Updates with 2023/2024 edits
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Madison Scott-Clary
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\hypertarget{debarre-2350}{%
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\chapter{Debarre — 2350}\label{debarre-2350}}
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\markboth{Debarre — 2350}{}
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When Debarre received the ping from End Waking, he quickly excused himself from dinner and dashed out into the back yard to respond. The last time he'd received a message in the middle of a period of overflowing, it had been when the skunk's leg had been impaled on a branch, so he hoped against hope that it wasn't the entire tent washing away in a flood this time. It was getting on in spring—still a bit early for floods, but one never knew\ldots{}
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``E.W.?'' he said. ``What's up? You okay? Is the tent?''
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``The tent is fine, my dear,'' he replied. ``I apologize if I interrupted, but I have some news regarding May Then My Name, Ioan, and True Name, and you requested that I message you. Besides, I need to speak about it with someone other than them. Someone not an Odist.''
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He frowned down to the lawn, kicking at a tuft of crabgrass. ``Well, if you're getting in touch, I'm assuming it's urgent.''
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There was a sense of a sigh from the other end. ``I am sorry, Debarre.''
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``Fuck, I'm sorry, E.W. That came out way snarkier than intended. I understand. I only meant to ask if it was the type of thing where I should fork and come by right away.''
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``Please,'' End Waking said, sounding relieved. ``There is nothing to be done, but I am very impatient to speak with someone.''
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``You? Impatient?'' Debarre laughed. ``I'll be right over.''
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He forked off Debarre\#RelEW and watched him step from the sim, then spent another few seconds looking out into the yard, trying to remember the last time anything had been so important that it had required him leaving immediately. Something other than a tree falling on his boyfriend, that is.
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``Well, shit,'' he muttered, turning to head back inside. ``This is gonna be a mess.''
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\begin{center}\rule{0.5\linewidth}{0.5pt}\end{center}
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May's stint of overflowing only lasted two nights. Something about the change in context, though, about staying with Sasha instead of Douglas, made everything feel tenuous, delicate. Ioan found it difficult to sleep on the padded cot that she'd added to the tent, and eventually, she must have grown tired of hearing em toss and turn (and perhaps mumble to emself), for she sleepily climbed out of her own bed and into eirs, curling up with em after confirming that it was alright.
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Debarre\#RelEW was greeted by the sight of End Waking kneeling in the clearing across from May Then My Name.
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Unexpected, perhaps, but by then ey was too frustrated and exhausted to think of anything else. The added comfort certainly worked in getting em to sleep, to the point where ey slept in until a ray of sun, creeping slowly, fell across eir face and warmed em awake.
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``Oh, company,'' he said, frowning. ``Wasn't expecting two of you.''
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Sasha had apparently woken up earlier in the morning and snuck away, as there was a lukewarm cup of camp coffee sitting by the edge of eir bed and no skunk to be found.
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``You messaged\ldots wait, does that mean you are a fork?'' May Then My Name said, frowning at End Waking.
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Ah well, at least the coffee was good (if gritty) and ey felt better rested than ey had before.
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``It does, yes.''
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Ey met up with her at the shore of the lake where they talked for a bit, though it was clear that she was antsy to head out into the woods on her own, so ey eventually shooed her off, to which she bowed gratefully and said, ``My notes are on my desk. If you get bored, I would appreciate your feedback.''
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``I never knew you had it in you,'' she said, sounding proud. To Debarre, she said, ``Did this asshole tell you why I am here?''
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Ey spent the rest of the abbreviated day reading through what she'd written, making a mental list of ideas and suggestions to pass on to her when things were a little less hectic.
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He gave her a hug before sitting down with them. ``He said it had something to do with you, Ioan, and True Name, and that he needed to talk to a non-Odist. That's why I was surprised.''
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That night was much the same, with the two of them talking until it was well and truly dark, then settling into their own beds until sleeplessness led to them curling together in one.
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She grinned. ``You will have your chance, my dear. I will not be here long. I needed to step out for a moment, and figured I would catch End Waking up. I am happy to see you as well, though.''
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A ping from May shortly after sunrise woke em, and the jolt startled Sasha awake as well.
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``Happy to see you too. You're always welcome over to my place, too.''
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``Uh, sorry,'' ey mumbled, extricating eir arms from around her. ``May pinged.''
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``Of course, yes. This did involve End Waking, though, so alas, I could not go make you uncomfortable with my flirting.''
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Sasha levered herself up and squinted out into the orange and pink of dawn. ``How is she up before me?'' she grumbled.
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He shoved at the skunk, who giggled.
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``Probably because she got good sleep and I kept you up being a mope.''
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``Well, okay. What's up? You finally merge down?''
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She shrugged noncommittally, yawned. ``Slept well enough later on, at least. Did she say anything?''
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She blinked, looking startled. ``Yes, actually. How did you guess?''
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Ey shook eir head. ``No, just a ping. No real urgency, though. Surprised I didn't sleep through it.''
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``Ioan mentioned it when we talked last. How'd it go? Did she explode?''
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``You are appropriately keyed to her, dear. I would be surprised if you did.''
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``Not at all, no. Actually\ldots{}'' She shrugged, poking at the dirt with a twig. ``Actually, I am finding myself rather fond of her, now.''
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``Mm, fair enough,'' ey said, grinding the heels of eir palms against eir eyes. To May, ey sent a ping in response, plus a subvocalized, ``\emph{You okay?}''
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``Bullshit,'' he growled.
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``\emph{Better, yes,}'' came the reply. ``\emph{I am feeling quite bad about sending you off like that. Not about waking you up, though. You sound cute when you are groggy.}''
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``Debarre,'' End Waking murmured.
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Ey snorted, shook eir head. ``Yeah, she's fine,'' ey said.
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May Then My Name waved a paw. ``It is okay. You do not have to like her. You do not even have to interact with her. End Waking wanted you to know about some of the practical considerations, but neither of us are planning on swaying your opinion of her.''
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Sasha surprised em by joining em on the trek back to the house, saying only, ``I have been worried, as well.''
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He frowned and leaned back on his palms. ``Sorry. I guess I'm just worried about you. She's not exactly known for her openness and honesty without ulterior motives, so.''
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May greeted them at the balcony with steaming mugs of coffee. She declined a hug, stating that she felt gross, but did at least press her nose to Ioan's, and then to Sasha's cheek.
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She smiled wanly. ``No, she is not. A fact I have not forgotten. Needless to say, I merged down, and she is making plans to meet up with Jonas, now.''
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``Thank you for giving me some space,'' she said. ``I was not expecting the both of you, but I am happy to see you two all the same.''
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``That falls more in line with practical concerns,'' he conceded. ``And Jonas still wants both of you there?''
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``Of course, May. I'm just happy to see you doing better. Or happier, at least. You look a mess.''
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``As far as I know, yes,'' End Waking said. ``I have spoken with True Name several times over the last few weeks and she has a plan of sorts. I do not know how successful it will be, but it is better than nothing.''
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She scoffed and gestured a paw down at herself. ``I look perfectly fine, thank you very much.''
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``Wait, \emph{you've} been talking with her, too?''
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``You look a mess, dear,'' Sasha confirmed. ``You need a shower, a change of clothes, and perhaps another four hours of sleep.''
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``Yes.''
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May sighed, nodded. ``I do at that. All the same, the wave has crested and gone, and now perhaps I can relax enough to do so. Coffee first, though.
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He shook his head. He could already feel his hackles up, and this wasn't helping. ``Can't fucking believe it.''
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They settled on deck chairs for Sasha's sake and focused on said coffee for a bit, watching the dawn. It was good to be back to coffee that didn't require straining out the occasional percolated ground through one's teeth.
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May Then My Name frowned, leaned over to hug him around the shoulders, and whispered, ``I am going to leave you to it, but first, remember who you were, who you are, and imagine who you will become. Let go, have fun, but above all, remember that you love him and that he loves you. Those are the rules of engagement.''
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``Are you two okay?'' May said at last.
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After a moment's hesitation, he returned the hug. Had she said it in anything less than her most earnest voice, he might have scoffed, but as it was, he could see himself falling for the gentle manipulation as though from a meter above. He could resent her, but she had said exactly what it was that he needed to hear.
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``Tired, but that's easily fixed. Looking forward to a real bed tonight.''
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Because of course she had. She was May Then My Name Die With Me. She knew just how to. She was built to.
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Sasha poked at eir knee with a dull claw. ``The tent beds are not \emph{that} bad.''
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``You're such an asshole,'' he whispered back, then kissed her cheek to take any sting out of the words. ``I'll do my best. Now, shoo.''
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``No, they're fine, but they still pale in comparison to our bed.''
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She laughed and licked at one of his whiskerpads. ``Yes, yes.''
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``Well, yes, I will admit that.''
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After she leaned over to pat End Waking on the knee, she stood up and stepped out of the sim.
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May looked between the two, then laughed. ``I take it this setup worked for me taking some space?''
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Debarre rubbed his paws over his face. ``Where's your root instance? Within an hour's walk?''
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Ioan shrugged. ``Well enough, sure. It's nice to have another option that isn't just crashing at Douglas's.''
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End Waking nodded. ``Up-river, yes. Would you like me to walk you there?''
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``It was fine, dear,'' Sasha added. ``If ever either of you need some space, feel free to kick the other down to the tent and I will make it work.''
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He shook his head. ``Give me some time to think. There's still some of me that's stuck on dinner parties, then another chunk on this whole thing, and another still on May telling me about these rules of engagement or whatever.''
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``I am glad,'' May said. ``Earnestly. Ioan was such a solitary creature that I did not ever picture having neighbors when I moved in all those years ago. It is nice to have a friend close by.''
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The skunk smiled faintly. ``Twenty minutes' walk up-river, then. He will know that you are coming.''
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``Aren't all of your friends equally close now that--''
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After End Waking quit, Debarre started to trudge up the faint trail that they'd already worn heading up along the river.
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Sasha cut em off, shaking her head. ``Ioan, do you remember how I said that I feel others' presence around me like a weight on my shoulders?''
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He knew that May Then My Name was right, that he probably needed to at least take into account that if Sasha and Michelle could change enough to make the Odists, then surely True Name could change enough to become someone that even her up-tree instances could like, just as he knew that he probably shouldn't take that out on his boyfriend, frustrated as he was.
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Ey nodded.
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Still, it was hard to square the image of End Waking and True Name meeting up voluntarily. What was it that he'd said when Ioan had come by asking after camping supplies? \emph{``I need to be better to her than she might be to me''}?
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``I think it is rather like that, though do correct me if I am wrong, May. Even when I am hiding away in my tent, I am still more present than a friend out of sim is.''
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\emph{Remember that you love him,} he thought, even as he trudged up the path. \emph{Even if you're working to undermine all that shit that she's done with Jonas, at least you still love E.W.}
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``Basically,'' May said. ``Never mind one who knows me so intimately now.''
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The skunk was crouching at the edge of the stream, washing his paws after having apparently just finished gutting a trio of large trout.
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Sasha nodded, hesitated, then said, ``On that note, are \emph{you} okay?''
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``I understand if you are upset, Debarre,'' he said, keeping his gaze on his paws as he scrubbed rather than looking up to him.
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``I\ldots well,'' she began, sighed, and shook her head. ``I am upset, and I am disappointed that I am upset. I was so ready to be done with hatred, but I am stuck with yet more of it. Hatred from In Dreams, hatred of Zacharias, hatred in myself. More than the experiences with In Dreams and Zacharias, that feeling is what led to the past few days of tears. I thought that I was done.''
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``No,'' Debarre said, sitting down next to him. ``Or, well, I am, but it's whatever. I just don't see how something as stupid as May Then My Name merging down solves anything about this. Suddenly, you two are all buddy-buddy?''
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``I understand. While I am thinking of it, I would like to talk with you about Zacharias at some point—nothing serious, just strategizing future meltdowns of his. Ioan said he kept trying to force merges on you just to get your attention.''
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End Waking shook his paws free of most of the water before drying them on the hem of his cloak. ``We are not. I am pleased that she is no longer who she was, but she is not a friend. She is not me.''
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May winced. ``Ugh, yeah. I have never felt something so intensely\ldots I do not know. It felt like a violation of my personal space on a subatomic level. What were you thinking?''
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``But you're visiting her!''
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Sasha tilted her head. ``Now? I was going to suggest in a few days time, once you were feeling better.''
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``On business, such as it is. May Then My Name has asked me over a few times.'' The skunk finally looked at him, gaze level and expression flat. ``Did you not say that you would rather she not die?''
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``Why not? I am already a mess, I am already thinking about him, and after this, I would like more than `a few days time' completely disengaged from the topic.'' She giggled, adding, ``Besides, the more I have to dump on Sarah the next time I see her the better, right?''
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``Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you need to interact with her. I don't want her to get offed by some asshole politician, but I also don't particularly want her in my life.''
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``I do not think it works that way, but I am not so much of a brat as you.'' Sasha finished her coffee, set the mug down with a sense of finality, and nodded. ``Well, I suppose I am awake enough. If you do not mind, Ioan, may I steal your partner for a little bit longer? I would like to keep this first discussion between us, though I will ensure that you remain caught up. There is some\ldots history behind this she should know.''
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End Waking shifted from his crouch to sitting cross-legged on a rock on the bank of the river. ``I do understand that, yes. I do not particularly want her in mine, either, but I am now a part of hers, whether she likes it or not. I have been able to help her process some aspects of the merge and also tell her more of how I feel to her face. Once this is over, she will not need to be a part of my life any more if I so desire, and I can move on to defining myself through something other than penance.''
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``Are you up for forking, May?''
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Debarre scratched a claw through the dirt of the bank, worrying a pebble free so that he could throw it into the river while he thought. Finally, he nodded, saying, ``Okay, I get that. What will you define yourself as, then? Like, don't get me wrong, I'm happy you aren't her, and in part specifically \emph{because} you aren't her, but that's not the only reason I love you.''
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She hesitated, then shook her head, pushing herself up from her chair to step around behind eirs. She bent down to hug around eir shoulders from behind, cheek pressed against eir own. ``I cannot cope with conflicts right now. I cannot yet work in parallel.''
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``I do not know, my love,'' he said after a long silence. ``If I am defined by not being her, by not being what I was, then what is left? I cannot say my love for you, because all of the clade has that to some extent. I cannot even say that I have being an Odist, because, after all these years and with all of her changes over the last few months, I am not even sure that I am that.''
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Ey rested eir cheek against hers and frowned down to eir coffee for a few moments, sighed, then nodded. ``Alright, but I get the May for the rest of the day, okay?''
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``You can be just End Waking,'' Debarre said gently. ``Like, you can just drop the clade and be that nerd who lives in the woods.''
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They both laughed.
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The skunk laughed and elbowed him in the side. ``We have rather turned our clade identity into idolatry of a sort, have we not?''
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``Of course, Ioan,'' Sasha said. ``If you would like some company out on the balcony or something, I have no such compunctions about forking.''
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``Don't get me wrong, I like where you came from, but I won't be pissed if you drop your clade signifier. Hell, maybe you can even start saying things like `don't' and `isn't'.''
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Ey felt May nod against eir cheek. ``I am not pushing further solitude on you, my dear. Take some coffee and breakfast with you. I do not imagine we will be all that long.''
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``Do not push your luck.''
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Still cognizant of her saying that she felt gross, ey patted one of her paws and turned eir head enough to kiss her on the cheek. ``Alright, that sounds good.''
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They laughed.
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Ey pulled together a breakfast of rolls to go along with a thermos of coffee, got one more nose-press of a kiss with May, and stepped back outside with an instance of Sasha.
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``You don't have to have this sorted out, though.'' He shrugged, adding, ``You don't even have to stop seeing True Name. I'm sorry I got angry there. I think I just got upset because any chance that you might start liking her felt like something of a betrayal.''
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The house had been set up on a portion of the slope that was turned a little toward the west for sunset views, meaning that the sun was not yet hitting the balcony. Autumn had gotten chilly enough at night, though, that they decided instead to walk down to the boulder lakeside, which would almost certainly be in full sun, even if it was less comfortable than the deck chairs.
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``I am a ways off yet from liking her, Debarre. I will not say never, but I have gotten to the point where I tolerate her. I will not betray you, though. You or your reactionary friends or whatever she called them.''
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They sat in silence, drinking their coffee and eating rolls with butter and honey.
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Debarre scrambled to his feet, eyes darting around through the trees. ``What the fuck?''
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``Do you think you'll stay, Sasha?'' Ioan said, once the rhythm of the silence made room for conversation.
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``The sim is empty, my dear,'' the skunk said calmly. ``I empty it every time someone enters.''
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``I am too much myself to say that I will stay forever, but as long as my room and tent are there, as long as you and May are comfortable with me being a part of your lives, I will be happy to call it home. Or at least \emph{a} home.''
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``Yeah, but--''
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``Really? No bigger and brighter things?''
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``I think about you a lot, Debarre. Certainly more than anyone else I think about. I have pieced together enough.''
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She laughed and leaned over to touch her nose to eir cheek. ``This \emph{is} bigger and brighter things, Ioan.''
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He growled. ``Well, shit. I mean, I guess I'm an obvious enough choice for it.''
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``Well, I'm sure we'll talk about it plenty, but I see no reason not to keep your room about, and your tent's certainly no trouble. I don't know what you overflowing will look like, but if it involves two thirds solitude and one third getting lost walking sims, I don't imagine you'll be around all the time.''
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``You are, yes, and doubtless the powers that be have been keeping their eye on you since the dissolution of the Council. I do not know the specifics, nor do I want to. As I said, I will not betray you.'' End Waking smiled wryly, adding, ``And I do not think I am of much interest to any of them, anyway. I rarely leave, and I never enter a building when I do. I am more focused on my next meal than anything else.''
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``Not at all, no. I will spend my share of time at the tent to be alone or out walking the world. Perhaps I will even ask you to double the rest of the house so that I can cook somewhere domestic, not just the wild.''
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``Skunks just wanna get fat.''
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``Of course.'' Ey shrugged, tossing one of eir collected pebbles into the lake. ``Besides, I like having you around.''
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End Waking grinned toothily. ``It is not \emph{not} true.''
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``I am pleased to hear that. I had gathered such, but all the same, I would not want to be a bother.''
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``Well, anyway. Fair enough. I don't imagine you'll be ratting us out, and you're right that they probably already know. I'm just glad that you've been sweeping the place.''
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``Oh, not at all. It seems like we're all pretty good at sorting things out when they do come up, so I don't imagine it'll get to that point.''
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``And I am not impinging too much on your and May's relationship?'' she asked, holding out her paw for one of eir pebbles. ``I am asking her, too, and we will continue to talk together, but I also want to ask you directly.''
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Ey smiled, handing over the small rock. ``I don't think so. So long as we can still have time to ourselves when we need, I'll be happy.''
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She tossed the pebble out into the water. ``Of course, dear.'' After a pause, she grinned and added, ``She is gushing about you now. She loves you very much, you know.''
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Ioan chuckled. ``I love her too. I worry sometimes, but all I can do is trust her.''
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``Yes. She will not betray that trust. I know to an extent just how much she means to you and to a much greater extent how much you mean to her.''
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They sat in quiet for a while, tossing pebbles into the water until ey ran out.
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``Hey Sasha?''
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``Mm?''
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``Do you miss anything from before all this?''
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She shrugged. ``It is hard to tell. As I have said, I liked being True Name. It was fulfilling. Every time I think about that now, though, it is intercut with memories of other happinesses. I will think about some particularly adroit political move and remember it fondly, but right along with it is a memory of a successful hunt or of making fun of you for your pen collection.''
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Ey laughed.
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``In confidence?''
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``Sure.''
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``Do you remember when I asked May about how she cemented aspects of her personality by forking?''
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``Mmhm.''
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``There was one more change that I made during that meeting, which was to cement this triad of identities within me. It became who I am by accident, but it has become an integral part of me. I welcomed it in, owned it, made it a part of myself. I will ever be what I am.''
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``Really? You're okay staying in three parts?''
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``I am. I am happy to. I am \emph{excited} to. There is something pleasant about the just-off-center nature of that reality. It is home to me. I am Sasha, and I am also True Name, E.W., and May. I am of three minds.''
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``So long as that works for you.''
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``I think it will. It is a way to be earnestly myself.''
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Ey nodded. ``And I'm guessing you don't miss the social part of that life too much? Jonas or Zacharias or the rest of your stanza.''
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She poked at eir side with a claw. ``You do not need to ask stupid questions, Ioan.''
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``Right, right,'' ey said, laughing. ``I figured no love lost, but--''
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``I did not love any of them, as friends or otherwise,'' she said, waving away the rest of eir comment. ``Now that I have known other kinds of love, I am confident of that.''
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Her tone wasn't upset or dismissive, but was assertive enough that ey dropped the point. ``Well, writing sounds like a good career shift, then.''
|
||||
|
||||
``Says the writer.'' She slouched against eir side.
|
||||
|
||||
``I liked what you've gotten down so far, and I have a few notes. We'll talk about it when we're back at a desk, though.''
|
||||
|
||||
``Of course. I will be leaning on you a lot for help.''
|
||||
|
||||
``I mean, you're leaning on me now.''
|
||||
|
||||
``Smartass,'' she drawled.
|
||||
|
||||
Ey grinned. ``I mean, no complaints. It's still a little surprising, sometimes. I guess on some level I'm still getting used to it, but May got me hooked on physical contact a long time ago.''
|
||||
|
||||
``A coordinated attack on your defenses, yes,'' she said. ``It makes my job easier.''
|
||||
|
||||
``What job?''
|
||||
|
||||
``Just finding a way to stick around friends. Nothing nefarious, dear.''
|
||||
|
||||
Ey shook eir head. ``Right, sorry. I trust you.''
|
||||
|
||||
``I agree with what May said, Ioan. Should I want anything beyond that, I will come by it honestly. I will not manipulate my way into anything.''
|
||||
|
||||
``I appreciate that.'' Ey hugged an arm around her. Ey was grateful for her looking out at the lake rather than at em, given the heat ey could feel rising to eir cheeks. ``While we're being honest, though, I think we're sort of in the same boat, given what you share with May. We can both imagine that, but not necessarily the path from here to there. May called it `the concept versus the mechanics'.''
|
||||
|
||||
``Precisely. I imagine the same applies to you, that you will come by it earnestly.''
|
||||
|
||||
Ey nodded. ``Basically. \emph{Is} it something you'd want?''
|
||||
|
||||
``God, I have no fucking clue, Ioan,'' she said, laughing.
|
||||
|
||||
``Definitely same boat, then. It's a problem for future Ioan.''
|
||||
|
||||
They fell into silence again. Part of em was itching for more pebbles to toss into the water, but ey was too comfortable to get up to collect more from the beach.
|
||||
|
||||
``That is a part of the reason that I kept that of my old cocladists,'' Sasha murmured. ``I kept some doubt from E.W., enough to keep me grounded without keeping me torn. From May, I am keeping a little bit of overwhelming emotions. The possibility of simply falling for everyone around me is alluring. I can taste it in the memories, like a little bit of saccharine, gritty on the tongue. But I am keeping a little bit of caution from True Name so that it remains a new thing for me. I am of three minds Like a tree In which there are three blackbirds.''
|
||||
|
||||
Ey turned her words over in eir mind, along with whatever snippet of verse it was she'd quoted. The thought was complete. Nothing ey could respond with would add to it. It was curious, and hinted at things beyond eir ken, but it was complete.
|
||||
|
||||
Instead, ey said, ``You're a good person, Sasha. All three of you are good people.''
|
||||
|
||||
``And you, dear, are a dork.'' She laughed. ``But come, my tail is falling asleep, and my fork's conversation with May has wrapped up and she misses you greatly.''
|
||||
|
||||
They walked back, then, hand in paw, following the trail as it dipped down to the water or ducked up into the trees. Back home, back to May, back to whatever it was that life had become.
|
||||
``I have never caught anyone hitchhiking on you, though I have on May Then My Name and Ioan.'' He shrugged, gathered up the line of fish. ``But speaking of fat, can we go back to cook these? I am not ready for you to stay over, but I would like to eat dinner with you, if you are up for it.''
|
||||
|
||||
Reference in New Issue
Block a user