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After True Name returned to her room—or, more likely, out to her field to set up camp—May said, ``If I may say, that was really fucking weird, and I do not want to talk about it at all.''
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\chapter{Ioan Bălan — 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}}
\markboth{Ioan Bălan — 2350}{}
Ey laughed. ``You certainly may. Weird as hell and I need a break.''
Once they were fed and Debarre was safely on his way home—or at least merged down-tree—Ioan begged off from talking any further and trudged down the hall to the spare room ey borrowed whenever May needed space. Ey claimed to need a nap and, while ey was certainly tired enough, sleep seemed unlikely.
That last part wasn't strictly true. Ey knew ey'd be ruminating over it until they went to sleep, and likely well into tomorrow. Still, ey agreed that it wasn't a topic for talking about at the moment. The chances they'd just wind up talking in circles, rehashing the same topics over and over, getting nowhere but frustrated, was too high, and ey could do that mentally just as well.
The walk and cry in the field before ey'd joined Douglas at his house had been necessary, but also had only served to highlight just how woefully out of eir depth ey truly was.
So, instead, they relaxed together on the couch, May with her head in eir lap while ey read and she worked on this or that, or whatever it was that she did when her eyes lost focus and she hummed quietly to herself. She'd once called it `going into screen-saver mode', which didn't sound totally accurate to what ey knew of her when ey'd looked up the reference, but ey still teased her about it every now and then.
``Hi Sarah,'' ey said, starting a simplex sensorium message. ``Sorry to bother you, and sorry we haven't spoken in a few weeks. I know I was vague when I canceled our last appointment, but things have gone completely sideways. I'm not totally sure how open you'd be to this, but can we meet and talk, even if I'm restricted to talking in very general terms about what's going on? I need to talk to someone who can help me sort through my thoughts around it, I just can't share details yet. It has to do with True Name, so I'm sure you can appreciate just how complicated it is. Let me know if that's alright. I'm\ldots I'm at Douglas's for a few days. Thanks.''
Quiet nights were good, though, and ey was pleased to just spend the rest of this one in comfort.
Then, ey lay down on the bed, still dressed and over the covers, and stared at the ceiling, trying to think about as little as possible.
Sleep, however, brought restless dreams. Not nightmares, certainly; they weren't even bad dreams in any common sense of the term. They were, to the last, plagued with a sense of waiting and unease. Ey dreamt of waiting for unspecified news, sitting on uncomfortable benches in weirdly crowded lobbies. Ey dreamt of May being out of the house on some errand longer than she had said she would be. Ey dreamt of not having enough information.
Ey was startled awake by a sensorium message. Grunting and wiping eir hands over eir face to try and bring reality back into focus through the near drunken haze of waking up from an ill-advised nap, ey set the message to running.
All the same, ey woke well rested and made it to the coffee pot before either of the skunks, so ey was able to claim ten minutes of solitude standing before the picture windows, looking out into the slowly lightening yard and the field beside it. Ey could see True Name poke her snout out from her tent, disappear, and then, a few minutes later, start trudging her way back toward the house.
``Good to hear from you, Ioan. I'll admit that I was pretty concerned when you canceled. I don't usually worry about you, but that's also the first time you've had to do so in nearly four years. I can be free whenever you need, and am happy to meet you either there or here. I don't have any problems holding off on details until a later date. Just let me know.''
``Good morning, Ioan. Oh good, thank you,'' she mumbled, making a bee-line for one of the mugs of coffee that sat, steaming, on the counter.
Ey groaned and ground the heels of eir palms against eir closed eyes, trying to will away the grogginess that clung to em, somehow managing to feel both sticky and slippery.
``Morning. Sleep well?''
A quick shower had em feeling well enough to respond, and by the time she arrived, ey'd made tea for emself and met her, mug in hand, at the door.
She shrugged noncommittally. ``I slept, I am well-rested enough.''
Ey bowed. ``Thanks for coming on such short notice.''
They watched the morning head toward full brightness in silence after that, em still standing before the windows and her sitting on the couch, more focused on her coffee than anything.
She offered em a hug. ``It's alright. I figure if whatever is happening has all three of you canceling appointments and you requesting short-notice ones, it's probably important.''
``You have once again failed to bring me my coffee,'' May grumbled from the bedroom door. ``I am going to file a petition to have you censured with the leadership of the System.''
``Sorry, just woke up, feeling rough,'' ey said, declining the hug. ``But yeah. Important, overwhelming, dramatic. Would you be alright talking outside? That nap destroyed me and I'm still feeling disconnected from everything.''
``Ey did not bring me my coffee, either, my dear,'' True Name said mildly. ``And until recently, I was in such a position.''
``Works for me.''
May stopped mid-shuffle, snorted, then mumbled an apology and padded to the kitchen to grab her own mug before taking Ioan by the hand and dragging em over to the beanbag so that she could lay down with em.
``So, uh\ldots well, where to start.'' Ey spoke haltingly, once they'd made their way out into the grass and light and blue skies. ``Right. As of a few weeks ago, for reasons I can't get into just yet, True Name has been staying in an extra room we dug at the house. A few days ago--''
``Are you two up to talking about meeting with Jonas?'' True Name asked. ``I will pay in another pot of coffee and breakfast.''
``Whoa, wait. I know you said no specifics, but can you tell me a little more about that? I can't picture that working at \emph{all.}''
Ioan shrugged. ``Sure.''
Ey sighed. ``Yeah, well, that's part of why I'm here and not at home, I guess.''
``After that second coffee, yes,'' May said.
She nodded, gestured for em to continue.
Breakfast, it turned out, was a Scandinavian affair, or so ey imagined. Dense, dark bread, a tray of cheeses and meats, and a separate tray of vegetables both pickled and fresh. It was strange to call a meal such as breakfast `refreshing', but the word fit quite well. Quite good, and both of the skunks certainly seemed to appreciate it, eating the lion's share of the food, though May also swiped up a side plate of eggs to go with it.
``Well, she\ldots hmm. She ran into some interpersonal trouble that was dramatic enough to require staying around people well enough known on the System that she'd be safe.'' Ey winced, adding, ``I know that's not much to go by. Either way, she's staying in our place. She's been fairly self-contained, but not totally so, so there's been some interaction between the three of us. Before you ask, it was May's idea in the first place, and while there have been a few rough spots, it's gone far smoother than I would have thought.''
May nodded towards True Name, grinning. ``Alright. Payment accepted. You may begin.''
``Still, I imagine that just having the anxiety of it potentially going rough doesn't feel good.''
True Name nodded. ``I had an idea as I was walking last night. Or perhaps it is only a sliver of an idea. I suspect that it will not even get me out of whatever it is that he has planned, but it might soften the blow.''
``Not at all, no. I've been feeling like I'm constantly on guard, always ready to jump in and smooth things out, even if I haven't really had to do so. I'm trying to let them both just do their own thing, though, and every time I catch myself feeling that way, I try to change contexts.''
They both nodded.
``That's good,'' she said. ``Has it been helping, at least?''
``My guess is that, if he wants me to `step aside', as Zacharias said, then he would like me to truly disappear. He would like me to essentially never be seen again.''
``If you'd asked me that a few days ago, I would have said yes, but now that I'm here and struggling to hold it together, I'm not so sure. I think I was just pushing it down without\ldots I don't know, redirecting it or dealing with it.''
``Thus the assassination attempt,'' Ioan said.
She nodded. ``Alright. I want to come back to that, but I interrupted your overview. Can you tell me what else happened?''
``Yes. He wanted me to disappear and build up a little bit of mystery because then he would be able to be publicly seen mourning, \emph{et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam},'' she continued, rolling her eyes. ``The usual nonsense, I mean. I do not think his plans B through M will be any different. They will all involve me no longer being a part of this and in such a way as to make him come out feeling the victor.''
``Right. So, through some strange turn of events, both True Name and May wound up overflowing at the same time. True Name is staying at another private sim we know and May's at home while I'm here. All of this hit a few days back when May and True Name had a conversation that left both of them drained, and then True Name had to deal with a merge large enough that she collapsed.''
``And I'm assuming you'd like to avoid that if possible.''
``Not May Then My Name\ldots{}'' Sarah hazarded, frowning.
``Him feeling like the victor? Yes. I really do mean that I would need to disappear in his definition of victory. I would be effectively dead, if not actually. I would be restricted in who I would be able to speak to, I would have to remain out of public sims, and so on. He would not ask me to retire. Disappear.'' She hesitated, swirled the last of her coffee in the bottom of her mug, and added, ``At least, that is what I would do. It would mean less attack surface for the reactive elements we have been tracking.''
``No.~Another cocladist, though.''
``And your plan would, what, subvert that?'' May asked. ``I have a suspicion I know what it is, but I would like to be sure.''
Ey saw comprehension dawn in her features, and that frown only deepened. She gestured for em to continue.
``I suspect you do, yes. I will offer him the option of me changing from what I was to such an extent that I will no longer be the True Name that either he or the System expects.''
``But\ldots well. So there's two things that I think fall out of this that I'd get the most out of talking about. The first is that I'm having a lot of complicated feelings surrounding True Name throughout this, and the second is that May did mention that she'd been considering merging down with her until the previous merge went so sideways.''
``Is this about me merging down, then?''
She looked down to the grass thoughtfully as they walked. ``Can you tell me about how you feel about the merge, first?''
She shrugged. ``I do not think that that is a requirement here, though that question was on my docket for the day. I suspect that I have already changed enough with End Waking's merger. I would just need to prove it to him somehow. That is where my plan ends, however.''
``I didn't really get the chance to ask her about why it was that she was considering merging. We promised to talk about it more, but after that, things happened pretty quickly. There's a weird sort of jealousy that goes along with it. May and I have built our own life completely independent of True Name. We bowed out of politics and writing these grand, System-spanning tales and focused on just being together. That's why I got into writing plays, I think: it was a way for me to do the things that felt comfortable for me that didn't involve being wrapped up in all these crazy goings-on.
Ioan sat back in eir chair, arms crossed as ey mulled it over. If she was right—and ey suspected that she was—then there would likely need to be a change in form and a change in name to go along with the change in attitude. After all, that's how Zacharias had gotten as far as he had, right?
``So we built our life together. True Name respected that, too. She would ask about me and May, and seemed earnestly happy that we'd gone and done something so\ldots normal.''
Ey couldn't picture her as anything other than a skunk or perhaps whatever version of Michelle she remembered, though, and certainly couldn't picture her named anything other than True Name. Would she also have to change her speech patterns? They weren't totally identifiable, but now that ey thought about it, even Zacharias had shared many of them. She was an Odist through and through—more so than any other ey'd met—and all of the forking and reinforcing that May had done to cement behavior and thought patterns didn't seem like something that she'd willingly undergo, either.
``Do you think she's envious of that?''
But perhaps that's what she'd meant by a sliver of a plan. They still had plenty of time to sort that out, at least, and perhaps she'd come up with a way that would actually work without changing herself so much that she'd cease being who she was.
Ey frowned and scuffed a heel through the grass. ``I don't know, honestly. Again, if you'd asked me a few weeks ago, I would have said probably not, that she's got her own things that make her happy which don't involve putting on plays or poking fun at each other. Now, though, I'm not so sure. This whole thing about the merge adds another layer onto that, because suddenly, True Name would have all of those memories.''
All the same, ey wasn't sure that her simply incorporating End Waking was quite the type of change that Jonas would appreciate. She acted different, spoke different, and ey was sure she felt different about her work than she had, but eir suspicion was that Jonas didn't want anything left of her that could possibly be of any threat to his power. Her incorporating End Waking's extreme distaste for the politics of the System might be enough, it might not be, but that was a big risk to take.
``Does it bother you that she would have the memories, or are you worried about her having those emotions? Do you worry she'd start feeling about you the way that May Then My Name does?''
Ey'd apparently been silent long enough that the two skunks had drifted off into their own conversation. At least ey hadn't been mumbling.
``Well, shit.'' Ey groaned. ``I didn't even think about that. Like, we've talked about what her having memories of loving me would mean, but always past-tense. I didn't think about if she herself—she as True Name I mean—would pick up on exactly how May felt about me as well. I have no clue. Maybe on some level I do worry, though. I like the way May feels about me. We've talked about jealousy a few times, and it often comes up that she feels devoted to me. I'm really not sure how I'd feel having that come from another, never mind one that I have as complicated a relationship with as I do with True Name.''
``Welcome back, my dear,'' May said when ey leaned forward again to grab eir coffee.
``Does this tie in with the complicated feelings you mentioned, then?''
Ey grinned. ``Thanks. Was a nice trip. Don't mean to interrupt or anything, though.''
Ey bought emself some time to think about an answer by bending down to pluck a dandelion, twirling it between eir fingers. ``I guess I have to share one detail, which is that there was an attempt on her life back on Secession day.''
She shook her head. ``We were talking of changes.''
Sarah blinked and stopped up short. ``One moment,'' she said, then closed her eyes, her lips moving faintly in a non-vocalized sensorium message. Ey politely turned away. Finally, she caught eir attention once more. ``I checked in with the instance that's been meeting with True Name and she said that she received a message from her back on Secession day that sounded really panicked.''
``Any conclusions?''
``What was it about?'' ey asked. ``If you can share, that is.''
``Not particularly, no,'' True Name said. ``There are certain levels of change that I find unacceptable, is all.''
``Not the specifics, but she mentioned that True Name did cancel appointments for the foreseeable future with the promise to come back as soon as she could.''
``Right. I was thinking similar. It needs some work, but I can at least see where you're coming from with it.''
Ey nodded. ``Well, then yes, that'd be why. She's safe, at least. Staying with us means that no one can come after her without exposing themselves,'' ey said as reassuringly as ey could. Ey felt bad leaving out the fact that True Name wasn't in contact at all with either of them, but that felt like it was on the list of things ey couldn't share.
She nodded. ``I will continue to explore. When the time comes, I may ask for your help workshopping some ideas.''
``Has this changed how you feel about her, then?''
The conversation wound down from there, with True Name heading out to walk her prairie or poke around in the water or whatever it was that she was doing.
``I don't know if it's changed things, necessarily, so much as made me more cognizant of how I felt about her before. I think I mentioned around the time that it came up that we had a conversation about how she said that it was nice to just have a friend, and how I translated that as a friendly acquaintance that wasn't just another politician.''
As though inspired, May and Ioan both moved outside as well, claiming the bench swing on the balcony, sitting on it sideways and facing each other, legs all tangled up. The warmer spring weather ey'd brought about for May while she was overflowing had seemed appropriate once they'd returned, so ey'd left it for the time being. Perhaps ey'd get one more big snow in before letting spring proper settle in.
``And I called you out on the fact that you later said you thought of her more like a friendly coworker than anything.''
``What were things like back in 2155?'' ey asked.
Ey laughed. ``Right. Well, with all that's gone down, with how it felt to see her in danger and then to see her struggling with the ramifications of being cut off and the effects of the merge, I think I'm a lot more comfortable just calling her a friend. I don't think I'd feel like this if she were a `friendly coworker'.''
May tilted her head, blinking a cone of silence into place. ``When I merged last?''
``You have a far more complex relationship than what is implied by `friend'. It could just be a language thing, that that word implies a greater level of shared happiness than you have, but, confronted by how much you care about her in the context of what happened, you're bumping up against the broader definition of friend of someone you \emph{can} feel that much care for.''
Ey nodded. They fell into silence as they walked while Ioan took the time to process.
It certainly tallied, too. Even though May's overflowing had overshadowed it—reasonably so, given the importance of their relationship—ey'd been hit hard by True Name overflowing, as well. Seeing her struggling, upset and overwhelmed, having to claim that same solitude that End Waking did, touched on that care. The need to fix things was a symptom of that confusing sense of care, ey suspected, rather than just something isolated.
``I don't know if you were necessarily talking to me, but just in case you were, I'd agree with your assessment.''
Ey jumped at the sudden realization that ey'd said at least part of that out loud, then laughed. ``Sorry, I was mumbling, wasn't I? I've been doing that a lot lately. I was trying to keep that dialogue internal, but I appreciate the confirmation.''
She smiled. ``I suspected so. I'm used to it, now. So, before I continue, are you looking to work on disentangling this, some ideas for where to go next, or just talking?''
``I wouldn't turn down an idea or two, but I've already gotten a lot out of having the chance to talk through the emotional side. There are a few others in the loop that I've been able to talk with, but that's all been about logistics, or about May and True Name rather than myself.'' Ey sighed, adding, ``I was a mess when I first got here. Doesn't feel great to say, but I spent so much energy on them I kind of forgot to take care of myself.''
``That it doesn't feel great to say is a sign that you care deeply enough to not want to detract from that energy, so it's not a bad thing, but you do need to take care of yourself, yes.'' She looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, ``Alright. I know you said they're both currently overflowing, but what do you think about talking with each of them about how you're feeling about this?''
``Uh, well, I mean,'' ey stammered. ``I guess I should, yeah.''
``\,`Should'?''
``Right. Should statement. I'd like to, but they both feel kind of fraught. Talking with May about being friends with True Name has come up before but feels fraught with how they feel about each other, or at least felt about each other. Hell, I don't know how I'd tell True Name I care about her, either. And I don't particularly want to be the one to broach May merging down with True Name. That feels like a conversation they should start as cocladists.''
``They're complicated topics, and I'm not saying you \emph{must} talk about them, but it'll only help for the three of you to all be on the same page. It'd be a good exercise for you to be more active, as well.''
Ey nodded.
``I had just forked the third time. There had been more relationships, of course, ones that ended before I had the chance or need, but this was the third time that I had settled into something comfortable enough to let it last. I was crushed and not particularly excited about merging down, but I had not diverged quite as much by then.''
``You look like you're fading. Want to call it for now and then we can get in touch soon?''
``Not as much empathy?''
``Uh, yeah, probably,'' ey said. It was only just settling into evening, but the nap still had em out of sorts. ``Thank you, though. This was immensely helpful. I don't think any of us are in a position to hold to a schedule at the moment, given further complicated stuff going on behind the scenes, but I'll definitely be in touch when I can, and will nudge both of them to do the same.''
She laughed. ``Too much, perhaps. It took a while for me to settle on a comfortable amount.''
``Ioan.''
``Too \emph{much?} How on Earth did that work?''
Ey stopped up short, winced. ``Right, sorry. Not my job.''
``I was a fucking mess at all times. I cried at the drop of a hat.''
``Thank you,'' she said, grinning. ``I'll touch base with each of them, don't worry. One more tip before I go: take care of yourself. That whole golden rule thing applies to you, too, you know. Treat others well, but remember you still need to be treated well, too.''
``You still cry a lot,'' ey observed, then laughed when she poked at eir knee.
``Yes, well. I had attributed it at the time to simply being torn up over no longer being in a relationship. My fork was happy, I was heartbroken. In the end, though, I think that my goals were starting to drift from True Name's. I was diverging in more fundamental ways than either of us had expected.''
``And the next time she asked, you just said `no'?''
She nodded. ``She asked me to consider it, and then the topic simply never came up again. I think that she was already expecting to write me off after the merge in systime 31.''
``Did she wind up expressing her own emotions differently from that merge?''
She opened her mouth as if to reply, then closed it again, frowning. ``I was going to snap at you,'' she admitted. ``But you bring up a good point. She did, to some extent. What emotions she expressed, real or not, came more earnestly to her. She was more able to express empathy, even if it was still in a very True Name fashion. She did not accept my merges—or any of those from others in her stanza—as blithely as she did End Waking's.''
``I imagine the circumstances were a bit different,'' ey said. ``Why were you going to snap at me?''
``I thought you were going to ask me to merge down.''
Ey shrugged. ``I hadn't gotten that far in the thought process. Is it something you're still uncomfortable with?''
``I do not know, my dear. If you had asked me just then, I would have said no. If you had asked me five minutes before then, I would have said yes.'' She patted eir knee, smiling. ``But I will endeavor not to snap at you either way. How about you, though?''
``Much the same, I think. Your answer has me wondering, though, if she was more intentional about a merge like that, it could work. She could have some of your memories of emotions that she thinks might help while still respecting your privacy.''
``And that is why I did not snap at you. It is a good point, my dear. There is no need for her to have all of my memories wholesale, and with what memories and personality traits and whatever else goes along with a merge, she would hopefully wind up with a synthesis, as she says, rather than a replacement. She would still have all 226 years of being True Name, and all those years of being End Waking, just that she would also have some of me in there.''
``Is that something you could talk her through?''
She looked thoughtfully out into the yard, at the faint greening of the lilac branches. ``Perhaps, yes. We would have to be very deliberate about it, but it should be possible.''
Ey nodded, watching the skunk's gaze drift in and out of focus, the way she would occasionally chew on her lip when thinking. Watched, and thought about what such a synthesis would look like. There wouldn't be any concrete changes in eir partner, but what would this new restless, unsettled True Name look like with yet more memory heaped onto her? Ey knew ey could never know the whole of May and that ey was biased besides, but she seemed so much happier and more comfortable than her down-tree instance, even before End Waking's merger. More comfortable, feeling less of a need to dump all of her energy into forward motion. What would that look like with True Name?
Ey watched her think. Watched her and thought about how much ey loved her, watched and wondered if such a True Name would also sit and think and chew on her lip.
``Do you want to?''
May started from her own reverie. ``Hmm?''
``Regardless of the mechanics or how comfortable you are with it, is this something you'd even want to do?''
She nodded readily. ``Yes. That is the source of all this stress for me over the last few days. I want to, it is just the reality that is working against me.''
``Why?''
``Why do I want to?'' She laughed. ``Because I like who I am and I do not like who she is, but that does not mean I do not like what she can become. I want her to be happy and to feel love and to slow the fuck down for five minutes. I do not know for sure, and I acknowledge that there is a value judgment here, but I strongly suspect that these will only ever be good for her.''
Ey leaned forward enough to snag one of her paws and give it a squeeze. ``Guess we're of one mind on that, then. Or at least mostly so; you have a better sense as to what goes into the emotional side.''
She smiled gratefully and gave eir hand a squeeze. ``Well, when she returns, we can expand on our thoughts.''
They didn't have to wait long.
Shortly after they went back inside to pull together a snacky sort of lunch, True Name returned from her trip out in the prairie and bowed to them, saying, ``I have had some thoughts that I would like to run past you.''
``As have we,'' Ioan said, gesturing her to a chair. ``Good timing. What were you thinking?''
``It is perhaps more for May Then My Name to answer, though I will appreciate both of your input.''
The skunk nodded for her to continue.
``You have mentioned in the past that you forked to cement emotional patterns that led to your divergence. I think that I have wound up doing that to some extent, but only ever subconsciously. With how much specificity were you able to pick what it was that you were modifying?''
May glanced to Ioan, then shrugged. ``I worked in very small steps. I forked dozens of times to change very small things. Being deliberate about it made it essentially as fine-grained as I needed.''
``Alright. That helps quite a lot, actually. I was considering how much I might be able to change without losing who and what I am. If I can change some of my own habits, maybe the end result will still be something that I am happy with, but with enough difference to get Jonas off my back. I am not yet sure what those habits might be, but it is an option, at least. I have been trying to catalogue what it is about myself that can go, as it were.'' She smiled wryly, ``But yes, doing so deliberately is probably for the best.''
``That's actually what we had been talking about,'' Ioan said, looking to May for confirmation that it was alright to continue.
``A deliberate merge,'' she said, picking up from where ey'd left off. ``One that will keep us comfortable in our privacy while also giving you the opportunity to build upon what you are.''
``Really? That is not what I was expecting to hear.''
They both nodded.
There was a long silence, then. Both May and Ioan watched True Name as she stared up at the ceiling, unseeing.
``And you are okay with that, Ioan?''
Ey nodded. ``I think so. I don't wholly understand the mechanics of it, but you're the dispersionistas. I trust you two to have that covered.''
She nodded and looked to May.
``If you are alright working with me through the process, then I am okay with it.''
``Are you?'' Ioan asked.
True Name smiled lopsidedly. ``So long as I can fork beforehand just in case, why the hell not? I am already not what I was. There is already no going back.''
May scoffed and shook her head. ``\,`So long as you can fork'? Jesus, True Name. Of course you can fucking fork. 108 instances with daily reconciliation, and she asks if she can fork.''
They laughed.
``Well,'' True Name said, shrugging. ``Fuck it.''
``I'll certainly try.''