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\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{%
\chapter{Ioan Bălan—2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}}
\markboth{Ioan Bălan—2350}{}
\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center}
Of all that had happened over the past several weeks, Ioan was surprised to find that it had taken until now for literally anything to feel like it had been planned. Clearly none of them had planned on Jonas coming after True Name, but all of the decisions that had followed had been made on the spot. Snap decisions that had led to True Name moving into their house, to End Waking merging down, to the three of them all overflowing at once.
May arrived without any warning. She would usually ping either em or Douglas, giving them a few minutes to get out into the field and prepare for a pouncing.
All of those had been made under what felt like intolerable pressure, and it was only now that they had time enough to relax. There was an uneasy (and certainly temporary) truce between Jonas and True Name that had finally given them enough time to properly consider a decision instead of feeling compelled to make it right away.
This time, however, Ioan awoke before dawn to a small, furry form crawling into bed with em, whispering for em to scoot over. Some sleepy part of em remembered that Douglas had locked down the ACLs to all unannounced visitors shortly after ey'd arrived with the news.
Ey'd harbored a concern, one borne out of stress, that May might just merge down without talking further, but ey kept that to emself, doing eir level best to reason emself out of it. The last thing they needed at the moment was eir mind playing tricks on em.
All except May, apparently.
And she certainly didn't. In fact, she drew the negotiations that followed that first discussion out by nearly a week, putting lie to that concern. Much of these discussions took place between the two skunks as they walked out on True Name's prairie.
Ey shifted the pillow ey'd been hugging out of the way and held the covers up for her to squirm beneath them and fit herself comfortably against eir front, draping them back over them both as ey got eir arms around her. Ey was too tired to do anything other than mumble a quiet greeting, and she didn't seem all that keen on talking either, so they simply dozed with each other for another few hours.
At first, ey'd felt left out. After all, didn't ey also have boundaries to negotiate and concerns that needed addressing?
With the sun warming the far wall of the room, they woke slowly, May squirming around enough to face em so that she could press her nose to eirs.
After bringing this up with May, however, she had laughed and poked em in the belly, explaining, ``I do not mean to leave you out of anything, my dear. We are discussing elements of the past that kept me from merging down, and elements of the future of the relationship between me and her. You are not missing anything so important, but if you would like, I am happy to keep you apprised of the general content.''
``Good morning, my dear.''
``Given how anxious I've been, I'd appreciate that,'' ey had said. ``But no need to share anything private.''
``Morning, May. Surprised to see you here.''
And so now ey got updates on the conversations with sensitive or personal information held back.
She shrugged, nosed her way down beneath eir chin. ``I woke up early feeling well enough to come by, but did not want to wake you.''
They spent much of their time discussing various parts of May's life and how comfortable she'd feel sharing those through a merge, and if not, why not. Surprisingly, they also talked with End Waking several times, the third skunk of the stanza coming out to visit her prairie so that they could discuss the ramifications of their merge and how to be more thoughtful with May's.
``Or wait?''
That first meeting had been more silence than not, more walking and thinking and not looking at each other than anything. They paced back and forth along the bank of the river, then stared into the oxbow pond, each occasionally failing to start a conversation. They had greater success with subsequent meetings, but they were never comfortable.
``I missed you, Ioan, why would I wait?''
This wasn't to say that ey didn't have a chance to sit with them at times and discuss eir thoughts on the matter, of course.
Ey nudged at her snout with eir chin. ``Well, I missed you too, so it works out. Just surprised to see you here so soon.''
``Feelings are complex, Ioan,'' True Name explained as they sat around a low fire before her tent. ``If they are created by memories, then there is little that I can do to completely control how I might feel about something beyond picking and choosing the memories carefully. However, one can never be sure which memories may lead to which feelings. If they come from something more intrinsic to one's personality and thought patterns, then it is even more difficult to attempt to control them.''
``I am not feeling spectacular, but I am feeling well enough to not be alone. Now does not feel like a good time to be alone.'' She leaned back enough to smile at em, and though it was a little shaky and her face was still a mess, ey was pleased to see that it was earnest. ``Are you okay, though? I do not imagine it was the best of times for this to happen.''
Ey nodded. ``That much I can certainly understand. I trust that you'll be built up from your various histories rather than simply May's feelings tacked onto you.''
Remembering eir conversation with Sarah only two days back, ey checked the urge to refocus the conversation on her, instead saying, ``It was a little rough, yeah. I got in touch with Sarah and set up an emergency thing a few hours after I got here.''
``Yes. I cannot predict how I will feel about anything after this, much less you. Your relationship and existing boundaries will take precedence over whatever happens, though. I will respect that.''
``I am sorry, Ioan.''
Ioan bowed eir thanks.
``Hush, it's not on you. Plus, I canceled the last one, so it was good to catch up with her about what's going on, if only in very general terms. I guess I just kind of overflowed a little, myself. Everything's been so stressful the last few weeks and I didn't feel like I could do anything about it.''
``I have been wondering how your feelings toward Debarre have shifted,'' End Waking said.
``And did you come to any conclusions?''
``It is complex, not least of which because I accepted the whole of your merge so blithely. I will not be doing the same with May Then My Name's.''
``Not particularly, but you know how it goes,'' ey said. ``Talked a bit about next steps, at least, about how I should probably make sure that I take care of myself, too.''
He frowned.
She laughed. ``Yes, you should.''
``I am sorry,'' True Name said, shrugging helplessly. ``There is little that I could have done in the moment to avoid it, and there is certainly nothing that I can do now to fix it.''
They lay in silence for a few minutes, May simply relaxing in eir arms while ey tried to decide how much else to share from the impromptu appointment.
May dipped her muzzle and apologized as well, saying, ``I do feel bad about how that worked out, no matter how much you tell me it is okay.''
\emph{She's here and we have time, might as well,} ey thought
``It is not okay,'' End Waking said, then hastened to add when his cocladist flinched away, ``It is what we have to work with, and it is perhaps what the moment called for.''
``We also talked about your thoughts on merging down. Don't want to overwhelm you, though, if you're not up for talking about that.''
May nodded, still cowed.
``I was going to bring it up later, myself. I have had further thoughts.''
``I am of two minds,'' True Name said. ``I remember having loved Debarre. I remember still loving him, and perhaps even I, even True Name, still love him in some roundabout way. However, I am what I am, and that is a being of two minds. That of me which is you, End Waking, loves him, and that of me which is True Name, respects him from a distance, respects his distaste for me, that feeling I engendered to minimize his impact within the council by making it purely emotional, as uncomfortable as it was to do so.''
``Shall you go first, or I?''
``The same as you did with me and Codrin?'' Ioan asked. ``With the History, I mean.''
``You, please.''
She nodded. ``It was-- it felt like a necessity at the time. I am not some cold, unfeeling bitch, it is just that my drive and my abilities, such as they are, outweigh—or at least outweighed—those feelings. I worked to distance myself from them.''
Ey nodded. ``Alright. It wound up being more about jealousy than anything, and what it was that I was actually feeling protective of when it came to the idea. Some of it is the fact that we've built a pretty good life together, and it took a lot of work. I'm not sure how I feel about her having the memories of that.''
``I remember so little of that,'' May said.
``End Waking said much the same, that he had put all his effort into his penance and that he would like her to come by that through her own work.''
True Name shrugged. ``As you intentionally moved towards feeling, I worked to contain and compartmentalize it within myself after you came into being. I became a being of negative commandments. I lived the 'shalt not's while you performed your \emph{mitzvot} of loving and caring.''
``Pretty similar, yeah. I'd be really happy for her if she built a life that included the happiness and comfort outside of work that we have, but a large part of me wants her to come by that honestly. The other bit that Sarah brought up was whether or not I was worried that her incorporating your memories of us together would lead to her feeling about me the way you do.''
May sighed.
There was a long silence after that. Ey did eir best to quell eir impatience. With how much the topic had been weighing on em over the last few days, ey desperately wanted to hear her side of it, as well.
``I will not say that I am proud of it, my dear, but neither will I say that I regret it. It is what it is specifically because I was what I was.''
Finally, she said, ``I have been thinking about that quite a bit since the topic came up, but only from my point of view. I did not think about how it might feel for you, for which I apologize.''
``Perhaps you will learn from your merge,'' End Waking said.
Ey shook eir head. ``You've had a lot going on. What thoughts did you have on it, though?''
``Perhaps. Perhaps it will become a part of me, perhaps it will live within me alongside that of you and that of True Name.''
``I have also been trying to pick apart my jealousy. I have said in the past that I am not opposed to you finding companionship with others, whether romantic or sexual or whatever. I am starting to think, though, that that would only apply to a type of companionship that does not overlap with what you and I have. I want nothing more than for you to feel fulfilled, my dear, and if that means finding fulfillment for the areas that I do not cover, I would only ever be pleased.'' She sighed, thought for a moment longer, and then continued more quietly, ``For someone to feel about you \emph{precisely} what I do, even if it is tempered by other memories, is too close to the devotion that I am most protective of.''
``Still feeling fractured?'' Ioan asked.
``Have you changed your mind on merging?''
``I am of two minds, Ioan. I do not know if I will feel\ldots I do not know. I am not comfortable speaking further on this just yet.''
``I do not know, Ioan. I go back and forth on the issue and at the moment, rather more back than forth.'' She giggled, licked at eir chin, adding, ``Or forth than back. The metaphor fails.''
They spent the rest of the night in quiet, May leaning against eir side while True Name and End Waking spoke quietly about the plain and the forest.
``You took that one a bit far, yeah,'' ey said, laughing. ``But I think I'm too tired to talk about this much more. Did you have coffee before coming over?''
Finally, though, a week to the day after the decision had been made, Ioan awoke to find May and True Name already sitting at the table, speaking earnestly in a cone of silence. Once they noticed em, True Name waved it away and May grinned, saying, ``Sorry, my dear. We did not want to wake you.''
``I did not. If you make me a cup, I will love you forever.''
Ey poured emself a cup of coffee before joining them. ``Appreciate it. Hope I'm not interrupting.''
Ey nudged her out of bed so that ey could get up as well, saying, ``I thought you were going to do that anyway, but I guess a cup of coffee is a small price to pay.''
True Name shook her head. ``We are discussing our plan for the day.''
Douglas had beaten them to the coffee pot, which made the process all the easier.
Ey bought emself a moment by taking a sip of coffee. ``Is today the day, then?''
``Hey, May,'' he said, returning the offered hug and kissing her cheek. ``Figured that was you this morning. Feeling better?''
``May Then My Name thinks so, but we were also waiting for you to join us to make sure.''
She nodded and slumped down into a chair, cradling her coffee in both paws. ``Mostly, yes. I am still below baseline, but it was more important that I see you two than to return all the way.''
``Well, if it were solely up to me, I'd just spin my wheels worrying about it until we ran out of time, so I suppose I'm alright with it. What all will go into it?''
``Well, glad to see you made it through.''
``Well,'' True Name began, a fork appearing next to her. ``First I fork and she will head to the tent.''
``You will not quit me so easily, Douglas Hadje, doctor of incredibly boring things. How are you, though? Has Ioan caught you up on everything?''
The new instance of True Name bowed. ``Then the perilous path was planted, And a river and a spring On every cliff and tomb,'' she said before waving goodbye and padding back out through her room.
``I think so, yeah. Ey, Debarre, and End Waking did. Assassins, mergers, Jonas being terrible, Zacharias. Did I miss anything?''
Ioan stared after the departing skunk and shook eir head. ``You guys are so weird.''
She shook her head. ``That is the whole of it, I think. We continue to be dramatic about everything we do.''
They both laughed.
He laughed. ``I mean, not going to deny that, but I'm also going to put a large part of this on Jonas, rather than you all.''
``Then we will set up a space for me to rest in the meantime,'' True Name continued. ``And then I suppose that is all there is to it. May Then My Name will fork and quit and I will process the merge.''
``Do you have any thoughts on it?''
``And your fork is just there in case something goes wrong?''
``Besides the fact that you're all nuts?''
``Or if the result is not acceptable.''
``Yes, well, that is indisputable. I would merge down with you if I could to give you a taste of it, but alas, it does not work that way.''
``\,`Not acceptable'?''
Douglas lifted his cup in a toast. ``For which I'm grateful. It sounds like a nightmare.''
``If the merge does not go well or if I wind up being unable to work as I would like.''
``Yes, yes. Such is the life of an Odist.''
``Or if all of my emotions get overwhelming,'' May added. ``Since I do rather have a surfeit.''
``Beyond that, though, I don't know, I don't want to lose any of you. I don't have the history with True Name that you guys do, so all I've just been thinking of her in terms of Michelle and Sasha.''
Ioan leaned over and ruffled a hand over the skunk's ears. ``Yeah, you definitely do.''
``You've been talking to Debarre too much,'' Ioan said. ``\,`Michelle and Sasha', I mean.''
``Yes, yes, and you love me for it.'' She laughed and pushed eir hand away, straightening the mussed up fur. ``Breakfast first, though, and then we can work from there.''
Douglas's face fell. ``I never got to meet her, but from what everyone's said, it sounds like the split was pretty evident.''
After another Scandinavian-style breakfast, the three of them re-organized True Name's room. The bed was set in a corner instead of up against one wall, allowing a collection of pillows to be placed against the walls in case she wanted to lean against them or organize them into a nest.
``It was,'' May said. ``While I do not speak of her that way, Debarre is not wrong to do so.''
``Are you sure you don't want to set up something out in the prairie?''
``Why not?''
``I did consider it, but May Then My Name talked me out of it, stating that she would like to be at hand without having to spend all of her time out there, herself. Besides, if I learned one thing from End Waking merging down, it was that the less I have to think about my body, the easier it is to focus on my mind. Comfort will only ever help.''
The skunk shrugged and lapped at her coffee. ``Back when I was her, I did not think of myself that way. True Name did not think of herself that way. I know Hammered Silver does, and I am sure that others do as well. It is accurate, enough. Both can be true at once.''
They also supplied her with ready water, juice, and a few comforting snacks on one of the bedside tables so that she wouldn't have to get up just to go to the kitchen.
``I wonder what would happen if all of you were able to merge back down into one instance again,'' he mused. ``Would that get close to being her?''
Another beanbag was added by the bed, in case she requested that they stay in there for any length of time, and a more comfortable bench-swing was added to the balcony in case she needed to go outside but wasn't feeling up to walking down to the prairie itself.
May fell silent, looking out the window at the fields over the rim of her mug.
It felt like rather a lot of preparations to make just for a merge, but then May had last merged down 83 years before ey had uploaded—nearly 64 before ey'd even been born—and after seeing how intense End Waking's merge had been, none of them felt up to cutting any corners and having to rush comfort after the fact.
Finally, though, there was nothing left to do, no further preparations to be made that weren't just stalling, so May took eir hand to hold em still so that ey'd quit pacing.
``I don't even know why I'm fretting so much, I'm not even the one merging.''
True Name smiled faintly and shrugged. ``I am fretting too, do not worry.''
``It is a big event,'' May added. ``It will be an even bigger merge and, while it may be more comfortable than End Waking merging down as she has said, it will be no less complex.''
Ey sighed and nodded, squeezing her paw before tugging eir hand free. ``Right. I'll relax and leave you to the rest of it.''
``Please stay, Ioan,'' True Name said quietly.
``Stay?''
``Yes. Please stay. I do not think it will be dramatic, but, well\ldots{}'' She hesitated and frowned. ``You are a grounding person. Is that not what my counterpart on Castor said about Codrin? I appreciate your presence.''
Ey considered any number of responses ey could give before just nodding. If nothing else, ey didn't want to hold either of the skunks up from what would most certainly affect both of them more than it would em.
May forked and the new instance climbed up onto the bed with True Name, the two skunks kneeling, facing each other, amid all the blankets and pillows.
%\AddToHookNext{shipout/after}{\includepdf[pages={1},noautoscale=true,fitpaper=true]{assets/merge}}
Both Ioan and True Name watched as the down-tree instance of May scrubbed her paws over her face vigorously for a moment, gave a shaky wave, and then quit. True Name winced and screwed her eyes shut, and the May who had knelt with her on the bed reached out and took the skunk's paws in her own.
``Go ahead.''
It was still another ten seconds or so before True Name managed to relax enough to permit the merge to progress, and even then the only visual indication was a slow slump of her shoulders and a relaxing of the muscles of her face.
Ioan stuffed eir hands in eir pockets and did eir best to feel rooted to where ey stood, hoping against hope that ey could keep from pacing. May watched True Name carefully, eyes searching her features for what ey could not tell. She seemed almost frozen, breathing shallowly despite the relaxed set of her features.
And ey stood and watched them both.
The three of them stayed like that for nearly five minutes—two skunks kneeling on the bed while ey watched from beside it—before True Name moved again.
``Oh\ldots oh, I cannot\ldots{}'' she whispered, and started to sag over to one side.
May shushed her quietly and helped her to lay out on her side before settling down with her. They curled together, still facing each other, nearly snout to snout and still holding paws.
Ey stood and watched. Then ey sat on the beanbag and watched. Watched and waited, though ey wasn't sure what for.
It was more than an hour before May forked beside em, took eir hand, and led em from the room. Neither of the skunks on the bed had moved or made a sound other than May asking True Name if she was okay at one point and the other skunk shaking her head.
Once the door was shut behind them, May let out a shaky sigh and padded over to the kitchen. ``That was very hard.''
``Why, do you think?'' ey asked.
She took a moment to pour herself a glass of water before replying. ``I want to be here with you, and I also want to be in there with her, and I also want to go back in time and tell her I do not want to merge, and I also want to go back in time and merge instead of End Waking, and\ldots a-and\ldots{}''
``Come here, May.''
She clutched the water to her chest with both paws, stumbling blindly around the kitchen counter so that ey could guide her to the beanbag.
She sat down and let Ioan rub her back. Only once she could manage a sip or two of water, she said, voice hoarse, ``Did I fuck up, Ioan?''
Ey was still teasing apart the day—or perhaps the last month—but all the same, ey did eir best to respond to what ey suspected lay beneath the surface of the question. ``Do you think she resents you for not just letting her be True Name?''
May whined and set the water glass aside, shifting on the beanbag until she could rest her head on eir thigh. ``I worry that the real reason she wanted to do this was because there is no going back to who she was. One of those `fuck it, burn it all down' situations.''
``There could be some of that, but is that so bad?''
``I do not know,'' she mumbled.
``Can you imagine her being okay staying as True Name and being all cooped up for the rest of eternity?''
She snorted. ``God, no. I think she would lose it.''
``Same, yeah. She'd probably try to pull a Dear or something.''
``And hate every minute of it. You heard her, she likes who she was and all that she did. I cannot imagine her letting that go.''
Ey nodded and combed eir fingers through the fur on the nape of her neck. ``So she'll be left with a complex view of that—or, well, a couple of them, I guess—maybe enough for her to change how she moves through the world. Think it'll be enough for Jonas?''
The skunk rolled until her face was nearly pressed against eir belly to let em pet. ``I do not know,'' she mumbled. ``I do not think even she knows.''
``I do not know,'' she said eventually. Her voice sounded far away, older than Ioan had ever heard it sound before. ``I wish I did, but I do not know.''