraction less of my friend around, though, too. I love E.W., I'm happy he's in my life, we get along well for the most part, but there's also this layer of, like\ldots well, he was part of Sasha and Michelle, and they and I went through a lot together.''
``I can maybe have the boundaries look like fog, if that helps. You'll have fog all the way around you, but at least no repeating rivers.''
``You talk about those two facets like different people,'' Ioan said. ``Sorry, not to derail. Just that I noticed that. None of the Odists do.''
Both skunks straightened up, alarmed, then shook their heads as one.
``Most, maybe. I picked it up from Hammered Silver, who spent probably more time with them than anyone. All their instances feel singular, I imagine, but they were two instances in one. Sasha was this really emotional, really caring person. It wasn't that Michelle wasn't, just that when she was at the fore, she was much more\ldots I don't know. Logical? Rational?''
``Please do not, Mx. Bălan. This will be fine as is.''
``And when it was both? When she was in flux, or whatever?''
The formality in her voice and the stiffness of her tone did not invite em to continue the topic, so ey did eir best to drop it. ``Alright. Well, I guess we can give this a go for a bit and make changes if we need. The weather and sun are synced across the whole sim, so if you need it warmer or drier, just let me know.''
``Then she was just tired,'' he said, smiling at memories. ``But right, before I totally lose track, you asked how I feel. Uh, I guess I feel scared.''
True Name bowed. ``Thank you, Ioan. This will suit me quite well. It is a bit strange seeing a fence and part of a house, but at least that means I will be able to find my way back. May I have ACLs here?''
Ioan furrowed eir brow. ``Really?
Ey nodded and made the grant.
``Yeah. That she collapsed made me confront the fact that, no, I don't really want her dead or anything, that I really would hate to lose her. Even if she's not the part of my friend I like the most, not a part that I even remember seeing before, she's still \emph{a} part of them.'' He hesitated, then added, ``And it changed E.W. Not the forking and merging itself, but that he even did that. It sounds like May Then My Name used the fact that True Name was all worked up to force her to accept the whole merge all at once. She kind of did the same with E.W. I don't know what her message was, but it looked like it scared the shit out of him, so he kind of did it without really thinking. They'd been talking about Zacharias the last few days, I do know that.''
``Thank you once more.'' She smiled faintly and gave a hint of another bow. ``If you will excuse me, I would like to explore on my own. Perhaps we can catch up over dinner.''
``Since her and True Name's conversation about him?''
``Sure thing.''
``Now that you mention it, yeah. He's been a bit different since.''
May, who had been quiet up until then, said, ``Thank you for coming back.''
``Different how?'' Douglas asked.
True Name tilted her head. ``It was not safe there, May Then My Name. This will be better.''
``Like\ldots still all worried, and still a little in shock, but also like a little bit of a load was taken off. He's been a bit lighter. Silly, even. You heard him, though. He even said he's worried for her. I can't explain it, and we never really talked it through. It's not bad, but I can still tell.''
``Yes, but thank you all the same.'' She laughed and waved a paw. ``I am sorry, disregard me. I am still not yet at baseline and it has me feeling emotional.''
Ioan nodded and rubbed eir palms against the legs of eir slacks as ey always seemed to do during stressful conversations. ``He did seem a bit freer of speech today,'' ey mused. ``But that makes sense. He finally got to tell her how he feels, and they didn't even have to talk to each other.''
The other skunk's expression softened and she leaned forward to give one of her paws a squeeze. It looked stiff and forced, but it was at least an attempt at a gesture that was more in line with May's mode of interacting.
``Has May Then My Name changed, too?''
``I understand. I do not think I am there, yet, myself. I will see you at dinner, yes?''
``I can't tell. She's been so wrapped up in trying to live around someone she doesn't really like, and then with all of the fallout from the merge. Maybe she has? She's at least been able to talk with True Name without blowing up at her, and they've even had some conversations that seemed enjoyable at times, so, maybe?''
Ioan and May both nodded and made their goodbyes. As a last concession to giving the skunk privacy, ey made a small gate in the fence leading into their yard so that they wouldn't have to go through her room if they needed to go out into her plain for any reason. It meant pushing through lilac bushes, but ey figured it'd be rarely used.
He raised his eyebrows. ``Really? The way she talked about True Name for a while there\ldots whew.''
``Can you work on the beanbag, Ioan?'' May asked once they were back inside.
``That bad?''
``Sure. Need some pets?''
``Did she not talk about her to you?''
She nodded.
Ey shrugged. ``Every now and then, and sometimes she'd get pretty pissed, but it was only once a year or so.''
Asking how she was feeling felt counter to simply providing what she'd requested—something ey enjoyed plenty, as well—so they made themselves comfortable on the amorphous cushion. It didn't seem to be time for talking at all, so they settled on soft music instead.
``Mm, about the same amount, but maybe she kept it a bit\ldots I dunno, gentler for you, since you were meeting up with True Name. She'd come over once a year or so and just go off for a while. It kinda became routine. She'd vent, then we'd have a good day.''
Ey wasn't sure what May was doing, whether it was simply soaking up the affection and close proximity or some more thoughtful task. For eir part, though, ey went back to work on organizing events as they'd happened. Who knew what would come next.
Ioan switched to rubbing eir hands over her face. ``I don't even know what to do about her.''
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``Nothing,'' Douglas said. ``Nothing but love her and keep talking, I mean. She's a grown woman, she can work out her feelings well enough. Hell, she's already seeing a therapist.''
The next few days passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods.
Ey slumped back dramatically against the couch cushions. ``Why does \emph{everyone} tell me to stop fixing others' problems for them? Even the intellectual side of me is in on the game.''
Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn't that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up.
They laughed.
``I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point,'' she admitted when ey brought it up. ``Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way.''
``It's so hard to actually internalize. I'll catch myself trying to mend her and True Name's relationship or make May feel better or whatever, and I'll have to force myself to relax.''
``Are they not working together?'' May asked.
``It's not a bad thing,'' Debarre said. ``I mean, you still shouldn't do that all the time, but it's at least a sign that you're just a good person who wants to do right by eir friends.''
True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. ``Perhaps not, no,'' she said at last. ``It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be.''
Ey smiled gratefully. ``I'm at least trying. May's done her own fair share of trying to help, but that at least fits her M.O. One more question, then I think I need to table the topic for a bit.''
Ioan nodded, saying, ``Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?''
``Sure.''
She shook her head. ``No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities—the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split—but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long. Just not yet.''
``Do you think it was the right thing to do?''
May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. ``I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking's merge went.'' After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, ``Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say.''
``Yeah,'' he said, surprising himself with how readily the answer came to him. ``I don't think it would have worked if E.W. had just merged down without all the other dramatic shit. I think she would've just rejected it, or if she did accept the merge, just cherry-picked parts of it. As it is, though, with Jonas after her neck and May Then My Name using all her wiles to convince both her and E.W., I think it's worth it, though she probably would've preferred to fork first. I don't honestly see her coming out of this still in power or whatever, but if she \emph{does} make it out, I think it'll help her move on.''
``It is okay, May Then My Name,'' True Name said, smiling reassuringly. ``A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his.''
Ioan stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully, occasionally mumbling to emself.
She winced. ``That bad?''
He shrugged to Douglas and asked, ``Well, I skipped breakfast and I'm not ready to merge back down yet. Want some food? That'll at least be more pleasant.''
``Uncomfortable,'' the other skunk corrected. ``I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept.''
After another hour's conversation over lunch—much happier conversation, thankfully—Debarre stepped back to his home sim and quit to let \#Tracker catch up on the current happenings.
``What about May's merge would've been easier?'' Ioan asked.
Debarre\#Tracker conducted a thorough security sweep and, finding no bugs, those little hidden instances he'd grown so paranoid of, he sighed and slouched back in his desk chair, rubbing paws over his face. ``Well, shit. This complicates things, doesn't it?''
``Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me, if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge.''
``End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah.''
She nodded. ``So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear.''
May shook her head.
``Well, besides,'' Ioan added. ``She's certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did.''
True Name tilted her head.
``Ioan,'' May said quietly. ``Do you remember when you were working on the \emph{History} and I said that I was worried that you would be upset with me?''
Ey frowned, nodded.
``And do you remember how Dear told Codrin that the temptation to lie would be great?''
``What did you say to em, May Then My Name?''
May sighed and brushed her paws up over her head. ``I said that I was working as launch coordinator to remain more in line with your expectations so that I could merge back down after the project was over, that we tried to do so every few decades.''
A silence stretched out once more.
Eventually, Ioan reached up to tug at one of her ears gently. ``Skunks are so complicated.''
She let out a pent up breath as a laugh. ``I know. I am sorry. I am sorry to both of you. I believed it to be a small untruth. I wanted my relationship with True Name to seem simpler than it was to keep you feeling comfortable. I hoped that that would keep you from digging into my past. Fat load of good that did.''
``When was the last time you merged down, then?''
``2155,'' True Name said. ``Longer ago than the last time End Waking merged down. It was not acrimonious, she simply declined my next request for a merger and the conversation never came up again.''
Ey laughed. ``Really, \emph{really} complicated.''
``I am glad you are not angry, my dear,'' May said, leaning up to dot her nose against eir cheek.
``It seems more silly than anything, but I can see your reasons for doing so, in retrospect. Certainly silly in comparison to the last few weeks.''
``Very.'' May turned her gaze back to True Name and said, ``I have my apprehensions about merging, though. \emph{We} have our apprehensions, I mean. After watching what happened with End Waking's merge, it all felt so much more complicated.''
``I do not know,'' she said, voice distant. ``I said that I understand your reasons for what you did. You wanted me to change, you said, to be other than I am. You want me to be able to approach Jonas in some new way that will hopefully allow me to come out the other side with fewer assassins on my tail, yes?''
May nodded.
``And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?''
Another nod.
``I am amenable to both of those, though perhaps my reasons differ. But, May Then My Name, coming at this with both full knowledge and as an open conversation has me feeling more positive than perhaps you do,'' she said, voice having lost its thoughtful edge. ``You are a fundamentally good person and that is not something that I take lightly. You work on such a small scale and I have spoken against that in the past, but\ldots well, a threat on one's life is a pretty good way to make one realize that the small scale is still important.''
``But Ioan and I--''
``I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?'' She held up her paws, smiling. ``I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was. There is no going and there is no back.''
Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, ``My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories.''
True Name nodded.
Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. ``This last month has made me realize how much I care about you and your well-being. I like you, True Name, but I'm really hesitant about you having memories of loving me, if that makes sense.''
``And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal.''
She was a long time in responding. ``I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It\ldots is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you.''
The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. ``I am not sure what to say to this just yet.''
``We've been thinking about it for days. You've had, what, twenty minutes?''
She laughed and nodded to em. ``Yes, of course. There is much to think about.''
He queued up a sensorium message to Yared, user11824, and a few other friends he'd kept in touch with while following along with (and occasionally meddling in) the political affairs of the system. `Reactionary elements' indeed.