Updates with 2023/2024 edits

mitzvot/content/032.tex

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-Debarre was still mostly full from dinner at home, but he had a few bites of fish forked from End Waking's plate. Tasty, but, as always, lacking in salt.
+\hypertarget{ioan-bux103lan-2350}{%
+\section{Ioan Bălan --- 2350}\label{ioan-bux103lan-2350}}
 
-After they ate, End Waking tasked Debarre with washing off the plate while he tucked another small log into the stove and started the kettle for tea, which they shared while sitting on the step at the entrance to the tent, keeping the last of the spring chill away.
+The next following passed in relative peace, with both Odists slowly leveling back out to their baseline moods.
 
-``So, my political junkie friends aside, do you have a better idea of what's going on with Jonas and company?''
+Or, at least, May leveled out to her baseline mood. There still seemed to be some internal struggle within True Name. It wasn't that she was having to step away to sulk or getting caught in anger as she had been when she had begun to overflow, but that the conflicts were still showing in long silences that would sometimes take her in the middle of conversations, especially when the topic of meeting with Jonas came up.
 
-End Waking shrugged. ``A little, perhaps. I think it is this upcoming audio-video tech. I do not think he wanted--''
+``I am not even sure if it is conflicts at this point,'' she admitted when ey brought it up. ``Or, well, I do not think it is conflicting memories any longer. Those have been integrated, by this point. I am experiencing conflicts in expectations. I feel doubled, as though there are two of me watching the same conversation and each would like to act in a different way.''
 
-``Moment,'' Debarre said, holding up a paw while he sent a hasty message back home. ``Sorry. We'd been guessing at that, just sent a confirmation. Done now.''
+``Are they not working together?'' May asked.
 
-``Please do not act on it yet, my dear.''
+True Name leaned back against the couch and stared out the picture windows into the yard for a few minutes as she thought. ``Perhaps not, no,'' she said at last. ``It is difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. They are arguing, in a way. Each is strident in their belief, and some higher part of me will occasionally get stuck trying to get them to just settle down and fucking agree on a course of action or the next sentence or whatever it may be.''
 
-So serious was the skunk's tone that Debarre set down his mug and turned to face him. ``I won't, but you gotta tell me why.''
+Ioan nodded, saying, ``Sort of like Michelle and Sasha?''
 
-``I am going to be at this meeting. I should probably not even know about their AVEC, but I do because of True Name.''
+She shook her head. ``No, not quite like that, thankfully. There are some similarities --- the sense of there being two parts of me, the internal split --- but it is lacking the dire nature, whatever it was that made her completely helpless before the duality of her self. It is still something that I have some visibility into. I can respond as True Name would or as End Waking would, but I am still just me, and I am learning to unify those natures. I will perhaps never be singular, but I will doubtless unify into a synthesis before long. Just not yet.''
 
-``And given you and I, there's probably only one place I'd get it,'' he guessed and, when the skunk nodded, sent another message back home. ``You sure this place is secure, then? And you're sending a fork, right?''
+May fiddled with eir sweater vest from where she lay against em. ``I will admit that, for a while there, I was considering merging down with you before I saw how poorly End Waking's merge went.'' After the silence stretched out, she laughed nervously, adding, ``Sorry, I suppose that is a pretty awkward thing to say.''
 
-``Yes and yes.''
+``It is okay, May Then My Name,'' True Name said, smiling reassuringly. ``A large part of me wishes that you had rather than End Waking, if I am honest. I understand why you did what you did, and I think on an intellectual level I agree with it, but on a personal level, I would much rather be integrating your memories than his.''
 
-``Good.''
+She winced. ``That bad?''
 
-End Waking smiled. ``I know that you do, but it is always pleasing to have confirmation that you think so much of me, Debarre.''
+``Uncomfortable,'' the other skunk corrected. ``I do wish perhaps that I had been able to fork or that I had been more cautious with the merge, but if I wanted to remain comfortable, I would have pushed back when you urged me to accept.''
 
-``Of course I do,'' he scoffed. ``But I interrupted, sorry. You were saying?''
+``What about May's merge would've been easier?'' Ioan asked.
 
-``Right. With this AVEC technology, I think that Jonas sees an opening to edge True Name out. I do not know why, but she mentioned something about a diversity of governance across Systems. I do not agree with him on this. I think he is playing a dangerous game by treating each of the Systems so differently. Each System treating itself as a separate country is one thing, but potentially destabilizing them by forcing upon each a different form of governance feels like him treating politics as his personal plaything. I do not like it.''
+``Again, easier does not feel like the correct word. It would have been more comfortable. I would have understood the resentment that others feel for me, if that was indeed a goal, but it would not be the defining factor of the merge.''
 
-The longer End Waking spoke, the deeper Debarre's frown got. ``Yeah, ever since they set up that Guiding Council thing over on Pollux, we've been wondering about that. It sounds innocuous enough. Reasonably close to the Council of Ten over on Artemis, I guess, at least on the surface. Just folks you can go talk to about disagreements and mediation. That part was inoffensive, but that they would even do such a thing in the face of the \emph{History} is just wild.''
+``End Waking has mentioned that he defined himself by not being you, yeah.''
 
-End Waking shrugged. ``You know more than I on that end. I do not keep up with either LV beyond what you and Ioan care to pass on. There are messages from the clade, but you know my feelings on them.''
+She nodded. ``So I have learned. The self-loathing that falls out of that rests just this side of overwhelming at times. Perhaps that is why it is proving to be such a project to settle into something resembling a singular nature again. I imagine, given that May Then My Name has defined herself through something unique to her rather than some aspect of her relation to me, it would feel strange, but not so uncomfortable. Do correct me if I am wrong, though, my dear.''
 
-``Mmhm.'' Debarre hesitated, then added, ``Though if you do wind up going through them and come across any juicy details about those politics you don't care about, you could always share them with me.''
+May shook her head.
 
-He laughed and shook his head. ``Should my life become so boring, you will have more to worry about, my love. I am better at being a pest than you give me credit for.''
+``Well, besides,'' Ioan added. ``She's certainly merged down way more recently than End Waking did.''
 
-``Fine. I'll just get them from May Then My Name.''
+True Name tilted her head.
 
-``You will have to put up with her ceaseless flirting.''
+``Ioan,'' May said quietly. ``Do you remember when you were working on the \emph{History} and I said that I was worried that you would be upset with me?''
 
-Debarre grinned. ``I'm pretty well used to it by now. You're really going to go to this thing, though?''
+Ey frowned, nodded.
 
-End Waking nodded, chewing on a mouthful of tisane-bits. ``Yes.''
+``And do you remember how Dear told Codrin that the temptation to lie would be great?''
 
-``Why, though? Isn't that gonna be dangerous? Never mind totally outside your interest. It'll all be politics.''
+``What did you say to em, May Then My Name?''
 
-The skunk was a long time in answering, staring out into the forest and listening to the far-away rush of the waterfall. ``There is what Jonas hopes to accomplish and what I hope to learn. Jonas, I think, would like to gloat. He would like it known that he can loop even me into his plans. He would like even me, even the recluse, scared so that he may use me as a lever over True Name if she is to come out of this alive.''
+May sighed and brushed her paws up over her head. ``I said that I was working as launch coordinator to remain more in line with your expectations so that I could merge back down after the project was over, that we tried to do so every few decades.''
 
-``And me.''
+A silence stretched out once more.
 
-``And you, yes. I do not doubt that even he knows what you are up to these days, though I do not know to what extent.'' He poked around in his mug to hunt down the last of the gooseberries. ``I am pleased that you are so careful. I worry about you.''
+Eventually, Ioan reached up to tug at one of her ears gently. ``Skunks are so complicated.''
 
-Debarre sat, silent. The comment all but demanded silence from him, so rare was any expression of worry from his boyfriend.
+She let out a pent up breath as a laugh. ``I know. I am sorry. I am sorry to both of you. I believed it to be a small untruth that would never come up, much less be challenged. I wanted my relationship with True Name to seem simpler than it was to keep you feeling comfortable. I hoped that that would keep you from digging into my past. Fat load of good that did.''
 
-``I will be going because if this is to be the end of True Name then it will be a step towards letting go. It will be an in for me to become independent. If I am to move beyond that which defines me, I would like to know how.''
+``When was the last time you merged down, then?''
 
-``Still thinking of cutting your ties? Dropping the clade name?''
+``2155,'' True Name said. ``Longer ago than the last time End Waking merged down. It was not acrimonious, she simply declined my next request for a merger and the conversation never came up again.''
 
-End Waking shrugged. ``Would that be so bad? May Then My Name would become simply a friend, rather than a cocladist. True Name would become someone I know rather than a down-tree instance. I do not speak with the others. Serene, perhaps? But even then, it has been many years. It would not change my relationship with you. The forest will not care if I am an Odist or if I am not. To it, I am called Nobody, and when I die and moulder beneath the roots, then it will say that it feasts on Nobody.''
+Ey laughed. ``Really, \emph{really} complicated.''
 
-Debarre sighed. Hearing End Waking talk so much was a rarity, but that the death-thoughts were still there meant it'd be a while yet before he'd be allowed back to stay.
+``I am glad you are not angry, my dear,'' May said, leaning up to dot her nose against eir cheek.
 
-``And AwDae? The Name?'' he asked. As he always did when Debarre said their friend's name, the skunk stiffened, hunched his shoulders, and drew his hood up over his head. All the same, he'd made it a point to say it at least once per visit. There had been a row the first few times, but he'd won on the point that AwDae had been his friend, too.
+``It seems more silly than anything, but I can see your reasons for doing so, in retrospect. Certainly silly in comparison to the last few weeks.''
 
-``I do not know, Debarre. That is, I think, the one thing that I will ever defer to True Name on.''
+``Very.'' May turned her gaze back to True Name and said, ``I have my apprehensions about merging, though. \emph{We} have our apprehensions, I mean. After watching what happened with End Waking's merge, it all felt so much more complicated.''
 
-He snorted. ``Really?''
+``I do not know,'' she said, voice distant. ``I said that I understand your reasons for what you did. You wanted me to change, you said, to be other than I am. You want me to be able to approach Jonas in some new way that will hopefully allow me to come out the other side with fewer assassins on my tail, yes?''
 
-``If she, of all of us, were ever to feel comfortable speaking it, talking about em, then I will know that this embargo will have been lifted.''
+May nodded.
 
-``Well, fair,'' the weasel said, finishing his tea before handing the mug back to End Waking to let the skunk snack on the remnants. He'd never really enjoyed them enough to do so himself. ``I'm happy for you, you know that?''
+``And I also think I understand your reasons for wanting to merge down. It would make me understand your relationship to me in a very real way, and would make me all the more complete a person in your eyes, yes?''
 
-End Waking laughed, swallowing the spent lemon balm and mint he'd been chewing. ``Happy?''
+Another nod.
 
-``Yeah. Like\ldots{}'' Debarre trailed off, hunting for words. ``I've never seen you move forward so much all at once. Or at all, really. Like, it's not a bad thing to have a life that you're happy with, but watching you work on the things you \emph{weren't} happy with is nice to see. Kinda glad May Then My Name talked you into the merge, honestly.''
+``I am amenable to both of those, though perhaps my reasons differ. But, May Then My Name, coming at this with both full knowledge and as an open conversation has me feeling more positive than perhaps you do,'' she said, voice having lost its thoughtful edge. ``You are a fundamentally good person and that is not something that I take lightly. You work on such a small scale and I have spoken against that in the past, but\ldots well, a threat on one's life is a pretty good way to make one realize that the small scale is still important.''
 
-``It has brought me a lightness, yes. She is meddlesome, but kind-hearted.''
+``But Ioan and I--''
 
-``You're telling me. She gave me rules of engagement when I first showed up. Thought she was being weird, but they worked pretty well.''
+``I would have full knowledge of your apprehensions as well, would I not?'' She held up her paws, smiling. ``I am not trying to talk you into it, my dear, and I would still like to hear those apprehensions regardless, I am simply explaining that, given this shitty fucking month, you merging down does not at all sound bad. I am already not what I was. There is no going and there is no back.''
 
-``She is a brat.''
+Ioan realized ey'd settled back into observing mode, simply watching silently. Not what ey was supposed to be working on. Ey shook emself back to the present and said, ``My apprehensions mostly boil down to the fact that the merge would include May and I's entire relationship. The memories are one thing, and there are some that are pretty intensely personal, but I worry you'd also risk winding up with the feelings that resulted from the formation of those memories.''
 
-Debarre laughed. ``You all are. But hey, I should get going.''
+True Name nodded.
 
-The slight sag in End Waking's shoulders spoke of relief. He nodded, saying, ``Of course. Thank you for the chance to talk.''
+Ey took a deep breath, trying to bolster eir courage with it. ``This last month has made me realize how much I care about you and your well-being. I like you, True Name, but I'm really hesitant about what you having memories of loving me would mean, if that makes sense.''
 
-``You'll let me know when you're going out to this meeting, right?''
+``And you, May Then My Name? We do not need to go too far into them, but if it is to be a discussion, I would like to at least have these thoughts laid out for perusal.''
 
-``Of course.''
+She was a long time in responding. ``I am with Ioan on this, in that I am protective of my devotion to em. It\ldots is difficult to say this so openly, but I am also coming to terms with just how complex my feelings about you are after the events of the last month, and the root of resentment that led to me urging End Waking's merge on you is no longer there, or at least no longer quite so simple. It is no longer aimless hatred, however justified it may have felt. I will ever be myself, so I am uncomfortable pushing yet more resentment and difficulties on you. I do not want to hurt you.''
 
-``And you promise you'll send a fork?''
+The longer May spoke, the more thoughtful True Name's expression became. She slouched down on the couch, until her head was resting against the back cushions. ``I am not sure what to say to this just yet.''
 
-``I will.''
+``We've been thinking about it for days. You've had, what, twenty minutes?''
 
-``And call if you need?''
-
-``Debarre, shut up,'' End Waking said, patting his knee. ``Go. I will keep you up to date.''
-
-``Okay, okay, I'm going.'' He gave the skunk's paw a squeeze and grinned. ``Love you.''
-
-``Love you too.''
-
-Debarre quit, rather than bothering with stepping back home. The pile of experiences caught his down-tree instance in the middle of a sentence—thankfully something unimportant—and he had to spend a minute reconciling the memories with the ones he'd made since.
-
-``Well, that was interesting.''
-
-``Fuck,'' user11824 said. ``I was worried you'd say something like that.''
-
-He laughed. ``You're right to worry. Shit's gonna get really weird here. Life'll get both more and less simple real quick.''
+She laughed and nodded to em. ``Yes, of course. There is much to think about.''